Thursday, December 28, 2006

Lazy holidays in the hills



So I am housesitting in Oyama, which would be fine but D isn't with me, therefore I am not putting my full heart into this. The view is exquisite, overlooking two looks and a vineyard in the middle of winter...I feel like I am in one of Bob's paintings, with happy little trees and swishing lakes, etc...
I brought work with me, thinking I would do some of it, since I am essentially stuck here, no car and no way of driving said car. In addition, it snowed heavily the last two days, and even four wheel drives are having issues getting out here, I am truly stuck!! So, one would think I would have time to give to work...ha! I think I developed a serious aversion to it, I am hedging I won't do any of it, because really I have been a good dutiful student and assistant up to this point and I need a break...there I said it. I am taking a break.
The holidays were nice and warm. I got a HUGE crockpot...which I wanted. I really wanted a crockpot so bad for years and years and I finally have one..I really hope it doesn't sit on my counter dormant..it is kinda big and since I only cook for two people I am not sure what will happen. I know I don't have to fill the thing up, but I do...I am sure I must have some ethnic background in me that believes in large amounts of food must be cooked or the world will cease to exist as we know it!! Too bad my freezer wasn't bigger, because I would be down with making a few different things, packaging it up and freezing it for school or work...would make my life that much easier.

I also got the most exquisite one-on-one time with D. He really puts alone time onto another level where we get to be silent, giggly, chatty and happy all at once...I wonder if he knows that I like listening to his voice through his chest.
Okay, now that I have shared, and it was all boring except to me...of I go to do more of NOTHING...ah so NICE!!!


Love you all!

Monday, December 18, 2006

My part







Okay, so Christmas is definitely barrelling down on most of the world's population. The presence of it can be certainly felt here in the Okanagan. Although, I wouldn't call the presence a pleasant one. All I see right now is A LOT of purchasing, scrambling for the right gift, everyone trying to one up the other person. Don't get me wrong, I love gifts, it is so fun to open up a gift and see what the person who gave it to you, thinks of you. Of course I am into the psychology of it all.






This year is also a little more different me. For a long time now, I have been wanting to volunteer, especially with soup kitchens or charity kitchens, I finally got my opportunity and with an organization that I can feel good about helping with. The Ki-Low-Na Friendship Society is an extremely busy place. The programs that run out this place, that assist people in the community with needs, is plentiful. In fact they are so busy that it is often difficult to actually meet with anyone. One has to be prepared to head down there and say "I can help".

I just finished with the Childrens Christmas, which was not much of an eye-opener, although it did clarify some really huge stereotypes I am often confronted with. The aboriginal children were beautiful, hair combed, dresses and pants ironed and clean, always ready with a please and thankyou and stayed close to their parents. The white children didn't fair so well...there was one young boy where my heart went out to him, but I also got a glimpse of a future serial killer...the child scared me and his parents weren't even with him, instead two very disinterested young women accompanied him.





I got to help with making paper bag riendeers...turned out to be not the best idea because there was ALOT of intricate cutting that needed to be done and the kids only had 25mins at each craft table...some tears, some frustration, some complaints and two very frazzled volunteers who could only do what they could do after six hours and over a 150 children. It was great though, for the most part the children were happy to be creative and see Santa, and the parents did their best to help and join in the experience.

This coming weekend I get to be part of "Feed the People". Basically tables are set up and people can come off of the street between 10-3 and get a plate of food. The fare will be traditional christmas trimmings and turkey and potatoes and the whole lot. I think this one will break my heart and give me hope at the same time. The volunteers and the staff are 100% committed to helping in any way they can and my last couple of ventures out volunteering with them has really given me warmth and happiness...also it has saddened me as I hear about the numbers of donations going down, but the number of people in need going up. The people at Ki-Low-Na Friendship Society take in and help whomever they can, with whatever they have and I wonder if more can't be done. Kelowna is a HUGE community with a lot of people who have money, resources and time...but only a fraction of them are seen on Leon...a small fraction.
And again I go back to my research, the need for my kind of research, and hopefully what I am doing will produce something that can be forward looking...and if not, I will be produced and I will continue and maybe with my infectious personality I can start swaying the tide!

Dream big my friends, DREAM BIG!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Right to Adequate Houses

http://www.chbc.com/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=13538 This link is very important. Especially to me, because it speaks to why my interests and research is so very important. The Okanagan is a lovely place, it is picturesque and mildly seasonal. However, like most communities across the country and around the world the Okanagan has its fair share of social 'problems'.
I remember reading recently that the government felt that poverty was way to expensive to fix. I wouldn't argue with that if I was approaching poverty the same way the government does. Certainly, it is expensive, and so were the ways that most of our people became homeless..."just a paycheque away".
Bruce Porter has written an article in 2004, where he makes a really good argument for the ammendment to the Charter, where housing would be included. This is an idea I support 100%, if not more. I mentioned this idea to a colleague and he responded with, "what do you do if they wreck their home?". I blinked at him and thought about the other freedoms we have under the Charter...speech...religion....and we abuse those and somehow the public finds ways to put people in thier place for that abuse. But what struck me even harder is how willing people are ready to jump to an excuse or reason why the solution to the 'problem' is problematic. Which, when I think on ALL the literature I have read, is why we may have such an exacerbated 'problem' now. Along the line, our country has had a large amount of people who are community minded come up with incredibly viable solutions that will, not only help those who are need, but create a stronger sense of community. Yet, these people have been quashed by excuses and reasons.
I recognize the resistance comes from a history where our country has been moving into the idea "every person for himself", the woman somehow is implied in there. I would argue the individual idea went REALLY wrong. All these countries wanting Independence, and from that hard desire to be an independent nation, inspired an even harder desire to be independent as people. FLAWED.
So, I am in a class with a woman from Ghanna. She is flabbergasted that there is a need for my kind of research. In her country, homelessness doesn't manifest in the same way as it does here, why? Because of aunts, uncles, moms, dads, close friends, bosses....the way she talks about her country is that there is a strong support network within the communities and if the families have to relocate (which says is rare) then the place they are going to usually has a connection for them so that they aren't on the street.
I know have a couple of friends who have first hand experienced the wealth of community. I have even tasted that sweet nectar myself. So I know that when they read this, they will understand what I am talking about. But what about the 30 million people who make up Canada? Do they know what they are missing? And if they did would they be willing to work toward creating a community in their communities??
Here is where the idea of community becomes incredibly fantastic...if we built a community that actually lived by the mandate of what community means, it means there would be no more soup kitchens, no more homeless shelters, no more overcrowded jails, LESSENED crime, lessened occurances of drug addictions, depreciated amounts of poverty and the list goes on...
I am optimistic...maybe not in my life time, but I know it can happen.
And here is the kicker, it would cost the government less money to facilitate a community, to create housing as a right, than it would to solve poverty on the whole...and then maybe shelters wouldn't have to turn away over a hundred women and children during the winter, and maybe men's shelters wouldn't have to create safe places for women to sleep...and just maybe we could put more attention into an issue that we couldn't see because we were being too busy being independent.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Identity, Membership and Affordable housing


Well, I just finished 18 pages of typing about discourse in policy research discussions around affordable housing. And I can safely say I am pissed off...not about the amount of pages I had to write (although that could be the fuel), but about how policy makers make really grand assumptions and EVEN WORSE how that is played out in the local environment.
I actually read a paper that said homeownership produced better and more stable citizens!!! The author of the painfull piece of marginalizing crap actually generated numbers (which he kept saying he didn't have actual stats and still managed to come up with numbers) on how children from rental situations are more likely to be criminal offenders!!
And while this paper was the most blatant piece of writing I had ever seen, the other policy discussions weren't that far behind in their marginalizing discussions about affordable rental housing.
While reading the papers I thought of my own situation. I have never been a homeowner, I have never lived in a home that was owned by my family. I have, all my life, been part of the low-income rental scene. I began to reflect on the ways people talk to me when the find out I am a renter. Always, the discussion comes up about ownership, investment, long term....I generally sit and listen and take it in...but now, after reading a plethora of identity papers around housing and how people in poverty situations become marginalized by notions about home and housing...well now my ears are sensitive. Yes, I am a renter. As a renter, I still pay taxes, I still have to work long hours, I do not wreck property that isn't mine and if I do, I offer to fix it, I have never been charged or sent to jail, while I have dabbled in drug abuse it has never been anything but recreational, and while I may move from place to place, I am a stable person. Yes, I am paying someone else's mortgage, but why should I be persecuted and judged for helping someone else out? (okay I know that is flawed, but work with me)...I am not saying homeowndership is a bad thing (it is freaking expensive and means ALOT of responsibility, which I think I have enough of right now), but neither is being a renter.
So, I follow Bruce Porter, a fellow who adamantly asserts that the Charter needs to be ammended to include housing as a right!! Just like freedom of speech or freedom of religion, everyone in Canada should have the right to a home that is safe, warm and adequate to their needs. Then everyone can back off about why I don't own a home, and my identity can be less about being a renter and more about being ME!!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Poor Vancouver, and coast


