Anything I have been lately...

The sky is cut today. A great swath of a storm cloud has decidely come right up the valley...do better than nestling between the mountains, in fact stream ling through. In a great show there seems to be something ominous. Although, isn't anything that changes the landscape seem ominous? For over two weeks it has been nothing but clear skies and incredible heat and warmth. And for one abrupt day a dark cloud moves in.
I find myself currently with little to do, which means I could be reading..I'm not.
I'm tired.
And I am remembering...the past.
So many different faces are coming up at me...I actually found myself missing an old roomate. There was something about her personality that really enchanted me. I remember that even though she hated herself so completely that people still followed her and wanted her "coolness". I don't think anyone ever wanted to be her...however, her personality, her easy laugh, her sense of human character, all very amazing qualities. And when she would push any of us away, we would be completely confused and yet she thought that we wanted release from her.
Of course, her and I haven't spoken for years. And I am not sure how I would feel about coming to face with her now. The event that broke our friendship is completely long and buried now...not even something that can be resurrected...I learned my lesson, so it isn't something she could do to me again, because I know better.
Friendship is a wierd thing for me.
I was walking home yesterday and I thought about how I changed from a fully social person to a recluse. How now I find joy in not mingling...the thought of large groups scares me now, makes me nauseous. The thought of people I don't know and people who do me...upsetting.
Somehow when Jaidan died, I became uncertain and unwilling.
Of course Belva, I do desire a good Ya-Ya shaking...and yet...
So, the prospect of the requirments of my M.A. isn't too entirely enticing. I have to liason with the community. Means people...lots of people...and no comfort of familiar places...ie home.
Surely I will do it. Of course I will.
Since I was concieved I have been going forth and forward...slips, trips and uphill climbs as a wise friend puts it.
I am thankful for the friends who are with me now. They are few, but they are solid...and they love me even when I am not present. And truly they all have been so incredibly patient with me. And because of them I find myself more easily able to let go and to give unconditionally.
Of course in the end, I miss my brother so much...I am continually amazed that I am here and he is not. I am amazed how his death changed my life, forced me to say to my mother that she is no longer allowed to be part of my life and I no longer desire to be part of hers. Amazed at how his death freed me to say to my sisters that God won't save me anytime soon, so we best go our own way....
Amazed at how the cloud can cut the sky, darkly.