The sky fell

2008 Okanagan International Marathon

2008-10-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

2008 Okanangan International Marathon--my final goal.

So I started weight loss as of May 2007, and as of January 8th, 2008, I started training for a half marathon. There are pictures in another posting of the half marathon. As a result of my training, I was encouraged to attempt a full marathon. Here's the distinction, a 1/2 marathon is 21.1Km long, and a full marathon is 42.2Km long...yes double the distance and you have yourself a full one! I have to-date lost a 106lbs and I officially have finished the full marathon. My chip time was 5:01, and I've posted a link at the bottom so you can check it out for yourself!

So it's 7:15am in the morning, the race starts at 8am and Terrie (running partner) and I attempting to get warm in the expo tent...it was cold and dark outside! We did bring our smiles!

I do appreciate the luck of drawing the number "1234" I almost felt like I was being given a message...something like: It's as easy as 1...2...3...4!!

This is me at the start, waving, smiling and ready for what's to come! There was a tonne of people there, so it took a while for all of us to get out of the gate. Once we were out it was quite surreal, because in my training group there was about 9 of us training to do the full marathon, so very often my runs consisted of just me out on the road, sometimes Terrie was with me and sometimes not...so quite a quiet time of training. Then here I find myself in amongst a gaggle of people and there was lots of them until we split up at the turn around point...then people dwindled, but even at the end there was still runners visible to me or around me! I got a real charge out of it and I think that is why I was able to do the marathon in the time that I did...I was thinking it would take me 5 and half hours, so 5hrs is pretty impressive! My goal is try and do it within four hours...a couple more years of training I would venture? The race was amazing and I did it with a head cold to boot! The weather threatened to rain, but then backed off and the sun came out. The whole run was cool, and my nose never warmed up the whole race! I had some great friends come out and cheer me on and I am hoping to get their pictures soon!

So, this is me coming to the final stretch to the finish line. At the 37Km mark tears were already streaming down my face and I had to pull them in because it is hard to breath when crying. I couldn't believe that I ran the furthest distance I had ever run in my life and that the finish line was so close...every kilometre I passed, I could feel the success growing in me! I was going finish and I was going to finish feeling relatively good. What do I mean by relatively good? Nothing was broken, dislocated, no crashing because of lack of nutrition, hydrated quite well...my muscles were damn freaking tired and my right foot was taking a serious beating, all in all I was in great shape!

Not only was I in great shape, but I was smiling and waving coming in! HOORAY!! However...the tears I was biting back needed to come out...

I had a sweet crowd of friends around me...not so well represented in these pictures, but there was a nice turnout, which made me happy. I saw all of their faces eagerly watching and cheering me to the finish line and then they rounded the corner to meet me on the otherside and I began bawling! Sobbing! Crying! I was and am so happy that I did it, and I had witnesses! I cried! I ran 42.2km! I learned I can put self-doubt on the shelf and get 'er done!

So once again, I owe Kasondra...can't believe that this time last year she suggested training for a 1/2 marathon, telling me it would help with weight loss, which it did tremendously! I entertained the idea and also embarked on the adventure that led me to loving running! I don't know how long I will love running for as I am thinking I would like to try my hand at boxing or mixed martial arts...for now, though I love it and I have Kasondra to thank for leading me to the trough so-to-speak! Seeing her made me weep even harder! The gratitude in my heart was overwhelming!

So here we are, Terrie and I, at the finish, both of us having run our first marathon and coming in strong, happy and well within our own personal goals! I am proud, I am ready for the next challenge and finally I am grateful! I am lucky to be alive and to be cherished by so many wonderful and multi-faceted people. Including those who read this! Thank you for your support!

http://www.events.runningroom.com/site/?raceId=3273 This is the main page for the event
http://www.events.runningroom.com/site/?raceId=3273&eventId=12203&vrindex=4 This link is for the Marathon results, I can be searched by name (Ctrl + F) or by race number "1234"

ScarAss and Family

2008-07-17T11:12:00.001-07:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that some people do read this blog and that my absences don't help in the process of knowing what I am up to these days. Last month, I met some of my family which for a long time had been quite unknown to me! I also was able to couple the meeting with a road trip with a lovely friend, Colleen. I would like to say about Colleen, she is living the life I hope to live when I grow up...single, condo, learned and consistently enjoying life with arms wide open!

Here are some pictures and my details of how the event went!

This is Colleen and I. We are fresh faced and well groomed before we left...this is important because we left in a soft top jeep...the top came off and the grooming flew out the window, much to our delight!

What is any roadtrip without at least a couple goofy faces? Can you tell we're having fun yet? Really, we got stuck behind a hay bail truck, and if any one has been behind these kind of transport vehicles, you know what that means...snoringly long time until you can get past them!

This is part of Nicola Lake. We took the back road to my family's home and it was stunning. Lakes and rolling hills around every bend, was simply beautiful scenery.

So just to help put the whole "jeep hair" discussion into perspective, this is what happens when you take the top off of a jeep...*GRIN*

These are some shots of my cousin Barry's property and his lovely "Dizzy" Great Dane, which I was schooled on why it isn't wise to own a Great Dane, but I am not sure if I will listen, because they are gorgeous and amazingly well tempered!

I know who cares about a packed tent laying on the ground, but there is a seriously cute story here. So, I am not the biggest fan of camping...I like it up to a point and then I am done with it. What can I say, I like hot showers! Anyways, I was quite happy to camp at my cousins place, but my dear friend Colleen forgot the tent poles...which worked out nicely for me, cause I got to sleep in a real bed, inside the house for the weekend...WOOT for pole gremlins!

So, now I have proof I am not making this up. My cousin has begun hosting this annual bike ride, which he and his wife have dubbed "ScarAss". This ride has been going on for several years, but had been hosted by someone else, but the amount of people who show up had outgrown the friends property. Turns out my cousin has ALOT of property and now he hosts the event.

This is me mugging it up with my cousin Barry and his lovely wife Susan. They have a fantastically fun relationship and have been together FOREVER! I really enjoy these two and I constantly look forward to hearing from them.

So these next few pictures are pictures of my cousins that were at the ScarAss. The top one is Cousin Barry. Next is Leo with his partner. After that is Veronica (Ronnie) with her partner. And finally Butch and Wilf (might be Wilf, can't remember yikes). Butch is sweet, even though he is older and retired, he still acts like a kid and loves catching "critters" and hunting and traveling to see different family members. Very endearing!

Peach City 1/2 Marathon!

2008-05-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

First, there is no rhyme or reason for the placement of the photos, "blogger" isn't photo friendly in terms of making it easy to put up photos and arrange them with some coherency. I will add captions for all of them so there is a sense of where they are and what's going on.

So, four months of training have come to this. Kas, Ash, and me all signed up for the 1/2 marathon training clinic January 8th, 2008. We did it through Running Room, which is something I recommend to ANYONE no matter what your fitness level is. In fact there are several different programs through the Running Room that one could take, walking, learn to run, 5k, 10k, 1/2 Marathon, and Full Marathon (the one I am doing next).
The training program brought us up gradually to the 21.1 distance we needed to be able to complete. We in fact hit a 22k distance in the program, which was really rewarding because we were told we were only going to run 20km and the extra two was bonus...and when I say bonus, I mean bonus that we learned we could run that far, truthfully no one wants to run that far, just for the hell of it! We trained in ALL conditions but heat (note that is important) we ran in snow, in rain, in wind, over HUGE hills across rivers, on ice and the list goes on!
We managed to make a friend through the running group, her name is Erin. She had previously run a 1/2 before and enjoyed it and wanted to train again. She ended up being an incredibly valuable resource, since she was a huge proponent of eating right and making your own snacks and also very conscious of how training should work!
Eventually, Rob joined in the training...didn't take too much convincing actually! He had previously run the Penticton 1/2, so it was great having his knowledge added to ours!
I completed in 2:44!!! WOOT!! The day was blistering hot! Normally for May long weekend there is rain or at least cooler temperatures, however, on this particular day May 18th, it was 30 degrees in Penticton!! Freakishly hot! And none of us were ready for it. Erin couldn't run for health reasons, which was sad because she had been with us all that time. Rob didn't bring a water belt and had a cold (can we say pure misery?). The aid stations that promised water, sports drink and ice, only had water and sports drink and were space every 3km apart, except for two which were 4km apart. Consider how far apart that is, and how long that would take you to run it...sucks being that long without refreshment TRUST ME! At the turn around point which was at kilometre 13, the aid stations ran out of water...they ran out ALL THE WAY TO THE END!!! 30 degree weather and no water...my water belt got me to the turn around, but I didn't expect to not be able to fill it up with water...I took advantage of the sports drink but it was far from thirst quenching and no matter what sports drink it is, drink too much of it and it will rip up your gut!!
In the end, the moral of the story is that I, and my fellow runners, completed the marathon, we were upright and for the most part we were smiling! CONGRATULATIONS!!! And now on to the pictures!

Ashley is an inspiration. She went from absolutely NO RUNNING, NO EXERCISE to running in January and 1/2 marathon in May! She is most definitely a woman who should never be underestimated...at yet people continue to underestimate her! Their folly!

We both had no previous training, no experience with running long distances and I would add that we were certainly underdogs in many different ways, but we slogged it out and kicked that roads ass!

This is a picture of our group that ran. Me on your left, Ashley, Rob and Kasondra. We are basking in our glory and stories of how gruelling the run had been for all of us!

Ashley bringing it home lady style! Always with a smile that girl...she makes running look fun!

Of course everything is better when it is over! Time for some cold water and some foot massages...sadly only got water!

This is me with Erin, the girl who couldn't run because of health problems. This is the beginning of the race, when I was completely naive about what lay before me. I really had no idea what to look forward to. I don't know Penticton well and definitely couldn't even begin to imagine what the course would be like (nothing like I imagined). I even had myself turned around at this point, since I was convinced that Skaha was where Okanagan lake is...sadly, not the case! Almost cried when I put it together and realized I would have to run across the city before I even saw the lake that I was meant to run beside!!! GUH!

This picture is after I came in and across the line. We were waiting for Ashley and I was babying my poor left foot that had some tendon irritation OUCH!

some more pictures of us after finish.

Kasondra coming to the finish. She is the reason I took up the training in the first place. I think in October she asked me if would like to train with her for the 1/2, to which I responded with laughter, LOTS OF LAUGHTER. You see up to this point I hadn't ever run! Aside from running in highschool, there has never been a desire in me to run. I thought it was boring and cruel punishment. I had up to this point getting up and cycling and working out with weights and losing weight. But I had no inclination to be a runner at any point. She left for Ontario in December and I decided to give it a try to run. I ran for 45minutes straight for my first time and I didn't mind it and I didn't hurt...so I kept it up. I decided to give the training a try and incorporate running a 1/2 marathon in to my goal! WOW, thankyou Kasondra! I discovered I LOVE running and I am going to go even further and try and run a full marathon!!