I guess November was unwilling to go unnoticed, so right at the end of the month British Columbia became the target for memory of the month. Especially Vancouver. Vancouver was pummeled just over a week ago with rain storms which effectively wreacked havoc on the water systems and also added the pain of power outages and wrecked property. So, for a week the soggy, drenched Vancouver and coast was placed in a boil water advisory and the shelves where bottled water once sat now lay bare. However, November wasn't happy with this...nope, the punch needed to be harder, so lets drop the temperature and slap some snow down on the poor coast.
Now I have heard a lot of people say that people in Vancouver don't know how to cope with the snow, they become idiots and drive like grannies...I think this is being fairly harsh on a population that rarely has to experience freezing temperatures and frequent snow falls. The city doesn't budget for snow clearance, the drivers aren't thinking winter tires or safety measures that we in the north take for granted. Add on to the fact that the coast has already had a miserable week of water issues, now it's cold, no power, no safe water and compounded by a homeless population that has no resource.
So 90, 0000 people with no power beginning Monday, and now 14, 000 in Victoria and no power and another storm coming.
I don't have much of a point other than let's go easy on Vancouver and the coast, they are getting their teeth kicked in right now.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Month of Jaidan


I continually have new places that I find in my grief. Overall, I think I am fairly quiet about my grieving and how extensive my pain and sense of loss is. I remember when someone at one of my old jobs lost his grandmother. For several months afterwards he was very vocal about his pain, and the staff increasingly became unsympathetic towards him and began suggesting that his grieving time should end. I remember that reaction and often find myself censuring myself when in public, or ever personal situations. I don't want people to groan inwardly when I mention the pain of losing my brother and that even two years later I find I am profoundly affected and disabled by my grief.
What is worse is that it is November, and Jaidan passed away in November...my body remembers the smells, sights, the feeling of the cold, everything that embodies November feels as though it is now part of my DNA...I can't go anywhere without feeling the heaviness of this month.
I would hope as the years pass perhaps this too shall pass, however, if it doesn't I don't think I should feel bad about it. Jaidan is my brother, he is a foundation in which part of who I am rests firmly with. His death had many repercussions on my present situation, as well as, past and future.
So this is the Month of Jaidan...perhaps even the season as I can't even imagine another Christmas without him and yet I have to. I don't think that I will be increasing my vocalization about my grief, but I will work on not feeling shame for for feeling sad. I also hope that I will be a source of solace for those who lost someone dear and near and feel isolated by those who don't know or don't understand what that means and how long that kind of pain lasts and manifests.

Here is to one day waking up!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Congratulations America!

Democrats got to have a comeback in the States. Can I say that Bush did it to himself? Err, ya, big ol' presidentio Bush basically opened the door for the Democrats to come in and muddy the waters.
I have doubts about how much this new event will change the situation in the Middle East...the damage is more than definitely done. I know, if the tables were reversed and it was Canada that has been consistently bombed and occupied, well, my memory is long and my willingness to not forget and to move to action is very close to me. So, even if the midterm elections is a glimmer of hope that the Republican regime is on the way out...the damage is done...
Okay, and moving on. So, Saddam Hussien is sentenced to death by hanging. Automatically, his case goes to appeals court...if the verdict is upheld, they have thirty days in which to hang the fellow. I have had my ear glued to the news, especially the responses in the Arab world. I can't argue with either side, the Suni's or the Shiite's...both have very valid reasons as to why or why not Saddam should be hung/hanged (bad grammar, sorry).

I have to say I am happy to hear that the
Here is my thing...and I know the reality but a girl can dream right? Will Bush ever go on trial for his crimes?? Okay, reality says that unless he sticks a cigar up an interns rear, he will never have to go before a judge ...yes I am being glib, but that seems to be pretty much the truth of it. Sure, Viatnamese President gets world condemnation and sanctions for testing a nuclear bomb and Prez Bush gets the democrats. I know I see the uneveness of this...
For those three or four people who may or may not read my rambles...got anything you want to add? Got milk?
Oh, uhm, speaking of advertising, the United Church got a ten million dollar boost to start up a provocative advertising campaign. The reason this "provocative" campaign has started is because the Church noticed that the 30-45 age group was missing from the Church scene. They feel that this age group isn't looking to the Church for spirituality because they don't know the Church can offer that...thus the campaign. One ad, shows a picture of Jesus in the mall during Christmas, instead of Santa and the caption asks would you still take your children?...anyways, I wanted to find a picture sadly I cant'. BOO hiss me...go ahead comment away!!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Oops did I scare you?


Well, tomorrow evening is Hallowe'en, and I will be in my joyous creative workshop!! Sadly, yet another year where I will forgo my Hallowe'en joys. Every year I would dress up, somehow I would put something together from my wardrobe and then I would plaster my face with gobs of make-up and then spend the day wandering around with an itchy face and unable to scratch it because it would ruin my make-up. Truly sounds annoying but I had fun with it. I also love seeing what other people come up with. While I do enjoy that I have a great imagination other people are fare more inventive than I am, and that is FANTASTIC.
So, last year I gave up on the idea of a party or the bar because well it was Monday and I am a stickler for making sure that I get a good nights sleep for classes. This year, it is a Tuesday and I am seriously lacking funds...no costume, no party...BOOO...But that is okay, because the spirit is still alive in me. And well Dylan brought home a pumpkin for us to carve...I do love that man and the way he indulges my creative lusts.
But as I sit her typing this blog I am caught by the news report on CBC which just makes my heart sink. HALLOWE'EN is BAD! Well okay they didn't say that on CBC, but they may as well have! Crime is on the rise, obesity is on the rise, violence against children is on the rise...blah blah blah. Suck the fun out of a very communal activity.
Think about it...when do we get to go door to door and knock on people's doors and have them open the door with a smile and give us something?? Seriously, the stores stock up with candy and we buy it...and then give it away. My sense it is the last community building activity thing that we do in our culture. Not even on Christmas do total strangers get this close to giving and opening up their doors. True, some may argue yes we do on Christmas...but I think Hallowe'en could give Christmas a run for it's money.
But, the news in it's ever present ability to instill fear in our hearts that the world is coming to an end is also slowly chipping away at the joy of Hallowe'en.
I will now and forever and have, stand by the fact that the news is the demise of the world. Ever since we went global with media, humans the world over have become fearful creatures....really though, in North America especially, the amount of violence that is reported compared to amount of kind acts that go unnoticed, is way out of proportion but we only hear about the bad.
I remember reading that we live in the most peaceful time ever in history....although I sense there are people who would read this and immediately knee jerk into a desire to refute that assertion. Why? Why is it so hard to believe that we are safer than we ever have been?
And while we live in fear that the world is getting worse and that we have no desire to bring more children into a world that is going to hell in a handbasket, we forget we live in a community and that we are capable of being active in that community...the community that exists beyond our mom, dad, sister and partner...the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Not because violence is increasing, but because fear of our next door neighbour is at an all time high!! We care more about ourselves than we do about anyone else...
DAMMIT, fight the fear and celebrate HALLOWE'EN!!! and if your kid is FAT, make him/her jog to each door and ration out the candy...DO NOT BLAME OBESITY ON HALLOWE'EN...

