She came undone...

Did you ever take a piece of rope and twist it up so you could watch it unwind. That is how I feel. I go through periods of being twisted up, haunted by exterior forces to become tighter, tauter, controlled...eventually I release...and I wind away from all the pressure. It is an unavoidable cycle for me. So beautiful and so graceful...yet so scared and even more sacred then I had ever dreamt.
Amazing I never thought I would know what this feels like, this being ...being right now.
So, I am past a week of heat and nightmares and fears. Now I am into a rythm...a slow steady rythm that asks me to show up at work...whenever I can. The same rythm asks me to be wary of my academic obligations but don't fret them. A rythm of coming home and making sure the next meal is hot and the floor is vacuumed and the bed is made for two individuals who come together so exquistely in the middle of the night.
My rope is unwinding...twirling down, gracefully as though it was planned.

Backslide...

The nightmares...always with the same usual theme, Jaidan dying, death, dead. This time a deadly freezing wind comes through the town of Vernon at certain times and Jaidan and I have to get somewhere with our luggage. We hop in the car, I drive. We get to our destination and the freezing wind is behind us...we can see it. Both Jaidan and I run into safety...literally side by side. When we get in, for just a moment I think *we made it* but I look over at him...he isn't looking at me. His whole body is stiff...and he falls to the floor. The freezing wind got him, not me. I see convulsions of his hand...my dream interprets the wave as an attempt to say *I am alive, save me*....

Shortly after this I wake up. That was three days ago...and I can't shake it. I am tired. Extremely tired. But I still have to go work, I have classes starting next week. I am breaking. I found myself in a hallway trying to put money on my photocopy card fighting back tears.