overwhelmed

I just came from speaking with a PhD about my future Graduate plans. I am overwhelmed, I am frightened. The emotions don't come to me because I am afraid of my ability, I think, I believe I will do wonders in my Graduate program. I have complete confidence in myself to perform the tasks necessary. What scares me is my complete financial instability. HOW THE FUCK AM I PAYING FOR IT??? Okay, student loan...that is okay I am investing in my future. Okay, T.A. positions...depends on funding and competition from other students for those T.A. positions. I am searching out scholarships, actively. I am going to work over the summer...although that looks bleak the best I can hope to make is $10 an hour and I still have to pay rent and bills and food...maybe I can make food optional? I am scared that I will go through my graduate program the same way I am going through my undergraduate, working several jobs, cramming in courses...I am excited by my material..I know hard to believe, but I am one of the few who actually likes the work she is doing...but I have no time to immerse myself in the material and really enjoy it. Am I going to do that with my Masters?? Will I have a choice? I don't think so, I think the Masters program will be a scrape fest...
I am putting out the feelers though for a job that will pay good money...or what I might do is work several jobs at once...which I can do really well cause I won't be in school. I think if I can get to full time jobs and one part time I could really pull of saving up money and getting back on my feet!
Ugh, really wanted to get reaquainted with my friends again...say 'hi, how are you?' FUCK FUCK FUCK!