Monday, October 23, 2006

OMG where did she go?

Hello my devoted fan base...all three of you...sometimes four! Okay, so I disappeared off the blogspot for some time and I am sorry for that. I know my information and discussion is very exciting.
So what happened to me anyways? Well...expectations happened to me. The expectation that I am expected to be a social being, an academic being, a renter, and an employee...all of my hats collided and squished me the last couple of weeks. I have picked up a new job, and it was created by a necessity for someone else to get their work done. Of course my work is great and does have some abstract relation to my studies...however, because of someone else's deadline, I had to run quickly and learn FAST! Add that to my reading for my complex mind numbing courses...and the continual fret that I will never get to my assignments...and well the lack of public transit that functions and administration that is more bent on being an obstacle than a facilitator (WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GETTING PAID? more than me FUCKERS) ... uhm, ya that is my feeling on the current administration!

So, something I noticed and desired to get back to was excercising. I don't bike anymore because my day requires me to smell nice and carry certain items that don't travel well by bike. I have lamented the loss of biking and told myself I would get a gym pass...soon...well, the reality of making it to the gym in terms of all my other commitments really didn't make itself a goal that is attainable...well it is but at the expense of my mental well being...and I am stressed enough. So here is the new thing...getting up in the morning and keeping myself attached to my exercise ball for an hour...or running on the spot. Hopefully that will produce results that will provide the universe with a more balanced me.
I am frazzled. Razzled, and not at all dazzled.
But on the positive note I am trying to enter a piece of fiction into the CBC literary awards...I don't expect to win, what I do expect is that by entering I will legitimate in my own mind that I am a writer. Finally I am a writer!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

More on Housing...

So, for the last couple of days, World Report on CBC has been feeding fuel to my fire about housing in Canada. Currently, the government is about to release a new social housing initiative. I am still waiting for the release at the moment. But so far the gist of what I understand is that the government plans on subsidizing rent for low income people...15thousand people is the number I heard.

While I feel it is great that the help is coming I also feel it is misplaced and once again another demonstration of an ineffective government. The problem, the much larger problem, is the lack of available affordable housing. Currently, housing starts for rental units are declining, especially in BC becuase it is a sales market right now and developers can make quick money at making houses than at rental units. Rental units have never been a money maker and usually the government has to subsidize developers to even get rental units made, started, whatever you want to call it.

So, here the government has graciously decided that they will help people who are spending large amounts of their income on housing. Great, but what about those who have no housing...perhaps, which is true in a lot of cases they have paying jobs, but no housing.

Yesterday and housing advocate and centre coordinater for a homeless shelter in Calgary sent out 500 emails to other housing shelters, stating that people who want to come to Calgary in search of work should be discouraged because there is no housing. None. There are people who are working but are living in cars, tents, or in shelters with no near solution of housing. Winter is coming...I bet you the death toll will rise.

I find it funny that citizens are doing what the government is steering them do, support themselves...and yet the government is also making it impossible for the citizens to be successful. Okay, piles of work, but no homes...we don't need a crystal ball to forsee this outcome.

I certainly do not advocate this neo-liberalist point of view, every person for themselves. I do not enjoy that I am part of a capitalistic system that has no care for a sense of community. Currently the way the income assistance and employment programs are set up by the government operate is to facilitate those who already have the means. So, tell me how far you can go on 575/mos. 325 is meant for rent? Workers are now only reachable by phone, and you aren't assigned a worker, so you will always have a different one and have to establish a new relationship. You have to have an address for at least three months to recieve any assistance. So if you are homeless and decide this is crap but you need a place to start...well, you don't have an address, so no help for you. Same goes for people who want off assistance but can't find fulltime work or still need subsidizing. The government has removed the ability to make anything over 200 dollars...if you have external income of over 200 dollars you don't get assistance!

Part of me believes of pull yourself up by the bootstraps...however, the culture does not generate a healthy atmosphere for a large number of people to do so.

And the sense that middle class people can turn their eyes from what is happening and focus on what fabric they will get to cover their couch, appalls me. 38% of people who were homeless in Kelowna in 2005 reported that they lost their homes while employed!! Simply being hard working and motivated does not automatically mean one is removed from ever ending up on the street, especially in the current political capitalistic neo liberalist atmosphere!!

I could go on about those who are on the street now, and mental illness and drug abuse...but I will sum it up as a product of this massive emphasis on the individual instead of the community.

Right now, housing needs to be generated...we have to start somewhere. Housing is a right, should be right, I hope someday will be a right. It definitely won't solve all the problems, but I feel it would be a step in the right direction.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Oh find me a home...

THOMAS ROSE: ANALYSIS
Should having a home be a human right?
September 22, 2006
Let's face it. The homeless are not an attractive people. It is hard to be around them. They can look frightening, they can smell bad, and they most often want something from you. They make us uncomfortable, fearful and, yes, guilty.

Why don't they just all go away? But where?

In the past, some cities have tried to encourage the homeless to move on, even offering to pay their transportation and put a few dollars in their pockets. But that doesn't solve the problem, it only shuffles it about. And with signs suggesting the number of homeless will grow, cities everywhere are grappling with what to do with them.

Montreal recently banned overnight stays in public squares. Penalties include hefty fines and even jail.

Victoria has a similar bylaw, prohibiting the erection of any shelter in a public place as well as sleeping overnight in downtown parks.

Housing advocates say criminalizing the homeless this way is a disturbing and perhaps immoral trend. Rather than penalizing the homeless, they argue, homelessness itself should be declared illegal, and having shelter should be elevated to a basic human right, alongside freedom of religion and the right to vote.

The notion that having a home is a right is gaining some currency around the globe, not to mention in the corners of some of the most frigid cities in Canada. The right to housing is already included in several legally binding international documents.

The Vancouver Declaration on Human Settlements, for example, sets out the obligations of governments to provide adequate housing for all. The UN's Habitat Agenda and Plan of Action created a global action plan that confirmed the legal status of the human right to adequate housing. And the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, a treaty which Canada has ratified, obliges all states to "recognize the right of everyone to an adequate standard of living, including adequate food, clothing and housing."

Many of these agreements are designed to deal largely with Third World problems that, according to the UN, have left upwards of 100 million people without adequate shelter. But in the context of a developed country such as Canada, the question has to be asked: How far do these rights go?


A new footing

One clue might be found in a ruling last spring by the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in Los Angeles. The court ruled 2-1 that L.A. cannot arrest people for sleeping or even sitting on public sidewalks at certain times of the day because that would be tantamount to "cruel and unusual punishment," which is banned by the U.S. Constitution.

That ruling would appear to put the legal status of basic shelter on an entirely new footing — from the lofty rhetoric of international agreements to the determined reality of constitutional law.

For L.A., and presumably other American cities, it also meant the courts were telling city officials that if they wanted to remove the indigent from the streets then they had to provide the means to accommodate them.

Homeless advocates in B.C. are now before the courts there making a similar argument and are hoping for a similar ruling. Seeking to turn the tables on those who would ban the homeless from sleeping in public places, these advocates argue that the bylaws enacted by the City of Victoria violate the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

So long as there is a greater number of homeless than the number of beds available in shelters, the reasoning goes, sleeping restrictions in public places should not be placed on the homeless.

This is a familiar argument to the people of Scotland. After a flurry of similar court challenges throughout the 1980s, during a recession and period of record homelessness, the Scottish Parliament passed legislation declaring all levels of government were obliged to provide housing to all citizens.

Recent amendments have upgraded that legislation so that city councils are now obliged to provide permanent accommodation to anyone officially assessed as homeless. As a result, tens of thousands have been given shelter, tens of thousands more are on waiting lists and yet as recently as this spring, homeless advocates in Scotland declared it isn't enough.

In the end, perhaps, the fact of shelter as a human need may not mean that governments must provide each one of their citizens with land, four walls and a roof. But recent developments suggest that the status quo is no longer enough.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Throwing stones



Broken Glass

Once upon a time, that’s the way I remember him.

Once upon a time, he and I lived in a glass shoe. And this glass shoe was neatly placed in the centre of a green field in the centre of a small village in the centre of a vast forest. And we were the centres of each other’s world. He played with transformers and I played with hot wheels. We spoke in small sentences, such as “I like this” or “lets play in the heel.”