Okay, these series of photos are very important. The woman running beside me and pretty much in front of me, is the reason why I sprinted over the finish line, rather than doing a nice slow jog that demonstrated how much pain I was in!! She had walked a large part of the last portion of the race and her and I kept playing a game of passing eachother. On the last kilometre I had pulled ahead of her, but she caught up at the half way point to the finish line. She was running beside me for a bit and then she decided to go faster, so I went faster and then she went faster so I went faster and so forth, eventually it got treacherous if my legs could possibly go faster so I had to let her go ahead of me!! GRRR!! NEXT YEAR LADY...NEXT YEAR!!
But really I am grateful to her, I would have totally snailed my way because of the pain I was feeling and she made me push beyond my muscle fatigue and dig in and really have a nice photo finish!

And here is Rob! You wouldn't know that he hadn't trained for more than a month and that he was suffering from a cold and seriously HUGE blisters UNDER his feet?? Oh and possibly dehydration since he didn't run with a water belt! Yeesh! If only I was in that good of physical shape! Seriously the guy is a machine and he has no idea!

here we are, crowded and waiting for the gun to go off and start the journey...I decided to chill myself out and roll back into my head and not think about what was before me, but rather day dream about anything random!

At last! A finish I enjoy! I will never forget this, I will always cherish it and remember it at every finish line I meet!

Arbitrarily devining...

2008-03-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

...sometimes I have echoes of a philosopher dancing around in my membraneous skull...but that's all it is--echoes

I don't know, I just got to thinking, there are these things I am doing, these things I am attached and these words I use to identify and none of them are based on anything more than what my culture has dictated. Then I got to thinking how all of us are linked by the need to breath oxygen, digest food and at some point be part of a community and it's what drives us all, and yet on every piece of land on this globe, we manifest how we do that differently and consequently separate ourselves, based on arbitrary decisions on how best to survive....

And that would probably be why I was cranky pants yesterday, because I sunk into the crevices of my skull, the places where my soft spot fused together and yet leaves room for vulnerability...

Heh, and I haven't done anything creative for a while and I long to...so it eeks out of me, leaky, drip, drip, drip...like chinese water torture, but the release of each drip is so exquisite that I could liken it to one of my best sexual experiences...

I want to write a book...a rumination, a walking through and digestion of experience...I once went to a reading by Robert Kroestche and there was a poem he recited and I can't remember the aim of the poem, but there was a brief line that spoke to me, it was about walking and I started to day dream about how I have to this day, experienced my life on my feet, through my ability to stand and to walk and that some of my best experiences have happened because I walk....

Okay....

Canada's Genocide

2008-02-14T21:17:00.001-08:00

"Unrepentant: Kevin Annett and Canada's Genocide" http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-6637396204037343133&q=unrepentant&total=204&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

This is a documentary ALL Canadians should see! I am often confronted with people who feel like what happened in the past is the past and why are we still paying for it today? However, that position is wrong and uninformed! First off, the blatant disregard and attempts to dismember First Nations people is not something of the past, it is very much part of the Canadian present! What is even worse is we, Canadians, continue to prosper off the continual suffering of First Nations people. And I have heard the typical responses about prominent historians and about how average white men are no more privileged than an Aboriginal man, and I call bullshit! I say get off your apathetic backside white privileged backside, put down the remote control, stop playing the fantasy games and start asking some questions, start reading material from the other side of the argument...what do you have to lose? and how much do you have to gain?
Watch this video, respond if you will, spend some time asking questions.

Ignorance and denial has served Canada well...NO MORE!

A puppets exploration of D(d)eath

2008-02-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

Last night, some friends and I went to the Rotary Arts Centre to see a show titled, "Famous Puppet Death Scenes". I have heard about the show, on CBC, and was intrigued by the possibility that imagination has to roam on such a topic. Puppetry has a long history, globally. There are some accounts that the art form predates actors and goes back as far as 3,000 years! Here is a link to Wikipedia (not the most reliable, but a good place to start) about puppetry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puppet

The performance lasted an hour and was hosted by a puppet named, Nathanial Tweak. I found Nathanial to be the most compelling character of the show, primarily because of his poised words surrounding the concept of death and our (humans) ultimate fear of death. There was a certainty that through Puppet Theatre there would be a cure for the fear of death. Personally, I am not afraid of death...that is not me saying I want to die, I just have finally reconciled that death happens, there is no predicting it, planning for it or denying it, so why not get to the business of living and let death be what it is. I've digressed. Nathanial touched me in a couple of places, one that we all do die and that there is a distinct possibility that our lives could come to an end by the end of the play. The other place that Nathanial went is to the place of Love and the impulse some of us have to state our love for one another, immediately. He was good at positioning this sentiment as not so much a need to love or be loved, but a recognition that our time living is, in fact, short and that length in of itself can't be measured or predicted. I know, for myself, I espouse a continual vocal reinforcement of how important others are in your life, that in the event I do die, none of my friends (or family) will doubt how I feel about them. And he asked to be loved for he was lonely behind the stage. Nathanials quick note of lonlieness intrigued me, because death and being close to death is a lonely place, and isolating space. Perhaps I read too much into his narration and hosting duties, but I found his articulation of death to be superb and to speak to the places where I've experienced death of a loved one and am keenly aware of how suddenly life extinguishes.
The play was certainly entertaining and required a suspension from reality...mostly because you could see the puppeteers and well you're watching puppets die! "...dying for us so we would no longer be afraid of death". For me some scenes were a struggle to understand, either because of a language barrier or complete confusion as to what the scene is trying to impart. Overall though, I understood the stories, enjoyed the creativity and marvelled at the strength of the artform of puppetry. I found myself imagining this ancient art and all the various forms it has taken throughout the centuries and in different countries and cultures. The power of storytelling has always held me captive and the use of art and imagination only furthers the captivation!
There is a website for the company that has created this play: http://theoldtrouts.org/index.html
I recommend reading the "history" component as you will find another reason to be proud of Canada and the increasingly creative population we have in this country. Also check out where they are performing next, hopefully close to you, because the performance is certainly worth the money!
Thankyou to The Old Trouts for imagining, creating and performing!

Miss Champagne Sparkles

2008-02-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of, in some measure, knowing about Miss Champagne Sparkles, here is a picture of her: (I took liberty of taking the picture from her website, so thankyou to her photographer)

In case the face and name intrigue you, here is her website http://www.champagnesparkles.ca/

I had the opportunity to see Miss Sparkles perform at the Habitat back in April of 2007. A friend of mine had seen a poster for a Peep, peep, peep show featuring an opening act of the Kabuki Guns and the main dish being Cheesecake Burlesque Revue (by far the better of the two). So we wrangled up another friend (minus the rope and spurs) and went to the Habitat to see the performance. I had a great time watching the Cheesecake Burlesque Revue and for a moment became inspired to be a burlesque performer...reality is, I have no dancing background and had a significant amount of weight to loss. (not all is lost, I am losing the weight and I am currently in bellydancing classes, who knows? my future is bright). Recently I decided to google my blog to see what kind of hit it would get and both hits were about my review of the evening (not that I am any actual critic or anything, I just wanted to put out there how great it was to have burlesque in Kelowna and how great Cheesecake was--certainly less calories!)
Anyways, Miss Sparkles and M. Colada both responded to my post!!! I was blown away and quite excited! So I felt it was necessary to put it out my love for burlesque and for the ladies who do it so well and to update their information for any one who might be reading. Miss Sparkles, I am watching my comments section now!! *smile*
Anyways, I am not sure about venues...Habitat is a wonderful supporter of such acts as burlesque. I may be a bit tainted on my view of Kelowna (been here too long), but the overall sentiment is very conservative here. Now that the University of British Columbia has moved into town I have high hopes that the Okanagan - Kelowna - will be busted out its shell and desire a more eclectic and electicfying flavour!
My suggestion outside of the Habitat would be the Rotary Arts Centre, there is a lovely stage there and the seating is elevated so everyone can equally see the show...I also feel like the RAC is becoming and is more progressive.
I will spend some more time pondering this, especially if there is hope that the Revue will be back in Kelowna soon! It wouldn't be hard to sell out the show even! (or two? *hopeful smile*)

The Cheesecake Burlesque

2008-02-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

Hmm, I think it would do me some good to back and review some of my older posts and I completely missed the comments that the performers from Cheesecake shared with me. Which is any of you wonderful ladies are reading this now, you're most welcome and I am SO happy you came to Kelowna! And now I wonder if you will be coming again?
I wish Kelowna arts culture supported more performances such as the ones Cheesecake does. Thankfully because of UBC-O, the Rotary Centre for the Arts now has a Distinguished Speakers series, which I believe to be brilliant. The community needs more venues to become informed and educated about their local and global community. And also "famous puppet death scenes" have finally made their way into the valley, after much critical acclaim and press...FINALLY!!
However, I want the burlesque back!
So with that I add the website for the Cheesecake ladies...yes, they are ladies, talented and beautiful marked with a great sense of humour!!!

Check them out: www.cheesecakeburlesque.com
www.champagnesparkles.ca

I would recommend keeping them busy and booking them...certainly worth every single one of your coloured Canadian dollars that is continually above parody these days!

all I have to say....

2008-01-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

...is follow the link and become informed, become educated...ignorance is no longer an option and laziness is reckless disregard!

http://povertyolympics.ca/

http://www.warchild.org/ and http://www.warchild.ca/

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-4321574955310561251&q=god%20delusion&total=808&start=0

begin somewhere, anywhere, begin reading, become informed...all your excuses are just that excuses...

Orphan's Holiday 2007

2007-12-27T15:48:00.001-08:00

So another year and another holiday...this year some of my friends and I decided to have an orphans xmas. It started with Rob asking what I was doing for the season and hatching the idea since neither of us were going anywhere this year to spend xmas together...then Ashley wanted in, which is GREAT and then Rob's old roomie was in town from Mexico and he wondered if he and his current roomie could join and I said SURE!
I got to make tonnes of food. A HUGE roastbeef that I cooked rare and juicy and succulently! Mashed potatoes with fresh garlic, stuffing made from scratch (none of that boxed crap), smashed carrots and squash, gravy made from the drippings of the roast and TONNES of butter tarts! And because the plan was to have many spirits and much merriment everyone was staying overnight, so for breakfast I made two bacon, mushroom, broccoli quiches!
Everyone suffered food hangovers and couldn't stop themselves from eating! It was beautiful! We laughed, we played games, we watched movies and generally goofed around!

For the season, I gave Rob this shirt:

And Ashley is a huge fan of pink and she wanted more comfie gear:

This picture was taken boxing day...we were all a mess, but the boys showed it the most!

These pictures are taken Xmas evening, before I set out dinner to be consumed...happy, happy faces!

