Struggling...

Well, there are certainly classes where I feel like I am swimming up stream...salmon? By the way the word "salmon" has been an incredibly recurring word within the last two to three weeks and I am a believer in signs. I do believe the universe talks to me and if you want to call me a hippy, a new age freak, or in need of a dose, well go get stuffed!
Anyways, of my four classes I have been in this summer there is two classes where I felt anger in the room. Anger from students who are part of the culture that has been continually pushed around...I can sympathize and i can see the evidence and I really want to be part of the solution not the problem. However, their anger has made me acutely aware of my own dialogue...hmm, maybe that isn't right...their anger has made me cautious in my course, cautious of what I say.
Sadly, yesterday, that anger reared it's ugly head yesterday. And again lets keep in mind that I may be really sensitive. Yesterday I swam upstream...yesterday I came to terms about what I am able to understand compared to what I am able to articulate. My fear got the better of me in class...and I bumbled and said words that were not suppose to come out of my mouth and no-one let it pass...I did hear people stand up for me at times...but the anger is there. I have very real concerns about how I will do in this class...I can sense I am seriously lagging behind the other students. My articulation is latent and I am in trouble. The leader of the class also concerns me, I can feel her ages of hurt, amazing she is from a part of a world I can't even imagine and yet I can feel the streams and flows of hurt and anger lapping up against her.
Then there is this other subject that is really hurting me...the words "emotional ties" and how that is linked with identity. You know five years ago I may have been certain of my identity, I could have pinpointed my emotional ties. However, events seem to have obliterated those ties, and my identity has become fluid and nothing I can define. I understand I am something to the people in my life, however, I don't know what I am to myself. I am having trouble locating myself...the wind stopped outside my window...I keep wondering what am I emotionally tied to, where is my identity, where do I get my identity from? I wish I could rely on the stories I was told growing up, but they have become unstable and fallacies, and I am having trouble locating where my stories come from...
So I am sitting in this class, with many different voices that are continually locating themselves, and linking up their emotional ties with the content that we are working through and I am detached. No stories. And while I have a narrative, a path I can recount, the anger and hurt that is the class does not make me feel safe to use my stories in ways to access the material...not verbally anyways.
Which turn leads me to my continual state of self-doubt. I am kind enough to myself to know I am intelligent, I am a survivor, and I will go the distance even if I am the loser I won't give up...okay...but am I ready for this, and when i say this I say Masters program...and if I am ready, is my community ready to accept me? I get the sense that if I do make it through this process that the community will be so completely embroiled in pain and anger that I won't be accepted...

I got my first mark back...and there are two kinds of students the eighty percent student and the ninety percent student...I do not belong to the latter currently. What does this mean? Well if this first mark is an indication of my future progress and success well ultimately I am greatful that I didn't get a student loan and I won't have to pay back these two years...I am certainly not giving up, and I won't, in case I can turn this around...I am not sure how and I may not be developed enough to do so, but I am in now and I won't stop.