Once upon a time, he was a boy and I was a girl, that’s the way we remember ourselves.

Once upon a time his hair was red and ine was blond. Everyone in the small village in the vast forest had black hair. They played with paper, tools and building blocks. They spoke in long sentences with large words. Such as “After long consideration and an introspective look we are content to obviate from the cultural inconsistencies.”


Once upon a time, we were young and our memory was here and now.

Once upon a time, he and I could no longer find joy in our transformers and hot wheels. We wanted our red and blond hair to darken and deepen. We found our short sentences lacking, all because there was a crack in our shoe and the long dark sentences had seeped through disturbing our sleep. Their words from the small village burnt our grassy field and soot covered our glass shoe.

Once upon a time, he and I were friends. We saw our similarities not our differences.

Once upon time, we left our glass shoe. We sought new shelter within the small village in the vast forest. In our short sentences we asked, “Please, share with us.” They pulled at our hair, examined our toys, and took pictures of us, standing next to the heel of our glass shoe now covered in soot in the centre of the burnt grass field.

Once upon a time, he and I thought we were okay. We fit with each other.

Once upon a time, they changed our clothing, took away our toys, cut our hair and extended our sentences. They wanted us to use their paper and tools and building blocks. They wanted us to walk in straight lines, and live in row houses made from wood and plastic. They gave us names, Fred and Mary. They gave us birth dates, watches, calendars and schedules. They laughed at our offerings of shells and grass.

Once upon a time, he found joy in our toys, in our appearance, in our language, in our similarities. That’s the way I remember him.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Traces...

Our routine has become so normal. Five in the morning, hit snooze button, eight minutes extra of sleep until I roll over and say, “time to wake up”. I never thought I could get used to making coffee before daylight, but I have. It’s our routine that we share and repeat five days a week, like directions on a shampoo bottle.
He leaves early on these mornings, six o’clock, for work. That is when the suite becomes mine. After he leaves, is when the life begins in the house, long after the coffee is brewed and the lunches are packed. He never sees what I see; centipedes crawling out onto the carpet. I tell him about them, he figures they are fictions. Again, this morning the centipedes emerge after he leaves. Shiny hard brown bodies, soft legs, the same soft legs moving like a Viking ships oars in the water heading into battle. This morning the centipede wasn’t ready for battle instead the lengthy insect was attempting to escape the floodwaters of last nights plumbing drama.
This is where the story really begins, at the point of discovery of a small wet spot outside of our bathroom door. I didn’t want to think about the wet spot. I wanted to linger on how he traced “I love you” on my back and waited for me to notice his code. I made him wait. I always make him wait. I wanted to linger on his silent evocations of love. But there was a wet spot on my floor. Both he and I turned to the cat in our minds; the cat was the most likely suspect.
Certainly she wasn’t innocent she often found ways to annoy us, force us to clean her mess, be it fur, dead animals she had convinced herself she killed and the occasional well-matted fur ball left in the right spot for us to step on
Certainly, this wet spot on my carpet was the work of her evil machinations to dominate our household and eventually the world. I put my nose down to the wet spot, hoping to find her innocent but afraid I might get my nose too close to something very unpleasant. No odor…nothing. She was absolved in my mind, but not his. He kept insisting she was the culprit, and I almost gave in until the turned to the bathroom door and noticed in the corner more wet carpet—she certainly had no part in more wet carpet. I flung open the closet door to reveal two water tanks; one for upstairs one for downstairs. I revealed a wet floor. He came barging through, male intensity and a desire to ascertain and fix the situation. This time the situation would not be fixed with male bravado, not even a well-placed phone call to the plumber would slow the amount of water issuing forth from the pipes.
At this moment, I wished I could go back to when he traced “I love you” on my back and hold time right there, far away from the water.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Red Nails

As promised, creative inspirations will ensue here. I am nervous to put this on the blog, not because I am afraid of people and their criticism...cause I know what I can do and can't do, but I am freaked out someone will find my stuff, and pass it off as their own, which would break my heart. Although, I think to myself it will be a really small world that reads my blog and anything I put on here will be rough draft, no where near the final product so here I go with gustooooooo....



"Always, her painted red fingernails haunt me. They haunt me because I haven’t buried her like she buried me. The point of origin is my memory of her digging in the earth; using these glossy red nails, fake nails, to get in and under the moist dirt. She was compulsive about burying anything she had to explain. I remember a picture, a photograph, it must have been a birthday, because someone captured her image bowed over a blue balloon, and there in the centre were the red fingernails. There isn’t a single photograph or childhood memory without those fingernails always pointing, grasping, clawing raking over every truth and covering every child she had. Now as I am older, unearthed I find myself standing in the beauty section of drugstores, in front of the display for fake nails. Her brand is there. I finger the boxes, wondering if after 45 minutes of inspecting labels I will purchase her nails for myself."

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

When the pipe breaks the water will flow, grasshopper

Well, when you notice a wet spot on your floor, sometimes it doesn't pay to investigate where it is coming from...Why I do, I don't know!

So, outside my bathroom, was an odd singular wet spot. It was there all day and had gotten slightly worse by the end of the evening. So I alerted Dylan to the situation, we both couldn't figure it out, but then I noticed weird coloring near the water heater closet and felt the ground around there and sure enough it was damp as well. So we opened the water heater closet and Dylan noticed the top of one them was leaking. He touched it...just touched it, nothing else...and well from there is the point where the pipe burst and we began the process of bailing water and trying to call anyone who would help us solve the issue of water that wouldn't stop running.

Essentially from what we can figure at this point, is that the minerals in our water corroded the connection from the water to the hot water tank...so what Dylan touched was the last remaning vestiges keeping the water from flowing copiously out and into our home. So for the next 45mins we rotated bucket...three, at an alarming rate, so much so my back hurts and Dylan is pooched. No plumber would come and we had to call the city to shut of the water main...this means the WHOLE house has NO running water...none, nada, nil. And really, I knew it would be a struggle to not have water, considering I am a water hog, just in my drinking style, forget my cleaning needs...but the kicker was, oh and it hurts to say this even now, the kicker and true kick in the teeth was when I realized at 5am we would not being having any coffee...NO COFFEE...WAH WAH WAH WAH...

Of course once you wake up and your body starts functioning there are other issues surrounding water needs. Uhm and I am an avid hand washer...no water...this is 3rd world living, and I am a first world girl...PLUMBING is my SAFETY network...without running water, I am lost, feeble, and weak.

Okay, so a bit of the dramatic, although it sure puts everything in perspective, the luxury I have and have had.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

And it came to life...


Okay school is back in session. And I hate it. I was loving this campus during the summer. Empty hallways, empty classrooms...now, all I have is empty heads. AND LOTS OF THEM...crowding the hallway, making line-ups I have to stand in for three hours, messing up the bathroom, yelling in the hallways...THEY"RE BACK! And I want to send them back to wherever they came from!
Yes, Scrooge of Academia I am!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I dare you

I challenge you...
I push you...
go forward, find those letters at the end of the page, fill those spaces with ink...
I dare you to wrap your arms around your dreams...
go the length, and search out the depth of your ability...
I am not part of the no where people, I haven't slipped between the cracks,
I refuse to grind against the membranes...
I will not be shaped and moulded by anyone but myself...
I dare you trace the edges of your pity and see where your inspirations come from
I am the dreamer, the constant dreamer
the vigilant dreamer