I think this event tops the charts and made this particular christmas pleasant and memorable. I had a GREAT time, I met great people and had a great time hanging out with great friends.
Everything was cozy, fun, laidback...there was no back biting, bickering, expectations...simply put it was a group of people that came together happily and shared in food, drink and eachothers company! Certainly made up for past holidays were circumstances weren't so friendly or warm!
I find it refreshing as I make the changes in my life and institute new patterns of behaviour and make conscious decisions about who will be in my life and who won't, that coincidentally my current daily life is blissful and happy making. I am daily grateful for turning thirty and for finally coming into my own skin! I have finally dug out the bar and raised it up out of the ground and put it at a level that more than meets my expectations!

This summer...and now

2007-12-04T15:22:00.001-08:00

This summer was an incredible summer. So much had happened and has carried me through to what can kindly be referred to as winter (what is up with the weather?). I made major transformations physically as well as mentally. During the summer I was practicing to put new patterns into place. I really was attempting to work without training wheels and I have subsequently been successful. I have stepped up to the plate of becoming a healthy person, both mentally and physically. Today, December 4th, I reached a goal that I had set for myself in the late spring. I had set out to do two things, one was to bike to Vernon and back and the other was to lose 50 pounds. I accomplished biking to Vernon, not only once but twice this summer! And I am hoping this coming summer to set another goal...maybe Kamloops? As for the 50 pounds I finally accomplished that goal as well...in fact I have lost 53 pounds. I also gave myself a reward: a massage (which I plan to collect at a later date). I also have another reward, but that one I will keep in my pocket for now *secret smile*
So what to do now? Well, why stop with one or two goals? Why not go for others? So I am. I am going for another 50 pounds. I figure at minimum if I seek to lose 10 pounds every two months, I can lose that 50 pounds by the end of fall next year, if not sooner. I have begun training to run, I am successful at jogging for 45 minutes straight, which tells me running isn't far behind! I am planning on taking belly dancing classes and I have friends who are interested in doing biking trips with me. Ultimately my goal is set to be achieved.
The weight loss has done other things for me, it has allowed me to face the places that have been filled with denial. The only way I can describe what is happening is that as the layers of fat melt away the layers of my onion like denial is also peeling away and exposing truths that I didn't acknowledge previously. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I feel like it is going to get better!
So, just to put a cherry on all this hard work and goal achieving...I have finally settled on the idea of doing a PhD. I have sought out the school I want to go to and also the person who I want to be my supervisor. Lucky for me my current supervisor knows the person I want to work with...and agrees with me that there would be a good relationship with me and this researcher! So now, I am laying down plans on how to achieve getting my PhD, things are ready to be set in stone!
And with all this moving and shaking, sometimes my eyes just do this....

Thanks Belva for catching me in my moment!

Good company and great adventures

2007-11-18T19:25:00.001-08:00

The hiking continues! We haven't been hiking as much, but we are still doing and we have added more people to the adventure! I have to say, my social life has taken quite a dramatic turn in the last few months and I really LOVE the time I am spending with the people in my life!

This picture is the beginning of a hike that we took outside of Peachland...mmm, well above Peachland! Before this photo was taken we had met an elderly man and asked his advice about parking. He was out walking his dog who happily jumped in the car and got Ashley dirty...something which we ALL laughed very hard about. The hike was great, and parts of it decently steep. I am certainly learning how far my body can go and I am greatfull that I have lost the weight I have before going on this hike, otherwise I think I would have been in trouble! There was a part of it that I refused to do and the others went ahead, while I re-walked the trail to keep up my momentum!

After the hike, we went for breakfast at IHOP. Because Kaz hasn't eaten at some of the franchises that are liberally spread throughout BC, we have been sampling different breakfast restaurants...this particular morning it was IHOP. Ashley ordered two breakfasts, of which she is still bugged about today! She's a trooper that girl and she makes me laugh! Towards the end Rob and Aaron happily snuggled into eachother. In fact I think they built quite a significant relationship in a short time...very touching indeed *wink*. No really, I think Rob and Aaron have the ability to get along with just about anyone, which makes them a perfect fit for being my friends!
I have been having a spectacular time lately...and meeting truly quality people, which is nice to meet so many of them in a short time frame. I think it has a lot to do with my new perspective on life, or more specifically my desire to be part of the living world. So in a sense I am bringing these people to me and I am also more tuned to finding them.
I also recently finished my interviews and now I am into the writing phase of my thesis, I am close to the end and it feels good and it feels scary! With the end I have also come to discover the desire to do my PhD! So much so that I have figured out where I am doing my PhD and who will be my supervisor! All of which is VERY exciting! I never thought I could go this far, or come this far and still have the momentum and will to go further. And the greatest part of this leg of my journey is that I am surrounded by warm and loving people who are as interested in my success as they are in theirs and I am in theirs! I would venture to call them "family" and often do think of them is those terms!

The first Dinner Club for Dorks

2007-10-21T12:10:00.001-07:00

Well, it is official now. A small group of my friends have finally managed to make the dinner club happen. Rob initially came up with the idea in the summer to have a dinner club, much like a book club, but instead we share food and conversation! Brilliant idea and like every idea planning and implementing are necessary. Who knew those components would take so long?
The participants of the dinner club are all university based...it wasn't planned that way, since we all know people who are not academically linked in our worlds. However, for the purpose of numbers and ease everyone is from UBCO. In total the number is six, although the first one only had five. The number is relevant in terms of size of home of the person who is hosting and also number of items brought to the potluck meal. Turns out five courses is more than enough, in fact may be too much. Since all of us were full before the second entree was even served!
This dinner was hosted by Kaz and I and had a "spooky" theme...oh yah, all the dinners are themed. So everyone had to make items that are spooky...and let's keep in mind that imagination is a necessary part of the meal. Kaz decorated the place with hallowe'en paraphernalia, which ultimately rocked! And we also purchased pumpkins for everyone to carve...we didn't tell them they would be carving we just asked that they bring knives. The evening was full of laughter and great stories. Rob gave a speech filled with thankful and grateful sentiments.
Next dinner is next month and so far the theme is local food purchased and grown in BC. We also be investigating how we came to be eating the foods and develop questions to pose to the other participants of the dinner...a means of getting to know eachother and also become more aware of how we are involved in food production. So, when you think "Dinner Club for Dorks", it is because we are all interested in learning and expanding our knowledge on topics that may seem mundane to others.

Here is some pictures from the evening:

We are all ready to eat...Mark is busy getting the salad ready, we already ate the nachos.

Mark spookiness came in the form of a skull...we joked about whose skull that could have been! Former student perhaps? *wink*

Our dinner had rolls and wine and butter and voila pepper! It looked so European, with the exception of the Bostons glass.

Kaz is sharing with Mark a story about a bag of poo and a one night stand that ended with embarrassment.

And let the pumpkin carving games begin!

Ashley loved the core ball and attempted to be able to balance on it...she needed training wheels though.

I had shown Ashley an ab exercise with the core ball, which the boys than decided they wanted to be able to do. So Rob goes first and does fairly well...

Mark decides rather than work his abs he will just have a nice leisurely stretch...smart man!

MMM, Rob made a chocolate mousse pie from scratch...to accompany he made wildberry icecream and raspberry coulee and whip cream...YUMMMEEEEE...love a man who can make a decadent dessert *wink*

Off to the observatory!

2007-09-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

I guess it's early? Hhehee it is nine in the morning and time for us to make off to Penticton for an open house at the observatory there! I know this picture conveys the excitement we feel about the coming day (sarcasm). Really, Rob just wasn't ready for me...sorry Rob!

Rob is trying to tell Kaz about a drive he took that was scenic.

This is Gerry, the car. There is a story about how the car was named and if you are interested I am happy to share.

We have now arrived at the observatory where we were greated with the vision of several large satellites.

The observatory requires cars to park 60 metres away. The walk isn't ardous AT ALL, but they provided a narrow paved space for both pedestrians and cars to share...not something that goes over well for impatient drivers.

Ashley, Rob, Kaz and I all tried to get pictures of all four, however, all of our cameras could get three people and the fourth....obviously they have the other pictures that match this one.

Ashely was concerned about her closed eyes in our "group" photo and stated she didn't want her photo taken, which gave me the idea to take her photo!

Rob is incredibly patient and willing to be subjected to whatever a friend asks! I asked to stamp his face and he let me stamp both of his cheeks. He walked around the observatory like that the whole time...I was impressed with his self-confidence to not be bothered about doing something fun!

Another activity that is good for my health

2007-09-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have been fairly busy lately. My ethics proposal has been approved and I am working with my community partner to get my interviews started. I am also busily procrastinating on a directed readings course (I plan on tomorrow catching up! ...no really I will!). There has been major changes in my household not only furniture, but people as well! And I have to say I am liking it so far!
Lately I have begun to feel like I belong, like I have family, like I have home. So part of that feeling has encouraged me to take in more of the community I live in, so with my volunteer work I have added on local hiking with my friend Rob! We take off for five hours or so and find a trail and hike...it's great!
So here are some pictures!

We began with a hike to Paul's Tomb, and this is the view of the bridge (old and new) as well as some wood in the water *hehehe*

I am always impressed with how resilient the natural environment is! This tree is deciduous and growing out of a cliff face! LOVE IT!

Of course Rob and I have to mug it up for the camera!

and I gotta mug it up too!! I am having LOTS of fun with the new camera (new to me!) and I am feeling artistic! In fact I have gotten some pictures that I may have blown up and mounted! MORE ART FOR ME!

Another hike (more of a walk) was in Mission Creek Greenway...so happens that the salmon are beginning to spawn. We intend on going back quickly to see them before our next hike. Right now there is only a few of them. Spawn fish, spawn! *smile*

Of course we have to mug it up again! Woot for beautiful mugs like ours!

And here is my artistic attempt that I think I may have blown up and hung on one of my walls! I like overhanging trees and curving paths! Seems metaphorical to me! Hmm, too many drugs in my younger days? Nah!

It has been awhile, I continue to remain

2007-08-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have been working really hard lately. Getting my head on straight, gathering up my life and finding out what is important to me. I have found my strengthes and the places where I need to become stronger. I also have returned to my friends and to my heart.

I have been on a great ride. I feel that turning 30 is the best life progression ever! I will give into the reality that turning 30 and being incredibly happy about it couldn't have been done if I didn't take charge of my life. I know that some could argue that I have been in charge of my life since conception, how otherwise could I have made it this far? However, I haven't been. I have been waiting on others, waiting for approval, following footsteps that weren't carved by me and as much as I abhor guilt, I allowed it to rule me, even in my twenties! I have had been privileged to learn some incredibly valuable lessons in my life and more recently I have learned how important I am...something I didn't quite understand until now.
So what have I done with all of this? I have mended me, and one of the ways of mending is getting healthy. I have been eating differently (vastly differently). I have chosen meals that I know I can maintain for the rest of my life and even enhance as more choices open up! I am lucky that there is a great farmers market in Kelowna and that Quality Greens has great variety in fresh produce!
I have also added regular exercise to my daily routine, with the goal to make long distance bike rides in the valley...a goal I have reached and I may be able to maintain!
So where has this gotten me? I have lost a total of 31 pounds and plan to lose approximately another 20. I feel that will bring my overall health to a place where I will be comfortable and also affirmed that finally acknowledging that I am putting myself and my health first!
With that said, here are some pictures from my most recent biking adventure. There are more, but these are the ones that I found to be the most 'eye-appeasing'. Great memories and great goals to inspire myself with!

