Oh this picture says it all for me. I can't remember what ad campaign it is from but it is meant to sell something. I feel like what I am doing right now can be summed up by this picture. By the way I am the cow...not the dolphin. I am doing my best though to keep up, make the leaps. However, everyone wants something from me and I have increased my chances of being caught in the net. And dammit I am not on the endangered species list!!!
I am struggling with my choices right now. I am struggling with uncertaintity. I usually learn quickly and jump the hoops, however this time I am not picking up on things as quickly. In addition, stemming from my fear of inadequacy I am putting off my work, both in my home and in school. There are projects ALL around me and I don't want to touch any of them, but deep inside I know if I do I will feel good, I will feel accomplished. Honestly that is what I want.
Okay, so this is the current question posed to me in my academic life. "Is this really where your passion lies?". For clarification, in broad terms I am looking at housing discrimination in Kelowna. For me, it is social issues I am wholeheartedly in love with and want to be part of. I don't care what social issue it is, throw me in, teach me and allow me to be a problem solver, or at least part of a solution. What is it about housing that I like? Well, everyone needs a roof over their head, a warm safe place to sleep. Taken for granted is that all of us in the world have access to that place...not true. That is what fascinates me!! In addition, another taken for granted idea is that everyone wants the same kind of home...again not true! I love the diversity, I love envisioning living in a space that engenders diversity.
Okay so is housing directly my love and passion, no. The social ails around it though are! If someone were to come to me later today and say, "Do you want to research spousal abuse?" YES...or, "Do you want to research disabilities?" YES...or, "Do you want to research, child poverty?" YES YES YES...all of it would make me happy. Because not only would I learn, but I would have the opportunity to be part of giving back to the community...all I want for my life is to give back...so am I in the program for the wrong reasons??? That is my problem right now. I don't think I am, I think I am confused, I think I need clarification, and I need to be set in direction. I am going to people (my supervisor) and establishing communication and straightforwardly saying, "I'm confused".
I am optimistic. Don't get me wrong. I will do this, whatever this is...there is no doubts there. I mean I was petrified during my B.A. and I finished it. Certainly, toward the final semester I had a good grasp on how the B.A. worked but up until that point I really had NO clue what I was doing, it was because of others who gently pushed me in different directions that I made it...and my hardwork of applying myself to the material. So, I will do the M.A. no question...but I believe I am allowed to be afraid, confused and upset during the process. And this space will serve as a testimony in the future that really I had nothing to worry about.
In the meantime, I will leap with the dolphins and pray that I don't get caught in a tuna net!
No comments:
Post a Comment