I continually have new places that I find in my grief. Overall, I think I am fairly quiet about my grieving and how extensive my pain and sense of loss is. I remember when someone at one of my old jobs lost his grandmother. For several months afterwards he was very vocal about his pain, and the staff increasingly became unsympathetic towards him and began suggesting that his grieving time should end. I remember that reaction and often find myself censuring myself when in public, or ever personal situations. I don't want people to groan inwardly when I mention the pain of losing my brother and that even two years later I find I am profoundly affected and disabled by my grief.
What is worse is that it is November, and Jaidan passed away in November...my body remembers the smells, sights, the feeling of the cold, everything that embodies November feels as though it is now part of my DNA...I can't go anywhere without feeling the heaviness of this month.
I would hope as the years pass perhaps this too shall pass, however, if it doesn't I don't think I should feel bad about it. Jaidan is my brother, he is a foundation in which part of who I am rests firmly with. His death had many repercussions on my present situation, as well as, past and future.
So this is the Month of Jaidan...perhaps even the season as I can't even imagine another Christmas without him and yet I have to. I don't think that I will be increasing my vocalization about my grief, but I will work on not feeling shame for for feeling sad. I also hope that I will be a source of solace for those who lost someone dear and near and feel isolated by those who don't know or don't understand what that means and how long that kind of pain lasts and manifests.
Here is to one day waking up!
4 comments:
I am glad to hear you speak of this. I've been wondering how you've been holding up with this month...I too remember the exact deets of that time, what I was doing, where I was, what happened for me and my emotions for you.
I grieve with you in my own ways sista.
Sending you love!
My body is a fair amount of physical pain, which is interesting because I am not doing anything in terms of exertion. My dreams are vivid and painful. I am extremely exhausted, I want to sleep ALL the time. And I cry alot...I will be doing nothing and just tear up and blubber away. I have also been getting anxiety attacks in the last couple of days...this time of year hurts.
I think the smells are the worst...I can't get away from them, because the season smells...oh and the cool air too...ugh.
There is a girl in my office who lost her father recently, we share stories of how we think we have gotten better but then realize we have been on auto-pilot. We share in our fascination that the emotions don't have an expiry date, but they do have a point of isolation...what's worse we both admitted that we are thankful we share the language...both of us were relieved to have someone to talk to, although that means we have lost something...one.
Gan,
I know of the pain of which you speak. And unless i wanted to be the type of friend that told you only the things you wanted to hear, I cannot tell you that the month of November will ever be the same ol month to you again. My month is April, and 13 years later it is still April. I still cry fresh tears for the man that was taken from me so suddenly,
but I also cry for the knowledge that was taken from me at that time also. I recently met with his sister for the first time since I was four months old, and I tell ya, if anything was like opening up a once healed scar and dumping in the acid it was that day. What hurt the most though was not my own pain, but the look of pain and memories still fresh in their eyes being projected on the daughter that looks so much like him.
Gan, I know that your grief is your own, and each day is unique in the amount of pain it brings you. Realize that it is emotion and above all else- saddness- that makes us unique, but brings us together at same time. Jayden touched all who knew him in way that was inexplicable. I think you should use the month of november to honour his memory, ,in any way that you can that day. I love you. And I think that i understand more the lines that you don't write then the lines you do.
Thankyou Max,
I really appreciate your words. I know November will never be the same, no amount of therapy or years will rearrange the meaning of the month for me. Thankyou for telling me that even after 13 years April is rough. All those milestones in our lives that are missed and or missing that person to witness them physically. I still remember your story of your wedding day, and whenever I am hitting a milestone, let me tell ya I am looking eagerly for those same signs.
Oh and welcome to my blog, I am SO excited you are here. Now I really have to work hard to create something interesting...yeesh!
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