Oh Africa, your beautiful children who we don't hear cry!

2007-07-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have finished watching a documentary called "Invisible Children". I find myself once again in that place where I know I live luxuriously in a country and on a continent that shields me from such violence, heartbreak and knowledge.
I have had the opportunity early in my academic career to be exposed to Apartheid history and literature. I swiftly became entranced by what I was learning and disenchanted with my own country. I often have mixed feelings about being North American, about being Canadian. The definitions that are widely accepted, adopted and celebrated don't seem to fit with me, or I should say they don't sit easily with me. Especially when I am confronted daily with domestic scenes of violence, discrimination and exclusion. In addition, I am now exposed to another body of violence, discrimination and exclusion in another country, and my country's leaders know about this, my country's media knows about this and yet the civilians are largely oblivious! I also know that my government has in several different ways condoned and participated in South Africa's Apartheid, and I can from there make the leap to believing that the whole of Africa has in some way been victimized by my country, even if it is with our silence.
I recently checked out job postings and volunteer efforts for Africa. I don't know if I have a strong enough character to go, but I feel I want to. What do I do though when I am there? I truly hope that eventually in my life I will see Africa, and I hope that however I arrive there I will make use of my time and my body to be of some kind of assistance.
For now, I continue to live in Canada, enjoy the freedom of learning, living and expression.
If anyone is interested here is the link to the documentary I just watched http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=3166797753930210643&q=invisible+children&total=998&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
The show is just under an hour long, it is inspiring and heartbreaking.
I also know there is a place to legitimately donate and also by passing along the message and the documentary we all are in some way bringing attention to a very quiet atrocity!

I am thirty and thrilled!

2007-06-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

Finally! I had reached a point in my life where I am happy to celebrate a birthday, and how wonderful that it is was my thirtieth!?!? And everyone was amazing and I had the best time of my life...so here is the evidence of my bliss!
The speech:
"Welcome to my 30th birthday celebration and thank you for coming and sharing this evening with me!
Some of you have known me for years and some have only known me for months. I have never enjoyed birthday gatherings. As some of you know birthdays for me have been a struggle. However this celebration is different. This birthday is a milestone that marks more than an age for me. All of you present know that this last year of my twenties has been momentous because I committed to furthering my academic pursuits and I have also struggled with personal problems.
I have been able to rise to the top and discover a strong community, which is strongly represented here tonight. Everyone who has been invited has had a part in helping me grow, achieve and overcome my past struggles. For the first time in my life I want to celebrate, and as much as it is about turning 30 it is more about you, my friends, who are sharing this day with me.
I am keenly aware of the strength of community. In fact it is my lament that the sense of community is often overtaken by the popular mantra of individualism. In my life I have been raised by community, nurtured by community, taught by community and come to learn the meaning of family through community. And because of community I have more than hope, I have knowledge that my thirties and my life will be rich and purposeful!
Every single one of you here tonight, is a facet of me and thank you very much for being in my life and being my community!"

One goal, NEXT!!

2007-06-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

I had made biking to Vernon by the end of summer my goal. That was two months ago, and finally I actualized my goal...well within ten kilometres. I made it to the Kal look out just before the Okanagan Kal Campus.

I thought I had the best plan. Wake up at 4:30am, make salad, pack nuts, fill all water carrying containers, have a glass of soy milk. And really, it wasn't a bad plan, I even added stopping at Winfield to buy Gatorade (just for you Belva) and some protein bars and three extra waters. I was rocking up the free world! (okay, 'free' is used rather loosely here, since there is no such thing)

I was nervous about the stretch between Winfield and Oyama, the shoulder is narrow and as I found out at 6am the semi's really ZOOM by all willy nilly! I wish someone could have taken a picture everytime one flew by me on that stretch, my face went wide and I let out a *whoop* of exhilaration and excitement that the driver saw me and didn't hit me!!
Note to anyone who wants to do this, early morning is great because it is much cooler and there are fewer cars on the highway...however what is out in abudance is little fricking gnats (may be some other kind of bug, but I am not a bug person) SWARMS of them and you do not see them until they are splatting on your face and one bugger got in my throat! While I appreciated the protien boost, I did not appreciate the next five kilometres of choking!! And there was nowhere to stop cause the buggers were EVERYWHERE!!

On the way to Vernon I reached Klub Kalmalka, a campground, and I felt then I had gone too far and needed to turn back, but I could see the hill that meant Vernon was just on the other side and I kept pushing! I barely made it to the lookout, but it certainly was worth it, sadly I was too dazed to really appreciate the view. A serving of salad and a energy bar and two bottles of water later and the life was back into my brain and my body! I turned back and went to Kelowna! Six hours later, three stops, and five butt breaks (the butt needed them, trust me!) and I returned safely home and slightly sunburned, but nothing too serious! The picture of me below does NOT show how red faced I am, or how wobbly my legs are...but I am beaming and ready for whatever else this day wants to bring me!

Farmer's Market Adventure!

2007-05-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am fairly sure by now all the people who read this know how much love I have the Farmer's Market. I am fairly infectious with my enthusiasm, and have managed to convince a small handful of people to go and see what I am talking about. Of course for some it didn't take so well, but then for others they have found the same love of the event as I have. Again, these events aren't for everyone. I am not really sure what kind of person really would be perfectly suited and identifiable as a Farmer's Market enthusiast. I want to say it is someone who loves the feeling of community and connection...but I may be excluding or generalizing.

One of my favourite pleasures (not even guilty either) is to show up before the market opens and watch as the tents set up and the food and crafts are pulled out. You can hear the people yelling and talking and bustling, and the traffic is slowly waking up, the birds can still be heard, the sun is rising! (not today though, no sun for me!)
I can sit there for an hour and just take it in, I become so relaxed and peaceful.

Of course early mornings aren't easy to negotiate. Especially the kind of mornings I have been practicing. However, I had convinced a friend that the market was a wonder to behold and he wanted to come and he came! He met me just in time for the place to open up and start business. Here is Rob before he normally wakes up in the morning! Look at that champ!

And for posterity sake I figured I should add a picture to show I didn't pick some random off the street to pretend to be my friend. Both of us have the "it's early morning and we need hats and sunglasses for this! My hat is a helmet, really would have accentuated the already large head I possess!

No Oyama this time

2007-05-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

In my defence I was going to bike to Oyama, but then I emerged from the back road, got onto the highway, biked a couple kilometres and saw no hope of getting a bike lane back and the cars were not kind to me on the highway, so I turned back...I chickened out and I am sorry, but I don't think roadkill looks good on me. Next time I will hit bottomwood lake road and attempt Oyama that way. I also kept track of km's again and I got 31km in this time (my backside thinks it may have been forty possibly fifty, but the odometer doesn't agree!

I did get a picture of myself though *smile* well my shadow, and of course some more noxious scenery shots. But I won't bore you with scenery!

And the cherry on my day is my sadistic love of washing my cat...too bad she wasn't into it!

It's all about the km's

2007-05-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

Finally I brought my thinking cap with me, it fit snugly under my helmet! I turned on my odometer and watched the kilometres rise as I biked to Winfield and back this morning. Turns out I am biking a total of 26kms roundtrip...which for me and my physical condition I think is pretty stupendous.
I would like to note that while I have shaved fifteen minutes off my ride, the reduction in time does not reduce the numbness in my backside by the time I make it home...so an hour and forty five minutes is the limit my backside can take for one sitting and that is to the point of losing ALL feeling!
Sorry about the picture, I haven't brought the camera with me because there are SO MANY pictures I could take and that would screw up my challenge. I promise though when I head for Oyama I will bring the camera and see what visual treasures I can procure!

The Smell of Spring

2007-05-12T13:01:00.000-07:00

There is one particular smell that I associate with Spring, it's lilacs. All my life I have been surrounded by lilacs, they grow like weeds here in the Okanagan and any neighbourhood has at least one or two lilac trees if not thirty. I have two trees outside of my home, and their branches hang right over my kitchen window. Lately the days have been warm and sunny with a faint breeze allowing the smell of the lilacs to be released and blow into my kitchen and subsequently my home. I had to take pictures and if I may so they turned out well...if you have a scratch and sniff screen go ahead give it a rub, they smell GREAT!

To Winfield and back!!

2007-05-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

I began my journey at 6:30am. Mostly because I was taking the back road to Winfield which does not have a bike path so I wanted to ensure my safty as much as possible. The morning was gorgeous, full bodied sun, dew lifting and sprinklers nourishing the fields.

Okay, I started from my home and this section of road is close to where I live but not that close. Something I learned when I took this picture is to check the temperature before starting to bike. Primarily because I had to crest a hill to get to this point and it was only 1 degree out, my lungs burst and hurt from the cold air, something for which I will pay for, for the whole ride and the rest of the day I am sure! In any event the beginning looks promising!

I knew I should have taken the picture of where the bike lane ends because right behind it was a speed sign for minimum of 60km...both I found particularly funny since going up the hill I was doing 11km an hour and was dreading the reality of missing that precious bike lane...it basically meant there was no turning back, I was commited! (or should have been committed?)In any event I made it to Lake Country and I wish I could have gotten a better picture of the road included because what you don't see is the wonderous and glorious sight that gave my heart wings...downhill all the way baby!!!

I am now at my halfway point. It is clear to me that I can bike to Winfield and I am not sure how clear it is to me that I could make it back. However I am taking the highway back with a beautiful WIDE bikelane and NO POTHOLES!

I am back in Kelowna and the journey doesn't seem nearly as hard as I thought it may have been...although I am realizing at this point that it is getting close to eight in the morning which means getting to Winfield knocked the stuffing out of me!

When I walk home from the campus, this is the sight at the back of the campus that greets me daily. It is that space that only bikers and pedestrains seem to know about. I find this funny since it is only a step away from the campus and yet I am always asked about the back road into Glenmore...really just go look for yourself. Although I apologize in July and August for how barren and dead it looks, all the water dries and up and everything gets crispy...and if you are actually in it, it is terribly stinky! However right now it is beautiful and full of life and promise...the promise that I am home soon!

And finally I am home, gasping and grasping and mildly moaning. My knees are in protest right now, but the rest of my body is GREAT! I know I can do this AGAIN!