Monday, August 14, 2006

Crisis elevated


Paranoid these days? Feeling symptoms that any moment the government will discover that your chapstick has been used to enable a terrorist plot? Are you constantly plagued with images of smoking buildings, viruses and the potential threat of an apocalypse?
YOU, YOU are not alone! There are millions of people like you, billions in fact who are also feeling the pressure of current world events.
So, what sparks this particular rant? V for Vendetta the movie.
My brother had the graphic novel and I have inherited it and tucked it away in my closet...I always told myself I would read it someday. The importance of me reading them is the novel was on of the latest things my brother picked up on, so I wanted and still want to feel his presence before he died. Surprising that not long after a movie comes out, and I know he would have LOVED it!!
It is a good movie and I fully recommend it. How do you know if it is a movie for you? Did you enjoy the Matrix? Did you read 1984 or the Handmaids Tale and enjoy it? If so, then V for Vendetta is for you! Now normally when comic books and graphic novels are adapted to the big screen I scream and die a little inside because the vision seems to never translate well and audiences are screwed out of what could be a potentially great experience. With V for Vendetta, the audience for once is spared. For those who feel they are savvy enough notice the interesting parallels to current events. I won't give it away, I can't, too good to do that to you!
However, the movie reminded me of my constant feeling that something isn't right. One that we have willingly allowed ourselves, in N.A. to be zombified and spoonfed our information, our knowledge.
Has anyone noticed the "crisis in the middle east" or the current events with British Airways, which once again has brought us to our knees in fear but raised up some dusty idea of patriotism...patriotism to what?
And the poor Muslim community. The amount of hatred and tension that is building in North America coupled with bombings, attacks and violence in the middle east. Which I dare you to pull out a map and look at the actual size of the countries that are embroiled in warfare currently compared to idea of the "middle east" and then pull your eyes over the nicely nestled and "safe" North America...again what is the threat? Oh don't forget to watch the rising gas prices and the profits and compare the descrepancies.
And since when did I become of lip balm on a plane? Last weekend. All I can say is I am lucky I am not a business traveler because right now would be a crappy time to travel...maybe the Canadian government could postpone their elaborate meetings overseas and get in their cars and drive to the local Timmy's for a meeting rather than spending our freaking money to stay in a luxury resort somewhere far from the country they are suppose to be leading???
Okay and why is Harper in Alert Bay and not at the World conference on Aids in Ontario?? SMUCK!! Between Bush and Harper I think North America needs to drink some serious amounts of WAKE the FUCK up juice, get our sorry noses out of other peoples crap and look at the shit pile we are making in our own backyard before we get all self righteous about democracy and freeing other countries and assimiliating them because there is no hope for our cracked out, illiterate degenerates here.
And with that....
Go watch V for Vendetta...and then turn to CNN...case and point.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Wise woman


Have you ever tried to identify the wise woman? I often do, try that is. I have to be honest...when I say have to, I mean by my own standards, I have to be honest I have been blessed in my life. I have been blessed with a spirit that recognizes life's challenges as gifts. I know the challenges that I have undergone, some I have shared with the people who read this blog regularly and some have become too complex to articulate. And through it all I have continued on, but I didn't do it alone. I have never been alone. I have been blessed because my spirit invites others to come and help me and aid me and open up paths for me. Currently I am in this amazing vortex and whirling around are all these individuals who (they don't know it) are working collectively to enrich my life and ensure that I will be successful. I must remember through all this to share. I must remember honesty, trust, love...I must remember that there will be small individuals that will burn me, but I can't ever let me stop giving, sharing, trusting, loving...
How to identify the wise woman...look for the stare that seems to be not looking for anything and you are certain no words will follow the gaze...the stare is quiet, you will find her there...and if you can't find the stare open yourself up, trust, give, and more importantly laugh, belly laugh, roll in laughter, because she loves laughter.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Civic Holiday (CAN)

Okay, so a Civic Holiday is on August 7th in Canada. No-one really knows why it is a holiday or what the heck is so important that bus service has to be reduced to sunday service for, but it is a holiday.
I am confused. Of course I am came up to the campus to do work, cause I am on a fellowship so I have no hope for holiday pay...although the security guard smucks who make sure this campus is open do! Okay they aren't smucks...I am, cause I am here rather then snuggling up to my man...well, until he said "pest be-gone!".
What is a Civic Holiday? Why is it so important?
Oh almighty Google here I come to discover the joys of this auspicious holiday.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Regardless

So, the path may look bleak, long and bumpy, but baby I am holding on and riding!! ROOOOOOOOAAAAR!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Struggling...


Well, there are certainly classes where I feel like I am swimming up stream...salmon? By the way the word "salmon" has been an incredibly recurring word within the last two to three weeks and I am a believer in signs. I do believe the universe talks to me and if you want to call me a hippy, a new age freak, or in need of a dose, well go get stuffed!
Anyways, of my four classes I have been in this summer there is two classes where I felt anger in the room. Anger from students who are part of the culture that has been continually pushed around...I can sympathize and i can see the evidence and I really want to be part of the solution not the problem. However, their anger has made me acutely aware of my own dialogue...hmm, maybe that isn't right...their anger has made me cautious in my course, cautious of what I say.
Sadly, yesterday, that anger reared it's ugly head yesterday. And again lets keep in mind that I may be really sensitive. Yesterday I swam upstream...yesterday I came to terms about what I am able to understand compared to what I am able to articulate. My fear got the better of me in class...and I bumbled and said words that were not suppose to come out of my mouth and no-one let it pass...I did hear people stand up for me at times...but the anger is there. I have very real concerns about how I will do in this class...I can sense I am seriously lagging behind the other students. My articulation is latent and I am in trouble. The leader of the class also concerns me, I can feel her ages of hurt, amazing she is from a part of a world I can't even imagine and yet I can feel the streams and flows of hurt and anger lapping up against her.
Then there is this other subject that is really hurting me...the words "emotional ties" and how that is linked with identity. You know five years ago I may have been certain of my identity, I could have pinpointed my emotional ties. However, events seem to have obliterated those ties, and my identity has become fluid and nothing I can define. I understand I am something to the people in my life, however, I don't know what I am to myself. I am having trouble locating myself...the wind stopped outside my window...I keep wondering what am I emotionally tied to, where is my identity, where do I get my identity from? I wish I could rely on the stories I was told growing up, but they have become unstable and fallacies, and I am having trouble locating where my stories come from...
So I am sitting in this class, with many different voices that are continually locating themselves, and linking up their emotional ties with the content that we are working through and I am detached. No stories. And while I have a narrative, a path I can recount, the anger and hurt that is the class does not make me feel safe to use my stories in ways to access the material...not verbally anyways.
Which turn leads me to my continual state of self-doubt. I am kind enough to myself to know I am intelligent, I am a survivor, and I will go the distance even if I am the loser I won't give up...okay...but am I ready for this, and when i say this I say Masters program...and if I am ready, is my community ready to accept me? I get the sense that if I do make it through this process that the community will be so completely embroiled in pain and anger that I won't be accepted...

I got my first mark back...and there are two kinds of students the eighty percent student and the ninety percent student...I do not belong to the latter currently. What does this mean? Well if this first mark is an indication of my future progress and success well ultimately I am greatful that I didn't get a student loan and I won't have to pay back these two years...I am certainly not giving up, and I won't, in case I can turn this around...I am not sure how and I may not be developed enough to do so, but I am in now and I won't stop.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The energy it takes to eat...


Again I am throwing more reading at you. Hopefully, you have adobe acrobat to open this I tried to copy it but WOW, it was tough and incomplete.
The main theme of the paper is how much energy is put into food and the link to Iran. Essentially, wheat, corn and rice are where we are expending our energy, and the amount we spend on a kernal of corn is insane!!
You know these organic folks and health food freaks piss me off, because of for the majority that I have come across they somehow associate health food and organic food as their part in helping heal the world, the environment. However, it isn't the case...just another capitalist venture to appease the masses...ugh I am not happy with that phrase "the masses". Almost seems to remove any sense of intelligence and instills a sense that we are sheep. I argue we are intelligent human beings, thinking and feeling and extremely cognitive. However, the constant bombardment of information, deflective information if I may add that, and our minds become tired, exhausted, we just want to help, be helpful, be part of the solution...and exploiters have caught onto that. Oh and if you think you are gonna cut wheat and corn and rice out of your diet in order to save the world from the overconsumption of energy...uhm...good luck because those three are insidious a part of everyday. But some information about exactly how this stuff ends up on our plates doesn't hurt.
Try sometimes googling a food item...I tried broccoli..was kind of lame but I did learn alot about the vegetable. Someone else did Pizza and discovered something about Domino's which makes me never eat there again. And another person did Pastachio nuts...and well that nut has some history and next to oil that little nugget is also another tension maker between the states and iraq. I find it interesting how our foods arrive in our cupboards and we take it for granted and look at them as without a story or a history...oh ya the link below...depends on how much time you want in front of your computer...good luck and much love!

