Bloody Buckets and Sam Hill

Oh okay, dammit. I have been a total whiner lately. Which is funny because I personally can't stand complaining. Something inside of me dies when I hear someone drone on about something in their lives they aren't happy with...and I am being such a hyprocrit right now!
Okay, the essay is in. Really, I finished it...the first one of my Masters carreer..and you know what...I feel okay. I know it isn't my best work...but somehow I decided to lay my heart down along the path and I didn't pick it up for purposes of writing the essay. All is okay.
Really, what do I have to worry about...nothing.
Honestly, I have lived through some interesting experiences, even have the scars to prove my journey has been rough. Academia is not rough...so why am I whining?
I think I must be a battered wife...metaphorically. I can't enjoy something if it doesn't come with its fair share of lumps...and honestly there are no real lumps to be had in Academia. You talk to somone and read some books and perhaps write a ditty or two and et voila you get a title and a piece of paper which apparently states you know something...doesn't have to be earthshattering and rarely ever is, just know something. Well shoot, I know a whole bunch of things!
So, it is time for inspiration.
I need to get into a creative writing class. I need some new music. I need a new hair colour. And some of those funky foam shoes.
Hoping Mary Ellen doesn't retire so I can sit in on her classes and find my writing spirit again. I think my soul misses my hands holding a pen and splurging on the paper. The honesty needs to purge.
And in the end FUCK THEM ALL!
Clean up your own damn mess and stop shitting!
over and out

Me, Part of the Herd?

Oh this picture says it all for me. I can't remember what ad campaign it is from but it is meant to sell something. I feel like what I am doing right now can be summed up by this picture. By the way I am the cow...not the dolphin. I am doing my best though to keep up, make the leaps. However, everyone wants something from me and I have increased my chances of being caught in the net. And dammit I am not on the endangered species list!!!
I am struggling with my choices right now. I am struggling with uncertaintity. I usually learn quickly and jump the hoops, however this time I am not picking up on things as quickly. In addition, stemming from my fear of inadequacy I am putting off my work, both in my home and in school. There are projects ALL around me and I don't want to touch any of them, but deep inside I know if I do I will feel good, I will feel accomplished. Honestly that is what I want.
Okay, so this is the current question posed to me in my academic life. "Is this really where your passion lies?". For clarification, in broad terms I am looking at housing discrimination in Kelowna. For me, it is social issues I am wholeheartedly in love with and want to be part of. I don't care what social issue it is, throw me in, teach me and allow me to be a problem solver, or at least part of a solution. What is it about housing that I like? Well, everyone needs a roof over their head, a warm safe place to sleep. Taken for granted is that all of us in the world have access to that place...not true. That is what fascinates me!! In addition, another taken for granted idea is that everyone wants the same kind of home...again not true! I love the diversity, I love envisioning living in a space that engenders diversity.
Okay so is housing directly my love and passion, no. The social ails around it though are! If someone were to come to me later today and say, "Do you want to research spousal abuse?" YES...or, "Do you want to research disabilities?" YES...or, "Do you want to research, child poverty?" YES YES YES...all of it would make me happy. Because not only would I learn, but I would have the opportunity to be part of giving back to the community...all I want for my life is to give back...so am I in the program for the wrong reasons??? That is my problem right now. I don't think I am, I think I am confused, I think I need clarification, and I need to be set in direction. I am going to people (my supervisor) and establishing communication and straightforwardly saying, "I'm confused".
I am optimistic. Don't get me wrong. I will do this, whatever this is...there is no doubts there. I mean I was petrified during my B.A. and I finished it. Certainly, toward the final semester I had a good grasp on how the B.A. worked but up until that point I really had NO clue what I was doing, it was because of others who gently pushed me in different directions that I made it...and my hardwork of applying myself to the material. So, I will do the M.A. no question...but I believe I am allowed to be afraid, confused and upset during the process. And this space will serve as a testimony in the future that really I had nothing to worry about.
In the meantime, I will leap with the dolphins and pray that I don't get caught in a tuna net!

Whoops, they might be on to me....

Okay, now I am entering a small panic mode. Spent a few minutes speaking with one of my supervisors on my MA committee. He asked some really good questions and pointed out some even more important elements I should I be considering. And, as he was grilling me and forcing me to think I panic'd. I have no idea what I am doing. I had no way to articulate to him what I want to do, because honestly I don't know what I really want to do...I just want to learn...I just want to be part of something.
I have no clue. And when I begin to think of who I could ask about this process about what I should be doing, looking at, etc, etc...there is no one...no one I feel safe enough to say, I have no clue...I just jumped on board cause I didn't want to stay behind...I jumped. Operative word here...Jumped. Good god impulsiveness does not sell well in my life...okay, so, can't fully rely on landing on my feet, although I know I will...how can I be so confident? Because, I will keep plugging along...oh god, a good fraud never admits they are frauding their way through...so I won't...I will keep going try to ask the questions I can, and hope it all works out...GEEZ!
I feel stupid because I didn't really think this out...I didn't find a mentor a person who has been here who wants to share with me and help me figure out what I am doing here...I really fucked this up. This is where I wish I had parents who were semi-functional, alive, and with education...or even an aunt, or cousin, someone close to me...FUCK. I really hate being so alone!
I can't even put a hold on this MA thing, the money is being spent as we speak, wheels are turning and it is going down hill with no flipping breaks...I gotta go with the ride...Okay, so ya when the ride is over I know I will look back and laugh, but right now...GEEZ!
I am really hoping there will be some beautiful invisible hands popping up soon, because I don't have anytime to curl up somewhere and cry!