Hey Todd, give me a shout. I know we were talking about making this jaunt together. I suspect you are in better shape than me and will go much FASTER. I am going to go a couple more times for Winfield and then I am going to take a stab at Oyama...anytime you want to do the ride with me give me a shout!

And finally I want to thank Kelly, because without her generousity I would not have bogged you down with all of these pictures. I am now the proud owner of a digital camera and I hope from it will come many more mundane chronicles of my mundane adventures!

Sometimes it is TOO much

2007-04-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

I love hats. A huge fan of hats. I personally think that there is no such thing as too many hats. That is why I own two hats and NEVER wear them, except on days when I don't want to wash my hair, which is rare!

However, as responsibilities go, I have so many different hats (aka responsibilities) that I wear, I am quickly running out of closet space! Now the reason for the burgeoning flow of 'hats' in my life is, I say "yes" WAY too easily, and I have an appetite for knowledge that is difficult to satiate. I REALLY DO WANT TO KNOW...even if it is tedious and repititious I want to know how to do it and I like being responsible for it. I am fairly sure I can liken my brand of 'hats' to an addiction. I currently have more jobs than a person really needs in this world or should be able to do really, and the cherry on that pile is I really need to focus on my studies...which at this point I seem to manage checking in on my studies like one checks to see if their babies are sleeping okay. Oh the day I look in and see that my studies are screaming for a diaper change! And I am sure that day is coming.

Luckily my supervisor has noticed the plethora of 'hats' I don, while sitting in one place and has requested a meeting to talk about roles and responsibilities. Basically he is forcing me to go into the room with my babies and start being a proper parent to what should be my primary concern. (I know I am REALLY metaphor happy right now, but honestly that is because I am ALSO creatively writing for submission too! yet another hat!)

So do you love hats as well? Literally or figuratively? And how many do you have literally or figuratively?

The literal hats I like are the knitted ones...I don't know what it is with me lately, but I am really digging handcrafted items! I think I am going rustic or something...hope that isn't contagious?

Falling Asleep on the Job

2007-04-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have been caught again! Sleeping on the job...

No not really, but I feel like I have been running a guantlet of work, which is slowly slowing down. I FINALLY finished my research proposal, which was the Ogre from hell, but I slaughtered it and punted it out the door.

Now, I have the craziness of catching up on the other jobs I hold on this campus. Really, that baby has the right idea! Although, is it child abuse if the baby was holding a beer in her hand?

Grindhouse is a good brew!

2007-04-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why Grindhouse is not doing well in the theatres. The show is impeccable! The comedy and imagination that both Rodriguez and Tarentino express in the double feature is undeniable. Granted the trailers really didn't set me up for what I was about to experience, but I don't think I have laughed so hard and been so grossed out at the same time!! Both features were distinct and focused on the necessary parts of the storyline!
So if you haven't seen it yet, GO! (It isn't PG so if you like PG movies, don't go). And if you can't make it to the theatre, skip renting it and just BUY the DVD! I know I will!

Foiled again!

2007-04-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

Here it is, my nemesis:

The photocopier and I have had a torrid relationship, filled with long hours of standing, overexposure to a brainsucking green light, and a 'start' button that needs more than a PUSH!
I thought perhaps I would have a sabbatical from the photocopier...seeing that my position is "research beast" for a well-meaning PhD (Yay me!). So the sabbatical had come in the form of the universitities effort to track which account the PhD's are photocopying for. This means they need an employee number and pin. More to the point this means I have NIETHER and thus unable to photocopy. After a few seconds of deep and complicated sorrow, I did a very modest jump for joy (sarcasm). I foolishly informed the wellmeaning PhD of the change in protocol. To which he stormed down to Tech service and promptly got me swipe cards for all the accounts I would be photocopying for. Damnit...I mean YAY, the day is saved. So I toddle down to the second floor with my shiny cards in hand and piles of books in the other...to find the door locked and note asking that the door remain locked at all times and people with a key can get in. I am not one of the key holders, and the hope of a break from the photocopier was emerging...and I AGAIN foolishly told the wellmeaning PhD about why I couldn't photocopy. Ha, I need to learn to not be honest...keep the trap shut! He secured access to a key for me!

So today, I spent an exhorbitant amount of time in front of the heated, greenlighted, finicky start button photocopier, catching up on ALL the photocopying that had been delayed by the universities desire to clamp down on access! I need to remember sunglasses next time!

Burlesque you say?

2007-04-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

Friday April 6th the adventure began. Three brave souls marched out into the dangerous...oh wait wrong story! Here we go right one: So a fellow student saw and advertisement for a Burlesque show here in K-town and she hinted around about me joining her...I finally caved and we also recruited another grad student to go with us.

I will preface this with I am very happy Burlesque came to the valley and I hope similar shows make continual arrivals on the performance landscape.
The show was held at the Habitat which I am told was created so that whatever event could be held there...not sure of the whole intent although I suspect it is an attempt to give more 'meat' to the cultural vibe of K-town...which I support any effort that focuses on diversity and punching up the level of colour in the town and valley!
The show was sold out and me and my colleagues showed up just in time as there was only five tickets left...YEAH!!! We found seats (that were incredibly painful and unforgiving to my well padded backside...I can still feel the pain!).
Two different sets of performers were scheduled: Kabuki Guns (opening act) and Cheesecake Burlesque Review (second act).

Kabuki had an emcee that admittedly was new and ultimately she was HORRIBLE!! She encouraged the crowd to buy her drinks in the hope that she would improve as an emcee and even as she poured shots down her throat she still managed to stumble over which routine was coming up and names!! Which was matched by poorly practiced routines and ladies who were barely even going through the motions of burlesque. Thankfully I had Rob and Tena to share in the mocking of the whole act...it was disappointing as I had a fairly good idea of burlesque and I also have a WELL GROUNDED sense of performance and these ladies totally ruined the experience and had no respect for the art form they were representing! Although, there was one lady who I got the sense was aiming to do her best but it was hard to give her credence when her fellow performers left such a bad taste in my mouth...
The saving grace was that Kabuki was the opening act (unfortunately the opening soured the experience). The Cheesecake Burlesque Review was great! Granted they admitted they were still perfecting their routines but their emcee was beautifully articulate, clear and well organized! The performers believed in what they were doing and really gave it what they could! Very beautiful ladies honouring a style of performance that has a long history!

The audience was a split of the typical drunken bravado males and the conservative watching for watching sake. Which for me was disappointing as well as I really think the audience makes up the other part of a performance. Aside from the performers themselves no one really costumed for the occassion and drunken men aside the audience remained fairly reserved, still and only engaged at appropriate times ie clapping at the end and beginning of the performances.
However, I will remain firm in being thankful that the show came and I hope many more will arrive on the performance scene!

http://www.capitalcitycheesecake.com/ I would book them in a heartbeat!!

Little Girls and the Labrynth...

2007-04-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Here is the trouble I get into while walking...I begin remembering! Well worse than that, my MP3 player gets time to reel around to songs I usually don't hear. Today, it was David Bowie "Power of the Babe". Which got me remembering to the time when I learned about sexy...now, at the time I knew what it meant, but I didn't KNOW what it meant.
Here is where the Labrynth comes in...yes, I am sorry to shatter all my "cool" allusions any of you may have had, but David Bowie in big hair and tights made my knees go weak. I have even purchased the movie and have watched it recently and the guy is still sexy to me!

Which gets me to thinking, what about David outside of the cheesy 80's film and in 2007? Yes, he is still sexy!!!

Now if you will excuse me I must go watch the Labrynth....and Sam if you are out there somewhere, thankyou for confirming that David is sexy, and more to the point that even hetero men find David sexy too!

Opportunity for a sitcom?

2007-03-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have to share this because well it was one of those funny moments...

So went into Sport Check to look for a mouth guard...specifically a moldable hockey mouth guard. I am already intimidated being in there and beginning to think I went in the wrong store because all I see is clothing and shoes, no accessories. Hockey is shoved in the back, next to the six employees who are wandering around, drooling on themselves and occassionally chucking a ball around.

I slowly walk around the hockey section, very slowly, hoping I can add the sense that I need help...no such luck. I do find the mouthgaurds...a whole shelf full and I am fairly sure the variety of mouthguards is fully unneccessary, but there they were on a shelf that came up to my shoulders and was two of me in length and fully dedicated to mouth guards...colours, shapes, brands, straps, strapless, shockwave, sound effect...oh the list goes on...so naturally I stand there and gape.
Two young fellows are meandering in another aisle, clearly dressed as employees and even more distinctly doing everything possible to be un-employee like...not that I blame them, but I am confronted with a plethora and assortment of an item I can't even begin to comprehend in my imagination forget that I am actually standing in front of it...

Okay here comes the moment...so I call them over "I need help"
"Okay"
"I need a mouth guard, but I don't know which one to get"
"What are you using it for?"
Oh and this is my moment of glory..."To guard my mouth"
Yep, this is where I go with that question...and I meant it, wasn't even being sarcastic, although in my head I was thinking *what the heck do you think I am using it for...toilet cleaning??"
Of course the kid corrected his line of questioning and asked what activity was I needing a mouth guard for...
"I grind my teeth and need to stop"

$3.53 later and two smart ass employees and one beligerant customer and I now have a device that is suppose to reduce my dental bill....

I have a sinus communication

2007-02-23T14:28:00.000-08:00

(This isn't my mouth, my tooth had to be sawed in half, then broken, then twisted out....the result is a sinus communication in my case, WHICH my doctor didn't advise me about AT ALL)

Sinus exposure and oral-antral communication: This can occur when extracting upper molars (and in some patients, upper premolars). The maxillary sinus sits right above the roots of maxillary molars and premolars. There is a bony floor of the sinus dividing the tooth socket from the sinus itself. This bone can range from thick to thin from tooth to tooth from patient to patient. In some cases it is absent and the root is in fact in the sinus. At other times, this bone may be removed with the tooth, or may be perforated during surgical extractions. The doctor typically mentions this risk to patients, based on evaluation of radiographs showing the relationship of the tooth to the sinus. It is important to note that the sinus cavity is lined with a membrane called the Sniderian membrane, which may or may not be perforated. If this membrane is exposed after an extraction, but remains intact, a "sinus exposed" has occurred. If the membrane is perforated, however, it is a "sinus communication". These two conditions are treated differently. In the event of a sinus communication, the dentist may decide to let it heal on its own or may need to surgically obtain primary closure--depending on the size of the exposure as well as the likelihood of the patient to heal. In both cases, a resorbable material called "gelfoam" is typically placed in the extraction site to promote clotting and serve as a framework for granulation tissue to accumulate. Patients are typically provided with prescriptions for antibiotics that cover sinus bacterial flora, decongestants, as well as careful instructions to follow during the healing period.

I am learning, and so are you....

2007-02-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

What is Shingles?

