Okay, now I am entering a small panic mode. Spent a few minutes speaking with one of my supervisors on my MA committee. He asked some really good questions and pointed out some even more important elements I should I be considering. And, as he was grilling me and forcing me to think I panic'd. I have no idea what I am doing. I had no way to articulate to him what I want to do, because honestly I don't know what I really want to do...I just want to learn...I just want to be part of something.
I have no clue. And when I begin to think of who I could ask about this process about what I should be doing, looking at, etc, etc...there is no one...no one I feel safe enough to say, I have no clue...I just jumped on board cause I didn't want to stay behind...I jumped. Operative word here...Jumped. Good god impulsiveness does not sell well in my life...okay, so, can't fully rely on landing on my feet, although I know I will...how can I be so confident? Because, I will keep plugging along...oh god, a good fraud never admits they are frauding their way through...so I won't...I will keep going try to ask the questions I can, and hope it all works out...GEEZ!
I feel stupid because I didn't really think this out...I didn't find a mentor a person who has been here who wants to share with me and help me figure out what I am doing here...I really fucked this up. This is where I wish I had parents who were semi-functional, alive, and with education...or even an aunt, or cousin, someone close to me...FUCK. I really hate being so alone!
I can't even put a hold on this MA thing, the money is being spent as we speak, wheels are turning and it is going down hill with no flipping breaks...I gotta go with the ride...Okay, so ya when the ride is over I know I will look back and laugh, but right now...GEEZ!
I am really hoping there will be some beautiful invisible hands popping up soon, because I don't have anytime to curl up somewhere and cry!
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Although I have never been there before, I (among many, I suspect) have full confidence in your ability to pull this off, She. Seriously, during your undergrad, how many times did you go into an exam or sit down to write an essay without having a freaking clue what you were about to write and then manage to pull off a solid A? 'Nuff said. Despite the fact that the MA process is much more intense, the fact remains that you wouldn't have gained entrance and been supported by so many profs if they didn't think you could do something amazing so there it is--the only boost you should need. Now, as Kool and the Gang once said, stop worrying about the insignificant stuff and "get down on it." You're gonna' do fine.
:)
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