http://www.yorku.ca/public/public/backissu/30feature.pdf

Monday, July 31, 2006

We are at war

I wish I had the ability to draw and then the technology to post what I vision. We are at war. Perhaps someone reading this thinks I am talking about current events in the news...and well yes, they are part of it what I am about to go on about. I am currently of the mind that we (colonizers, benefactors of "conquest") never disengaged from war. And I despair that our habits are irreversible. The word "natural" is completely embedded into our psyche and taken as the normal, however it is propaganda. What drives me even further into despair is the long heritage and ongoing creation of literature that outlines how "we" have benefited and continue to benefit from the 'spoils of war'...there was no fucking war to freaking spoil from! But does it matter anymore?
I hear stories about how people are fed up with the "other". Such addages such as "why am I being punished for what happened in the past?" or "what if they had colonized us?" or "It's just a ploy to get more money, besides show me what advantages I have because life hasn't been fair to me and you don't see me blockading roads"...The past isn't over, behaviours and treatments and legalities are still being re-inacted today. Locally you can see how roads are built through reserves, not because of shorter routes but because it doesn't cost as much to build through a reserve as it does to create a more direct route. Just for starters...
What if they had colonized us? Seriously? Nice deflection and as if we were really in threat of that....keeps someone from having to deal with their own complicity of what is happening.
How about that there is only two official languages in Canada and they both happen to be the languages of the colonizers. Okay someone will get pissed and say i have to learn yet another language? Okay, well perhaps I should approach it this way...what if they had colonized us? That means the english language could only be spoken at home but if we want groceries, work, or even to see a t.v. show displaying our culture well forget it, assimilate cause when we got to this piece of land you didn't exist or you were expected to die QUICKLY...oh crap you didn't? Oh well, learn the language like the rest of us. Seriously???
I remember someone saying, they always complain about the drunk indians at bingo, but have you walked into a bar or pub or bingo hall lately? How many Indians do you see? How many white guys do you see? And yet we have a native problem????
It is tough to combat or converse with people who have it set in their mind that there isn't a problem and that people have to get over the past and move on...but the practices of the past are continually being enacted out today...
There is a plethora of academic peer reviewed information to attest to that...but somehow the history written by the white guy and upheld by the white guy through the white system seems to hold up.
And I despair because people, a large proportion people think this is normal??
They think individualism and capitalism is normal...if it is the way we are meant to be why are we so miserable and so alone?
Why are continually medicated and sad?? Is that suppose to be someone's idea of natural? And what is natural? Because so far I haven't seen anything that constitutes natural. Even as I look out my window everything has been cultivated and chosen and selected....
Maybe if I work hard enough I can effect change in my circle...and hopefully that will ripple out?? Well, maybe my way of beginning to give back is to share what I read. An integral beginning would be Peggy McIntosh. I know it makes for a longer read...and isn't that funny people are hurt because we don't want to take the time...

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

"I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group"

Peggy McIntosh

Through work to bring materials from women's studies into the rest of the curriculum, I have often noticed men's unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged, even though they may grant that women are disadvantaged. They may say they will work to women's statues, in the society, the university, or the curriculum, but they can't or won't support the idea of lessening men's. Denials that amount to taboos surround the subject of advantages that men gain from women's disadvantages. These denials protect male privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended.

Thinking through unacknowledged male privilege as a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there are most likely a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there was most likely a phenomenon of while privilege that was similarly denied and protected. As a white person, I realized I had been taught about racism as something that puts others at a disadvantage, but had been taught not to see one of its corollary aspects, white privilege, which puts me at an advantage.

I think whites are carefully taught not to recognize white privilege, as males are taught not to recognize male privilege. So I have begun in an untutored way to ask what it is like to have white privilege. I have come to see white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was "meant" to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, codebooks, visas, clothes, tools , and blank checks.

Describing white privilege makes one newly accountable. As we in women's studies work to reveal male privilege and ask men to give up some of their power, so one who writes about having white privilege must ask, "having described it, what will I do to lessen or end it?"

After I realized the extent to which men work from a base of unacknowledged privilege, I understood that much of their oppressiveness was unconscious. Then I remembered the frequent charges from women of color that white women whom they encounter are oppressive. I began to understand why we are just seen as oppressive, even when we don't see ourselves that way. I began to count the ways in which I enjoy unearned skin privilege and have been conditioned into oblivion about its existence.

My schooling gave me no training in seeing myself as an oppressor, as an unfairly advantaged person, or as a participant in a damaged culture. I was taught to see myself as an individual whose moral state depended on her individual moral will. My schooling followed the pattern my colleague Elizabeth Minnich has pointed out: whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us."

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Daily effects of white privilege

I decided to try to work on myself at least by identifying some of the daily effects of white privilege in my life. I have chosen those conditions that I think in my case attach somewhat more to skin-color privilege than to class, religion, ethnic status, or geographic location, though of course all these other factors are intricately intertwined. As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact in this particular time, place and time of work cannot count on most of these conditions.

1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.

5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.

10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.

11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.

12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.

14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.

15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.

16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.

17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.

18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.

19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.

20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.

28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.

29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.

31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.

32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.

33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.

34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.

36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.

37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.

38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.

39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.

40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.

41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.

42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.

43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.

44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.

45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.

46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.

48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household.

49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.

50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

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Elusive and fugitive

I repeatedly forgot each of the realizations on this list until I wrote it down. For me white privilege has turned out to be an elusive and fugitive subject. The pressure to avoid it is great, for in facing it I must give up the myth of meritocracy. If these things are true, this is not such a free country; one's life is not what one makes it; many doors open for certain people through no virtues of their own.

In unpacking this invisible knapsack of white privilege, I have listed conditions of daily experience that I once took for granted. Nor did I think of any of these perquisites as bad for the holder. I now think that we need a more finely differentiated taxonomy of privilege, for some of these varieties are only what one would want for everyone in a just society, and others give license to be ignorant, oblivious, arrogant, and destructive.

I see a pattern running through the matrix of white privilege, a patter of assumptions that were passed on to me as a white person. There was one main piece of cultural turf; it was my own turn, and I was among those who could control the turf. My skin color was an asset for any move I was educated to want to make. I could think of myself as belonging in major ways and of making social systems work for me. I could freely disparage, fear, neglect, or be oblivious to anything outside of the dominant cultural forms. Being of the main culture, I could also criticize it fairly freely.

In proportion as my racial group was being made confident, comfortable, and oblivious, other groups were likely being made unconfident, uncomfortable, and alienated. Whiteness protected me from many kinds of hostility, distress, and violence, which I was being subtly trained to visit, in turn, upon people of color.

For this reason, the word "privilege" now seems to me misleading. We usually think of privilege as being a favored state, whether earned or conferred by birth or luck. Yet some of the conditions I have described here work systematically to over empower certain groups. Such privilege simply confers dominance because of one's race or sex.

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Earned strength, unearned power

I want, then, to distinguish between earned strength and unearned power conferred privilege can look like strength when it is in fact permission to escape or to dominate. But not all of the privileges on my list are inevitably damaging. Some, like the expectation that neighbors will be decent to you, or that your race will not count against you in court, should be the norm in a just society. Others, like the privilege to ignore less powerful people, distort the humanity of the holders as well as the ignored groups.

We might at least start by distinguishing between positive advantages, which we can work to spread, and negative types of advantage, which unless rejected will always reinforce our present hierarchies. For example, the feeling that one belongs within the human circle, as Native Americans say, should not be seen as privilege for a few. Ideally it is an unearned entitlement. At present, since only a few have it, it is an unearned advantage for them. This paper results from a process of coming to see that some of the power that I originally say as attendant on being a human being in the United States consisted in unearned advantage and conferred dominance.