Shingles (herpes zoster) is an outbreak of rash or blisters on the skin that is caused by the same virus that causes chickenpox — the varicella-zoster virus. The first sign of shingles is often burning or tingling pain, or sometimes numbness or itch, in one particular location on only one side of the body. After several days or a week, a rash of fluid-filled blisters, similar to chickenpox, appears in one area on one side of the body. Shingles pain can be mild or intense. Some people have mostly itching; some feel pain from the gentlest touch or breeze. The most common location for shingles is a band, called a dermatome, spanning one side of the trunk around the waistline. Anyone who has had chickenpox is at risk for shingles. Scientists think that in the original battle with the varicella-zoster virus, some of the virus particles leave the skin blisters and move into the nervous system. When the varicella-zoster virus reactivates, the virus moves back down the long nerve fibers that extend from the sensory cell bodies to the skin. The viruses multiply, the tell-tale rash erupts, and the person now has shingles.

Is there any treatment?
The severity and duration of an attack of shingles can be significantly reduced by immediate treatment with antiviral drugs, which include acyclovir, valcyclovir, or famcyclovir. Antiviral drugs may also help stave off the painful after-effects of shingles known as postherpetic neuralgia. Other treatments for postherpetic neuralgia include steroids, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, and topical agents.
In 2006, the Food and Drug Administration approved a VZV vaccine (Zostavax) for use in people 60 and older who have had chickenpox. When the vaccine becomes more widely available, many older adults will for the first time have a means of preventing shingles. Researchers found that giving older adults the vaccine reduced the expected number of later cases of shingles by half. And in people who still got the disease despite immunization, the severity and complications of shingles were dramatically reduced. The shingles vaccine is only a preventive therapy and is not a treatment for those who already have shingles or postherpetic neuralgia.

What is the prognosis?
For most healthy people, the lesions heal, the pain subsides within 3 to 5 weeks, and the blisters leave no scars. However, shingles is a serious threat in immunosuppressed individuals — for example, those with HIV infection or who are receiving cancer treatments that can weaken their immune systems. People who receive organ transplants are also vulnerable to shingles because they are given drugs that suppress the immune system.
A person with a shingles rash can pass the virus to someone, usually a child, who has never had chickenpox, but the child will develop chickenpox, not shingles. A person with chickenpox cannot communicate shingles to someone else. Shingles comes from the virus hiding inside the person's body, not from an outside source.

A moment without context

2007-02-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

I like to flit about the internet. Check out several news sites, pop culture sites, blog sites...whatever strikes me at the moment. The thing I indulge in is sites that have "pictures of the day/week".

The picture of this child playing chess really got me. At first I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of a young face looking so completely stressed, but suddenly I was confronted with a familiarity with his expression. Oh god here she goes again! The plate is piled high my friends and the meatballs are wobbling...this little guy playing and strategizing chess shows an emotion that I feel particularly close to in my own experience. I think I could make the allusion to academia and everyday life being much like the game of chess....it is all in the moves you make. One false move and checkmate! I have learned in the last couple of weeks that in the realm of academia there are certain egos and personalities that require stroking and adherence to their whims. I of course struggle with this mostly because this kind of environment is completely unknown to me, put me in an environment with people who are working poor, who have addictions, who are undereducated and I flourish, I understand, I navigate...the people on the hill though, I am constantly confused, frustrated and stunted. And the levels of bureacracy that exists in such a small space blows my mind and yet gives me insight into why the government never seems to get anything right or is able to communicate in a timely fashion.

So, the kid agonizing over his next move and his face contorts to reflect this...that is the inner me everyday I wake up...lately.

Now, I am still flipping through the pictures and I come across a fashion show. A particular angle of fashion where all the cameras are clustered together and focussed on the women who is wearing who ever's latest fashion. I know that Spain has made a vocal committment to not allowing anymore starved models to strut their run ways...but I wonder how feasible that is, especially when it is more than designers, producers and sponsors that are focussed on fashion runways. All those cameras, all those eyes, multiplied by readership...that kind of pressure is unavoidable.

Although I do like the framing of the picture that picks up on the crazy making of so many cameras to capture one superfluous moment.

But now I am moving on to yet another picture which ultimately breaks my heart...a child holding a gun...a girl child. So I am guilty of being privileged enough to be raised in a culture that believes and supports 'childhood' and that also here in Canada we are relatively untouched by the kind of violence that is witnessed in other countries. Of course I am still tied to those notions that women are nurturers and not warriors...on the domestic front women are warriors, but on the battle field I envision we are peacemakers. Of course I fight against all my cultural values and tried to shed the pregivens and taked for granted notions of gender and age...but I still react to the picture of an girl holding a toy gun in protest...how long before that gun becomes real?

Of course I also have to acknowledge the lack of deep context that a picture affords the viewer. This particular scene and the above scenes are selected to evoke a response and also as part of a selling feature...I know these moments are being exocitised as the other...a way to position myself against something and my values against, with very little information or insight to what is really going.

Profound Curiousity

2007-02-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

What is your story? I am fairly sure I don't like that line, because all of a sudden I feel like I have to perform. I clearly remember the last person who asked me that question and the one and only time I asked what would you like to hear?
The truth of that event is that the truth wasn't being sought, just a facet, something colourful and strange.
The response was that the person felt that by asking a person to talk about themselves one can find out a lot by what is said. How can I argue with that? I am a person who listens so intently to what people aren't saying. Constantly I am weeding out truth's and non-truths.
How did I respond? I stammered, I stuttered, I blushed, I wrung my hands, I nervously laughed and admitted that without direction I didn't know what to say. At first I thought that indicated I was an empty person, lacking any personality, of course that was a fleeting moment of self-doubt.
The moment happened almost four years ago, maybe five, and yet the moment continues to linger in the recesses of my memory. The truth of the moment, the reality of the process I put others through, constantly asking questions, seeking stories of others, and all the time I am filled with enthusiasm and anticipation of what I am about to hear and what I have heard...even what you call mundane is exciting to me!! I love stories, I love hearing personalities and exploring identities.
Me, when I am telling, I accept I need direction, what do you want to know? Not everyone shares my enthusiasm for the long meandering tales and well, I have stories that for some are best left unheard. I guess that would be the indicator of who I am, I need a point of reference and from there I can march to whatever tune is necessary to complete the objective.
I am a story writer, not teller.

Dream Diary?

2007-01-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

I always dreamt that I would keep a dream diary. I know I dream, and I often I don't remember the dream unless I consciously fight for it...or the other alternative is my dream comes true and I realize in the moment that I dreamt what is actually happening before me (whole other story).

Anyways, last night I had a dream and I remember waking up at 3:01am and promptly deciding I needed to remember this dream. I am going to use names without reference to who they are...if you are in my life you may know, and if you aren't well just enjoy a snippet of a story ...or not.

Initially it began with Meghan hanging out with me. I knew she had decided to let her other committments go so she could hang out with me. I also could feel a sense of her father, and that he would be disproving (in real life he wouldn't and she wouldn't). Anyways, she repeats the behaviour of hanging out with me and cutting class, of which I question her, but let it drop because I enjoy her company. Finally her father calls me and yells and yells at me, that I am a bad influence, that Meghan shouldn't be missing classes and that he never wants her to hang out with me again. Of course I am distraught, but it is time for the dream to progress...the scene shifts where I end up in a hall, perhaps attached to rec centre or events place. It is dinner, buffet style? perhaps, in any event lots of tables, long, covered with white linen and people eating dinner...I know my table is long, maybe 20-30 people at it...near where I sit, is Sylvie, Cam, and Meghan, also my mother and someone else is there, which I know is important but slips me at the moment, someone affiliated with my mother. The dinner is tense because Cam is still angry that Meghan is spending time with me, and now he has to sit at the same table as me. Sylvie is trying to placate and assure everyone that this is nothing to get worked up about. Somewhere in the midst of all the tension on one side of me, the whole dining area breaks out into prayer...I hear a voice on the PA system ask everyone to open their bibles to a particular psalm and begin the hymms. Immediately I know I am not having any part of this and I can't believe people have brought me to a dinner that is actually a mass prayer God worship situation. I had the sense that everyone is trying to convert me, and that they refuse to accept that I can't be converted. So I immediately excuse myself from the table, which turns out is a huge NO NO...people do not get up...almost like sacrilege. My act of getting up from the table, my act of moving during prayer indicates that I am not in line with God (interesting how that worked in a dream). My mother immediately begins wailing "no sheila, come back, please, please pray" and she is wailing and screaming, but my only instinct and desire is to flee the room. Which I do successfully, but I am still filled with anxiety that she will try and come and find me once the prayer session is over, so instead of heading to the lobby, I duck into another room in the events place. I like this place. It is filled with a variety of clothing and cloths and innovative creations that are wearable and full of BRIGHT colours and flowers and leathers, almost hippy-esque. I touch the cloths and wonder how I can get them for myself even though I have no money. Other people are in there admiring the racks upon racks of clothing...and the clothing is hanging from the cieling, so you are immersed fully, and can't see the other aisles, it is just you and the bright colours and fabrics. I love it and feel safe and the thought that I will be found is almost gone...

Then I wake up.

A slow day in the posting world

2007-01-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

I guess I should count myself lucky I don't have a readership, otherwise I would get complaints about why I am not posting as frequently as I once did.
Do you ever get the feeling like you are saying the same thing over and over again? I do. And really how much can one take of the same song? Scratch that...I know of songs I can listen to over and over again...and no I am not talking about Crimson and Clover!!!
Lately, the road of life and academia has felt utterly hectic and overwhelming! So as indicated I am in the last semester of course work, which is liberating and confining all at once!
I have a research proposal and an ethics proposal I want to work on and complete. I also have a housing course with the most task driven professor I have ever met in my life and by the end of his course I will have written a sum total of 65 pages...and that's just what is asked from the syllabus, who knows what else he will ask for!!! So I am expecting for this semester to write close to if not above a 100 pages grand total....that addition makes me want to nap. And then there is my other problem, I see the mountain of work I have to do, and suddenly a nap seems like a great idea and there I am napping!! I think I am one of the most well rested graduate students ever to exist!!! I can't stop sleeping!!! And I am not joking, I am addicted to sleep...I sleep whenever I can for as long as I can!! At some point a person can't be tired, but somehow I manage it...miraculous...no.
Although, my research question has drummed itself out, my research methodology has drummed itself out...and everything is progressing along in a very timely fashion.
But then I watch CHBC news...with a small amount of glee to see Sean Harvey get jailed and wish that we could jail Prez Bush and few other politicians, but okay Sean can be my frustration goat! Weirdly, murders and round-abouts are the run of the mill in local news....the top end of the news is completely benign and filled with stories about construction and roads and then voila we move onto Rhonda Black and another fellow murderer whose name escapes me right now...and I begin to wonder when Court TV will begin to feature the Okanagan the crime hotspot with lots of roundabouts??!!!???
And this is what you are left with a pile of nothing. Absolutely no entertainment that I can provide you...and just the satisfaction that a year from now I will look back over this post and realize how simpy and wimpy my life is as a researcher!

Return of the Semester

2007-01-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

Well, it is time for yet another semester to begin. January 8th and the following week will result in the usual line-ups and mixed feelings about tuition, bus passes, text purchases and syllabi's. I went into the bookstore today to purchase the one and only text I will need "Readme First". It was a very reluctant purchase as my funds were lacking and I was just as content to photocopy, unfortunately the text has a CD-ROM which turns out to be integral to the course and my ability to do research. I stood before the books and gazed at some of the courses and their required readings...I had mixed feelings because there was plenty of material that looked VERY interesting to me and yet I was glad that I am no longer an undergraduate who has to slog through 8 to 12 books in a semester. Don't get me wrong the Master's program is not a reading dream come true, in fact there might be more reading, but one doesn't notice so much because a large portion of the reading centres on personal interests. I made the right decision. So, hopefully funds will get easier and I can make the return to the bookstore and buy the books students didn't for my own personal enjoyment...I am that much of a dork.

On that note, I also came to the campus early...January 2nd early. Granted my work requires me to show up a little earlier, but the other reason is that I enjoy the quiet campus. Just me and the staff. No noisy students cluttering and littering hallways, no cramped busses, no messy bathrooms, and unfettered librarians...truly a beautiful thing. My goal this summer is to bring my rollerblades and skate the hallways...that is how empty the campus is!!

This is the semester where my research question is expected to cement itself, where my methodology and method will be clarified and I will write for the ethics board...this seems all so sureal and yet I know this means I am that much closer to being done my Masters!! Gosh!

Hooray for 2007! Welcome back everyone!

Lazy holidays in the hills

2006-12-28T08:48:00.000-08:00

So I am housesitting in Oyama, which would be fine but D isn't with me, therefore I am not putting my full heart into this. The view is exquisite, overlooking two looks and a vineyard in the middle of winter...I feel like I am in one of Bob's paintings, with happy little trees and swishing lakes, etc...

I brought work with me, thinking I would do some of it, since I am essentially stuck here, no car and no way of driving said car. In addition, it snowed heavily the last two days, and even four wheel drives are having issues getting out here, I am truly stuck!! So, one would think I would have time to give to work...ha! I think I developed a serious aversion to it, I am hedging I won't do any of it, because really I have been a good dutiful student and assistant up to this point and I need a break...there I said it. I am taking a break.

The holidays were nice and warm. I got a HUGE crockpot...which I wanted. I really wanted a crockpot so bad for years and years and I finally have one..I really hope it doesn't sit on my counter dormant..it is kinda big and since I only cook for two people I am not sure what will happen. I know I don't have to fill the thing up, but I do...I am sure I must have some ethnic background in me that believes in large amounts of food must be cooked or the world will cease to exist as we know it!! Too bad my freezer wasn't bigger, because I would be down with making a few different things, packaging it up and freezing it for school or work...would make my life that much easier.

I also got the most exquisite one-on-one time with D. He really puts alone time onto another level where we get to be silent, giggly, chatty and happy all at once...I wonder if he knows that I like listening to his voice through his chest.

Okay, now that I have shared, and it was all boring except to me...of I go to do more of NOTHING...ah so NICE!!!

Love you all!

My part

2006-12-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Christmas is definitely barrelling down on most of the world's population. The presence of it can be certainly felt here in the Okanagan. Although, I wouldn't call the presence a pleasant one. All I see right now is A LOT of purchasing, scrambling for the right gift, everyone trying to one up the other person. Don't get me wrong, I love gifts, it is so fun to open up a gift and see what the person who gave it to you, thinks of you. Of course I am into the psychology of it all.

This year is also a little more different me. For a long time now, I have been wanting to volunteer, especially with soup kitchens or charity kitchens, I finally got my opportunity and with an organization that I can feel good about helping with. The Ki-Low-Na Friendship Society is an extremely busy place. The programs that run out this place, that assist people in the community with needs, is plentiful. In fact they are so busy that it is often difficult to actually meet with anyone. One has to be prepared to head down there and say "I can help".

I just finished with the Childrens Christmas, which was not much of an eye-opener, although it did clarify some really huge stereotypes I am often confronted with. The aboriginal children were beautiful, hair combed, dresses and pants ironed and clean, always ready with a please and thankyou and stayed close to their parents. The white children didn't fair so well...there was one young boy where my heart went out to him, but I also got a glimpse of a future serial killer...the child scared me and his parents weren't even with him, instead two very disinterested young women accompanied him.

I got to help with making paper bag riendeers...turned out to be not the best idea because there was ALOT of intricate cutting that needed to be done and the kids only had 25mins at each craft table...some tears, some frustration, some complaints and two very frazzled volunteers who could only do what they could do after six hours and over a 150 children. It was great though, for the most part the children were happy to be creative and see Santa, and the parents did their best to help and join in the experience.

This coming weekend I get to be part of "Feed the People". Basically tables are set up and people can come off of the street between 10-3 and get a plate of food. The fare will be traditional christmas trimmings and turkey and potatoes and the whole lot. I think this one will break my heart and give me hope at the same time. The volunteers and the staff are 100% committed to helping in any way they can and my last couple of ventures out volunteering with them has really given me warmth and happiness...also it has saddened me as I hear about the numbers of donations going down, but the number of people in need going up. The people at Ki-Low-Na Friendship Society take in and help whomever they can, with whatever they have and I wonder if more can't be done. Kelowna is a HUGE community with a lot of people who have money, resources and time...but only a fraction of them are seen on Leon...a small fraction.

And again I go back to my research, the need for my kind of research, and hopefully what I am doing will produce something that can be forward looking...and if not, I will be produced and I will continue and maybe with my infectious personality I can start swaying the tide!

Dream big my friends, DREAM BIG!

Right to Adequate Houses

2006-12-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.chbc.com/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=13538 This link is very important. Especially to me, because it speaks to why my interests and research is so very important. The Okanagan is a lovely place, it is picturesque and mildly seasonal. However, like most communities across the country and around the world the Okanagan has its fair share of social 'problems'.
I remember reading recently that the government felt that poverty was way to expensive to fix. I wouldn't argue with that if I was approaching poverty the same way the government does. Certainly, it is expensive, and so were the ways that most of our people became homeless..."just a paycheque away".
Bruce Porter has written an article in 2004, where he makes a really good argument for the ammendment to the Charter, where housing would be included. This is an idea I support 100%, if not more. I mentioned this idea to a colleague and he responded with, "what do you do if they wreck their home?". I blinked at him and thought about the other freedoms we have under the Charter...speech...religion....and we abuse those and somehow the public finds ways to put people in thier place for that abuse. But what struck me even harder is how willing people are ready to jump to an excuse or reason why the solution to the 'problem' is problematic. Which, when I think on ALL the literature I have read, is why we may have such an exacerbated 'problem' now. Along the line, our country has had a large amount of people who are community minded come up with incredibly viable solutions that will, not only help those who are need, but create a stronger sense of community. Yet, these people have been quashed by excuses and reasons.
I recognize the resistance comes from a history where our country has been moving into the idea "every person for himself", the woman somehow is implied in there. I would argue the individual idea went REALLY wrong. All these countries wanting Independence, and from that hard desire to be an independent nation, inspired an even harder desire to be independent as people. FLAWED.
So, I am in a class with a woman from Ghanna. She is flabbergasted that there is a need for my kind of research. In her country, homelessness doesn't manifest in the same way as it does here, why? Because of aunts, uncles, moms, dads, close friends, bosses....the way she talks about her country is that there is a strong support network within the communities and if the families have to relocate (which says is rare) then the place they are going to usually has a connection for them so that they aren't on the street.
I know have a couple of friends who have first hand experienced the wealth of community. I have even tasted that sweet nectar myself. So I know that when they read this, they will understand what I am talking about. But what about the 30 million people who make up Canada? Do they know what they are missing? And if they did would they be willing to work toward creating a community in their communities??
Here is where the idea of community becomes incredibly fantastic...if we built a community that actually lived by the mandate of what community means, it means there would be no more soup kitchens, no more homeless shelters, no more overcrowded jails, LESSENED crime, lessened occurances of drug addictions, depreciated amounts of poverty and the list goes on...
I am optimistic...maybe not in my life time, but I know it can happen.
And here is the kicker, it would cost the government less money to facilitate a community, to create housing as a right, than it would to solve poverty on the whole...and then maybe shelters wouldn't have to turn away over a hundred women and children during the winter, and maybe men's shelters wouldn't have to create safe places for women to sleep...and just maybe we could put more attention into an issue that we couldn't see because we were being too busy being independent.

Identity, Membership and Affordable housing

2006-12-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I just finished 18 pages of typing about discourse in policy research discussions around affordable housing. And I can safely say I am pissed off...not about the amount of pages I had to write (although that could be the fuel), but about how policy makers make really grand assumptions and EVEN WORSE how that is played out in the local environment.
I actually read a paper that said homeownership produced better and more stable citizens!!! The author of the painfull piece of marginalizing crap actually generated numbers (which he kept saying he didn't have actual stats and still managed to come up with numbers) on how children from rental situations are more likely to be criminal offenders!!
And while this paper was the most blatant piece of writing I had ever seen, the other policy discussions weren't that far behind in their marginalizing discussions about affordable rental housing.
While reading the papers I thought of my own situation. I have never been a homeowner, I have never lived in a home that was owned by my family. I have, all my life, been part of the low-income rental scene. I began to reflect on the ways people talk to me when the find out I am a renter. Always, the discussion comes up about ownership, investment, long term....I generally sit and listen and take it in...but now, after reading a plethora of identity papers around housing and how people in poverty situations become marginalized by notions about home and housing...well now my ears are sensitive. Yes, I am a renter. As a renter, I still pay taxes, I still have to work long hours, I do not wreck property that isn't mine and if I do, I offer to fix it, I have never been charged or sent to jail, while I have dabbled in drug abuse it has never been anything but recreational, and while I may move from place to place, I am a stable person. Yes, I am paying someone else's mortgage, but why should I be persecuted and judged for helping someone else out? (okay I know that is flawed, but work with me)...I am not saying homeowndership is a bad thing (it is freaking expensive and means ALOT of responsibility, which I think I have enough of right now), but neither is being a renter.
So, I follow Bruce Porter, a fellow who adamantly asserts that the Charter needs to be ammended to include housing as a right!! Just like freedom of speech or freedom of religion, everyone in Canada should have the right to a home that is safe, warm and adequate to their needs. Then everyone can back off about why I don't own a home, and my identity can be less about being a renter and more about being ME!!