I have met very few men who truly distressed about systemic, unearned male advantage and conferred dominance. And so one question for me and others like me is whether we will be like them, or whether we will get truly distressed, even outraged, about unearned race advantage and conferred dominance, and, if so, what we will do to lessen them. In any case, we need to do more work in identifying how they actually affect our daily lives. Many, perhaps most, of our white students in the United States think that racism doesn't affect them because they are not people of color; they do not see "whiteness" as a racial identity. In addition, since race and sex are not the only advantaging systems at work, we need similarly to examine the daily experience of having age advantage, or ethnic advantage, or physical ability, or advantage related to nationality, religion, or sexual orientation.

Difficulties and angers surrounding the task of finding parallels are many. Since racism, sexism, and heterosexism are not the same, the advantages associated with them should not be seen as the same. In addition, it is hard to disentangle aspects of unearned advantage that rest more on social class, economic class, race, religion, sex, and ethnic identity that on other factors. Still, all of the oppressions are interlocking, as the members of the Combahee River Collective pointed out in their "Black Feminist Statement" of 1977.

One factor seems clear about all of the interlocking oppressions. They take both active forms, which we can see, and embedded forms, which as a member of the dominant groups one is taught not to see. In my class and place, I did not see myself as a racist because I was taught to recognize racism only in individual acts of meanness by members of my group, never in invisible systems conferring unsought racial dominance on my group from birth.

Disapproving of the system won't be enough to change them. I was taught to think that racism could end if white individuals changed their attitude. But a "white" skin in the United States opens many doors for whites whether or not we approve of the way dominance has been conferred on us. Individual acts can palliate but cannot end, these problems.

To redesign social systems we need first to acknowledge their colossal unseen dimensions. The silences and denials surrounding privilege are the key political surrounding privilege are the key political tool here. They keep the thinking about equality or equity incomplete, protecting unearned advantage and conferred dominance by making these subject taboo. Most talk by whites about equal opportunity seems to me now to be about equal opportunity to try to get into a position of dominance while denying that systems of dominance exist.

It seems to me that obliviousness about white advantage, like obliviousness about male advantage, is kept strongly inculturated in the United States so as to maintain the myth of meritocracy, the myth that democratic choice is equally available to all. Keeping most people unaware that freedom of confident action is there for just a small number of people props up those in power and serves to keep power in the hands of the same groups that have most of it already.

Although systemic change takes many decades, there are pressing questions for me and, I imagine, for some others like me if we raise our daily consciousness on the perquisites of being light-skinned. What will we do with such knowledge? As we know from watching men, it is an open question whether we will choose to use unearned advantage, and whether we will use any of our arbitrarily awarded power to try to reconstruct power systems on a broader base.

Peggy McIntosh is associate director of the Wellesley Collage Center for Research on Women. This essay is excerpted from Working Paper 189. "White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming To See Correspondences through Work in Women's Studies" (1988), by Peggy McIntosh; available for $4.00 from the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, Wellesley MA 02181 The working paper contains a longer list of privileges.

This excerpted essay is reprinted from the Winter 1990 issue of Independent School.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Four wheels and steering wheel...


I have never in my life actively pursued the idea of being a car owner...until now. My budget is limited, so I know it will be a junker. And I have kept my eye open for those wonderful signs stating the owner of the car wants to sell. Some of the prices look reasonable. Again, know NOTHING about cars. I think I am would be happy with relatively decent gas mileage, and the ability to go forward backward and turn...however I know a car needs to be more than that. I can feel winter starting to bear down on me and the realization that if i don't get a vehicle into the house soon, life could become difficult, really difficult. Of course like most things in my life I would find a way to cope...honestly I am tired of coping.
So, slowly but surely I am perusing car lots. Oh, how i would love a new car...but at 300/mos, well that ain't happening...come on realistically? And I am afraid to walk to the back of the lot where they keep their used cars for probably way less a month. So I keep watching cars with "for sale" signs whizz by me...trying desperately to see what the price tag is and thinking he the faster it goes with the least amount of noise must be a good sign that the car isn't a complete loss?!?!?!?!
I thought working on campus would be a great way to find a car that runs for cheap...however, I did not factor in the summer...and that NO ONE comes to the campus in the summer thus no one advertises selling their junker in the summer.

Hmm, I remember when i was in A.A. some rich ex-drunk had handed over the keys to his spare vehicle to one of the guys in the group and said, "here you go, no strings and remember to always wear your seatbelt". The man who got the keys had reached two years of sobriety and he had expressed that finally he felt safe to drive again on the streets, but he had no car and a shitty job that would not pay enough to save for a car. I am thinking I should go back to the meetings...(i am such a doof)
Knowing that I can't go do some act at an A.A. meeting I surf the net...okay seriously with this much technology we can't find websites that give a prospective buyer as much information about a car as possible...seriously? Does it need to be this confusing in this day and age?
I wonder if I plant my one my hotwheels in the ground it will grow into a BIG working Hotwheel? If you're looking for I am planting my toy box full of hotwheels out in the back yard!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Public Children...


I will happily admit that children are cute. They even add a certain kind of joy to my life. I get a kick out ankle biters and they provide me with no end of mirth, even when they are going through a crisis I have a good chuckle. Kids are great, and I think those adults who are relatively well adjusted should have LOTS of kids.
Where I draw the line on children is at restaurants, supermarkets, clothing stores and movie theatres (many various public places, except parks and lakes and play land type places). Here is my line...I feel if a child is properly reared they can be brought out into public, however, if their little lungs and touchy feely fingers and free running chubby legs cannot be kept in check, the little buggers should be locked up!! Okay, so I got a little carried away there, although in the end it is the way I feel. I have heard the argument that parents need to be out and about, do errands, enjoy food not cooked at home and see the latest blockbuster...that they shouldn't be punished for having children. I agree 100%, come on out and have some chicken a la king, and see superman returns, and get those bananas. However, if junior is a screamer, a toucher, a runner...junior stays home, or gets heavily sedated before you leave the premises.
I know parents have the capacity to teach their children to use their normal voice, to sit still, to keep the hands to thy self. I have witnessed it numerous times and even applauded it because that has to be a hard task to figure out how to bring the child out into public, maintain respectibility and still have it so the child also will enjoy thee outing.
This I know. Children should be fed...not chips, not chocolate bars...but proper veggies and whole grains and meats...because when kids get hungry or lack proper nutrition, they show it...READILY. In addition, parents should come armed with crayons and mini puzzles or books. Just some things I know.
I recently went to a movie...and inside I died a little when I saw two groups of parents come in with children who were under the age of five. I sunk in my seat and wondered how much of the movie would be wasted on the sounds of screaming, incessant LOUD questioning, running up and down the aisle. And here is what I saw...One family, pulled out carrots and celery and sat with a magazine with their kid until the movie started...they leaned in and whispered talking, long before the movie started!! How wonderful and delightful. The other parents got a high seat for their child and had a book and crayons...OMG I was so delighted. Although, I knew the movie was going to be long and kids are short on patience...rightly so...but to my amazement the kids sat, they whispered and when they needed to get up and walk, they leaned into their parent and both members queitly exited and re-entered. I got to enjoy the movie wholeheartedly and my experience was enhanced knowing that there are still responsible parents in the universe!!
Of course everytime I see a child in public I inwardly think he/she is giving the middle finger to those of us who wish not to hear a tantrum or see snot on our bananas...and once and a while a parent proves me wrong and presents a kid who can still enjoy the world with his/her young senses and not disturb my aging senses.
Okay you can now persecute me for being cantankerous!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

clever...bad


Well, I am attempting to get back into my creative spirit. I have always found that when I get back to my writing I am more balanced and I believe in myself more. So, in "White Studies" I became slightly inspired...and scribbled. I really need a notebook on a string...one that goes around my neck...but it needs to be small and manageable, not like some clunky thing that is obvious and obnoxious...maybe that isn't what I need, but I know that I would write more if I had a more effective way of writing then trying to search around in my bag for a book or a paper to write...if my space for writing was accessible the moment inspiratin popped into my head...if there are any suggestions out there let me know.

Okay, words...

"one thing led ot another, small strings attached to another, tied into a web" <--cliche

"Strange mother you found my words/peeled them back/ my lined paper/ and ripped out all of the letters/ I was left with words"

Some people have seen my Strange Mother work before...I actually have an extensive Strange Mother work...I am hoping if enough of what is in me will squeeze out onto pages perhaps the actualization of becoming published will happen.

Keep squeezing sugar.

Allergic


I think I am allergic to cloudy days.
Now, vaguely I am serious and yet not really. However, today is cloudy and my eyes are weepy and my nose is slightly runny and I feel bloated (the bloated feeling is attributed to my sex though...not allergies).
I wish there was such a thing as being allefic to cloudy days. Wait there is...S.A.D. Seasonal Affect Disorder or something like that.
I often speculate that somehow I am one of the many who, if for prolonged peroids left out of the sun become sad. Of course two days of cloudiness does not make a sad She. I am just currently being goofy. More than likely I had a rough night last night and my body is attempting to repair.
However, in the winter the valley becomes a place of doom and gloom. Constantly the skies are overcast and when we get snow it quickly goes from white to grey. The valley traps the clouds and refuses to let go of them all winter long...probably because the valley is recovering from the pain of an excrutiatingly bright summer, the land is completely scorched by the time September ends and desires the long sleeved cloud cover of winter.
Enevitably, I begin to feel the effects of no sun during the winter. Depression comes more readily and I find myself seeking sources of reported happiness...Vitamin D, St. John's Wort and a visit to a tanning booth to stave off any gloom and doom. Invariably finals show up and essays which I am not prepared for and all my happy feelings get squished out of me like a pimple gets squished of the face of a thirteen year hold hopelessly fighting off the effects of puberty. I go splat on the bathroom mirror of desperation and despair and land into depression.
The saving grace is summer. Ah glorious summer and all it's sunshine! All that sunshine that lends itself to complaints and longing for winter where everyone expresses the sentiment that at least in winter you can dress up in layers and turn on the heat in order to regulate comfort levels...whereas in the summer naked in a tub of ice is about as close to comfort as one can get...and that normally never works out.
So back to my allergy and clouds..my eyes won't stop weeping and my nose won't stop dripping and I wonder if I have late onset allergies? or if this is what it feels like for a person with allergies?
There is nothing wrong with me...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I am so ashamed...


Okay, the pussycat dolls...really? Like what fat old white rich male's fantasy just came true? Holy crap...and only one of them can sing...and yet...gawd...and I hate myself so much for this...but I actually like the "buttons" song. WHY??!?!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Anything I have been lately...

The sky is cut today. A great swath of a storm cloud has decidely come right up the valley...do better than nestling between the mountains, in fact stream ling through. In a great show there seems to be something ominous. Although, isn't anything that changes the landscape seem ominous? For over two weeks it has been nothing but clear skies and incredible heat and warmth. And for one abrupt day a dark cloud moves in.
I find myself currently with little to do, which means I could be reading..I'm not.
I'm tired.
And I am remembering...the past.
So many different faces are coming up at me...I actually found myself missing an old roomate. There was something about her personality that really enchanted me. I remember that even though she hated herself so completely that people still followed her and wanted her "coolness". I don't think anyone ever wanted to be her...however, her personality, her easy laugh, her sense of human character, all very amazing qualities. And when she would push any of us away, we would be completely confused and yet she thought that we wanted release from her.
Of course, her and I haven't spoken for years. And I am not sure how I would feel about coming to face with her now. The event that broke our friendship is completely long and buried now...not even something that can be resurrected...I learned my lesson, so it isn't something she could do to me again, because I know better.
Friendship is a wierd thing for me.
I was walking home yesterday and I thought about how I changed from a fully social person to a recluse. How now I find joy in not mingling...the thought of large groups scares me now, makes me nauseous. The thought of people I don't know and people who do me...upsetting.
Somehow when Jaidan died, I became uncertain and unwilling.
Of course Belva, I do desire a good Ya-Ya shaking...and yet...
So, the prospect of the requirments of my M.A. isn't too entirely enticing. I have to liason with the community. Means people...lots of people...and no comfort of familiar places...ie home.
Surely I will do it. Of course I will.
Since I was concieved I have been going forth and forward...slips, trips and uphill climbs as a wise friend puts it.
I am thankful for the friends who are with me now. They are few, but they are solid...and they love me even when I am not present. And truly they all have been so incredibly patient with me. And because of them I find myself more easily able to let go and to give unconditionally.
Of course in the end, I miss my brother so much...I am continually amazed that I am here and he is not. I am amazed how his death changed my life, forced me to say to my mother that she is no longer allowed to be part of my life and I no longer desire to be part of hers. Amazed at how his death freed me to say to my sisters that God won't save me anytime soon, so we best go our own way....
Amazed at how the cloud can cut the sky, darkly.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Transit...Why?


I am all for environmentally, public funded types of transportation. Taking the bus doesn't really bother me. In fact, I support it 100%. And when I get to go to the large urban centres, I can fully appreciate how the public transit system operates and services the needs of large quantities of ungreatful, grumbly, pisswads, in the hopes there will be at one smiley person a day who says "thankyou".
However, I am in my mid-sized urban centre, where the bus runs more frequently than busses run in my previous city I lived in. Although, it isn't much of a consolation, when one doesn't know if they will be early, on-time, or late...without much of an apology...or the possible chance of a grumble, because everyone knows it is the passengers fault.
Okay, so the job of bus-driver...not glamorous...although well-paid, and at regular hours. Why is it that the city always manages to hire more unfriendly people to drive their busses then the friendly compassionate drivers??
I don't know how many times I have seen elderly rushed onto or off the bus, stops missed and the poor elderly person with their walker or wheel chair forced to hoof it further than their hip replacement was ever meant to go...no apology.
I don't know how many times I have seen a troupe of disabled and mentally dysfunctional people suffer abuse from bus drivers who don't have the patience for buckling in those with wheelchairs or helping the aids assist the handicapped into a safe passenger position.
How many times I have seen a bus pull away from a main stop three minutes before it is scheduled to leave and the driver won't stop for those people who are RUNNING to catch the bus that is leaving EARLY!
Okay, so there are the occasional gems who warm my heart and assure me that not all is lost...the dark side hasn't completely consumed the public service.
Although, the U-Pass may or may not assist in some very important changes. For one, it will save me 77 dollars...that I spent this month on a mother flipping bus pass.
Hmm, so student union office isn't open everyday...only select days, and it is more of a guessing games as to when it is open or not...and well students are suppose to get their passes from there. So I missed the day it is open and I figured I would toddle off to Shopper's Drug Mart to get my beloved month pass. I said I was a student showed my "graduate" UBC student ID. And the teller sold me a student bus pass. Yes it looked different than the ones I usually sport, however, I figured the teller would know better than me and sold me the appropriate pass considering my identification and all. So, July 1st rolls around, and I want to have a leisurely day down at the farmers market checking out fresh produce...I get my spanky new bus pass and hop the bus. I got lucky, I got the asshole driver, he is a consumate jerk, who drives erractically and the only rush he is concerned about is the one that gets him closer to a Tim Horton's, for which he makes no apology if the lines up are long and his passengers miss connections because of his need for Timmys! Oh I sink when I see him. And I sunk when I saw him July 1st, but wow did he come to life with the prospect of kicking me off the bus, when he saw my student bus pass. Turns out my student bus pass is only if you are in highschool...not university. Slowly but surely I talked my way through it and he let me stay on. I went straight to Shoppers to exchange the pass and pay the difference.
Well...ya...no you can't do that....Shoppers can't do that, I have to go to City Hall and do that...Shoppers doesn't do refunds or exchanges. I complained full heartedly and ended up needing a regular pass since well the bus is my life line currently in this urban sprawl HELL...OH MY GOD, did I end up hating my mid sized urban centre July 1st? YES!!!
So, I tried in my best imitation of calm and collected to point out to the manager that if an establishment is selling an item to a consumer they need to be clear on what they are selling and policy around the item sold. They need to relay that to ALL their staff, so the staff can relay that too the consumer. That way 77dollars can be saved in trying to find fucking transportation!
However, the reply was, that I should have known...that it isn't there fault and it is my responsibility...grrr...
Lesson learned? On many levels yes. So, saving up for a car now!