Poor Vancouver, and coast

2006-11-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

I guess November was unwilling to go unnoticed, so right at the end of the month British Columbia became the target for memory of the month. Especially Vancouver. Vancouver was pummeled just over a week ago with rain storms which effectively wreacked havoc on the water systems and also added the pain of power outages and wrecked property. So, for a week the soggy, drenched Vancouver and coast was placed in a boil water advisory and the shelves where bottled water once sat now lay bare. However, November wasn't happy with this...nope, the punch needed to be harder, so lets drop the temperature and slap some snow down on the poor coast.
Now I have heard a lot of people say that people in Vancouver don't know how to cope with the snow, they become idiots and drive like grannies...I think this is being fairly harsh on a population that rarely has to experience freezing temperatures and frequent snow falls. The city doesn't budget for snow clearance, the drivers aren't thinking winter tires or safety measures that we in the north take for granted. Add on to the fact that the coast has already had a miserable week of water issues, now it's cold, no power, no safe water and compounded by a homeless population that has no resource.
So 90, 0000 people with no power beginning Monday, and now 14, 000 in Victoria and no power and another storm coming.
I don't have much of a point other than let's go easy on Vancouver and the coast, they are getting their teeth kicked in right now.

Month of Jaidan

2006-11-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

I continually have new places that I find in my grief. Overall, I think I am fairly quiet about my grieving and how extensive my pain and sense of loss is. I remember when someone at one of my old jobs lost his grandmother. For several months afterwards he was very vocal about his pain, and the staff increasingly became unsympathetic towards him and began suggesting that his grieving time should end. I remember that reaction and often find myself censuring myself when in public, or ever personal situations. I don't want people to groan inwardly when I mention the pain of losing my brother and that even two years later I find I am profoundly affected and disabled by my grief.
What is worse is that it is November, and Jaidan passed away in November...my body remembers the smells, sights, the feeling of the cold, everything that embodies November feels as though it is now part of my DNA...I can't go anywhere without feeling the heaviness of this month.
I would hope as the years pass perhaps this too shall pass, however, if it doesn't I don't think I should feel bad about it. Jaidan is my brother, he is a foundation in which part of who I am rests firmly with. His death had many repercussions on my present situation, as well as, past and future.
So this is the Month of Jaidan...perhaps even the season as I can't even imagine another Christmas without him and yet I have to. I don't think that I will be increasing my vocalization about my grief, but I will work on not feeling shame for for feeling sad. I also hope that I will be a source of solace for those who lost someone dear and near and feel isolated by those who don't know or don't understand what that means and how long that kind of pain lasts and manifests.

Here is to one day waking up!

Congratulations America!

2006-11-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

Democrats got to have a comeback in the States. Can I say that Bush did it to himself? Err, ya, big ol' presidentio Bush basically opened the door for the Democrats to come in and muddy the waters.
I have doubts about how much this new event will change the situation in the Middle East...the damage is more than definitely done. I know, if the tables were reversed and it was Canada that has been consistently bombed and occupied, well, my memory is long and my willingness to not forget and to move to action is very close to me. So, even if the midterm elections is a glimmer of hope that the Republican regime is on the way out...the damage is done...
Okay, and moving on. So, Saddam Hussien is sentenced to death by hanging. Automatically, his case goes to appeals court...if the verdict is upheld, they have thirty days in which to hang the fellow. I have had my ear glued to the news, especially the responses in the Arab world. I can't argue with either side, the Suni's or the Shiite's...both have very valid reasons as to why or why not Saddam should be hung/hanged (bad grammar, sorry).

I have to say I am happy to hear that the
Here is my thing...and I know the reality but a girl can dream right? Will Bush ever go on trial for his crimes?? Okay, reality says that unless he sticks a cigar up an interns rear, he will never have to go before a judge ...yes I am being glib, but that seems to be pretty much the truth of it. Sure, Viatnamese President gets world condemnation and sanctions for testing a nuclear bomb and Prez Bush gets the democrats. I know I see the uneveness of this...
For those three or four people who may or may not read my rambles...got anything you want to add? Got milk?
Oh, uhm, speaking of advertising, the United Church got a ten million dollar boost to start up a provocative advertising campaign. The reason this "provocative" campaign has started is because the Church noticed that the 30-45 age group was missing from the Church scene. They feel that this age group isn't looking to the Church for spirituality because they don't know the Church can offer that...thus the campaign. One ad, shows a picture of Jesus in the mall during Christmas, instead of Santa and the caption asks would you still take your children?...anyways, I wanted to find a picture sadly I cant'. BOO hiss me...go ahead comment away!!

Oops did I scare you?

2006-10-30T08:42:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow evening is Hallowe'en, and I will be in my joyous creative workshop!! Sadly, yet another year where I will forgo my Hallowe'en joys. Every year I would dress up, somehow I would put something together from my wardrobe and then I would plaster my face with gobs of make-up and then spend the day wandering around with an itchy face and unable to scratch it because it would ruin my make-up. Truly sounds annoying but I had fun with it. I also love seeing what other people come up with. While I do enjoy that I have a great imagination other people are fare more inventive than I am, and that is FANTASTIC.
So, last year I gave up on the idea of a party or the bar because well it was Monday and I am a stickler for making sure that I get a good nights sleep for classes. This year, it is a Tuesday and I am seriously lacking funds...no costume, no party...BOOO...But that is okay, because the spirit is still alive in me. And well Dylan brought home a pumpkin for us to carve...I do love that man and the way he indulges my creative lusts.
But as I sit her typing this blog I am caught by the news report on CBC which just makes my heart sink. HALLOWE'EN is BAD! Well okay they didn't say that on CBC, but they may as well have! Crime is on the rise, obesity is on the rise, violence against children is on the rise...blah blah blah. Suck the fun out of a very communal activity.
Think about it...when do we get to go door to door and knock on people's doors and have them open the door with a smile and give us something?? Seriously, the stores stock up with candy and we buy it...and then give it away. My sense it is the last community building activity thing that we do in our culture. Not even on Christmas do total strangers get this close to giving and opening up their doors. True, some may argue yes we do on Christmas...but I think Hallowe'en could give Christmas a run for it's money.
But, the news in it's ever present ability to instill fear in our hearts that the world is coming to an end is also slowly chipping away at the joy of Hallowe'en.
I will now and forever and have, stand by the fact that the news is the demise of the world. Ever since we went global with media, humans the world over have become fearful creatures....really though, in North America especially, the amount of violence that is reported compared to amount of kind acts that go unnoticed, is way out of proportion but we only hear about the bad.
I remember reading that we live in the most peaceful time ever in history....although I sense there are people who would read this and immediately knee jerk into a desire to refute that assertion. Why? Why is it so hard to believe that we are safer than we ever have been?
And while we live in fear that the world is getting worse and that we have no desire to bring more children into a world that is going to hell in a handbasket, we forget we live in a community and that we are capable of being active in that community...the community that exists beyond our mom, dad, sister and partner...the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Not because violence is increasing, but because fear of our next door neighbour is at an all time high!! We care more about ourselves than we do about anyone else...
DAMMIT, fight the fear and celebrate HALLOWE'EN!!! and if your kid is FAT, make him/her jog to each door and ration out the candy...DO NOT BLAME OBESITY ON HALLOWE'EN...

OMG where did she go?

2006-10-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hello my devoted fan base...all three of you...sometimes four! Okay, so I disappeared off the blogspot for some time and I am sorry for that. I know my information and discussion is very exciting.
So what happened to me anyways? Well...expectations happened to me. The expectation that I am expected to be a social being, an academic being, a renter, and an employee...all of my hats collided and squished me the last couple of weeks. I have picked up a new job, and it was created by a necessity for someone else to get their work done. Of course my work is great and does have some abstract relation to my studies...however, because of someone else's deadline, I had to run quickly and learn FAST! Add that to my reading for my complex mind numbing courses...and the continual fret that I will never get to my assignments...and well the lack of public transit that functions and administration that is more bent on being an obstacle than a facilitator (WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GETTING PAID? more than me FUCKERS) ... uhm, ya that is my feeling on the current administration!

So, something I noticed and desired to get back to was excercising. I don't bike anymore because my day requires me to smell nice and carry certain items that don't travel well by bike. I have lamented the loss of biking and told myself I would get a gym pass...soon...well, the reality of making it to the gym in terms of all my other commitments really didn't make itself a goal that is attainable...well it is but at the expense of my mental well being...and I am stressed enough. So here is the new thing...getting up in the morning and keeping myself attached to my exercise ball for an hour...or running on the spot. Hopefully that will produce results that will provide the universe with a more balanced me.
I am frazzled. Razzled, and not at all dazzled.
But on the positive note I am trying to enter a piece of fiction into the CBC literary awards...I don't expect to win, what I do expect is that by entering I will legitimate in my own mind that I am a writer. Finally I am a writer!

More on Housing...

2006-10-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

So, for the last couple of days, World Report on CBC has been feeding fuel to my fire about housing in Canada. Currently, the government is about to release a new social housing initiative. I am still waiting for the release at the moment. But so far the gist of what I understand is that the government plans on subsidizing rent for low income people...15thousand people is the number I heard.

While I feel it is great that the help is coming I also feel it is misplaced and once again another demonstration of an ineffective government. The problem, the much larger problem, is the lack of available affordable housing. Currently, housing starts for rental units are declining, especially in BC becuase it is a sales market right now and developers can make quick money at making houses than at rental units. Rental units have never been a money maker and usually the government has to subsidize developers to even get rental units made, started, whatever you want to call it.

So, here the government has graciously decided that they will help people who are spending large amounts of their income on housing. Great, but what about those who have no housing...perhaps, which is true in a lot of cases they have paying jobs, but no housing.

Yesterday and housing advocate and centre coordinater for a homeless shelter in Calgary sent out 500 emails to other housing shelters, stating that people who want to come to Calgary in search of work should be discouraged because there is no housing. None. There are people who are working but are living in cars, tents, or in shelters with no near solution of housing. Winter is coming...I bet you the death toll will rise.

I find it funny that citizens are doing what the government is steering them do, support themselves...and yet the government is also making it impossible for the citizens to be successful. Okay, piles of work, but no homes...we don't need a crystal ball to forsee this outcome.

I certainly do not advocate this neo-liberalist point of view, every person for themselves. I do not enjoy that I am part of a capitalistic system that has no care for a sense of community. Currently the way the income assistance and employment programs are set up by the government operate is to facilitate those who already have the means. So, tell me how far you can go on 575/mos. 325 is meant for rent? Workers are now only reachable by phone, and you aren't assigned a worker, so you will always have a different one and have to establish a new relationship. You have to have an address for at least three months to recieve any assistance. So if you are homeless and decide this is crap but you need a place to start...well, you don't have an address, so no help for you. Same goes for people who want off assistance but can't find fulltime work or still need subsidizing. The government has removed the ability to make anything over 200 dollars...if you have external income of over 200 dollars you don't get assistance!

Part of me believes of pull yourself up by the bootstraps...however, the culture does not generate a healthy atmosphere for a large number of people to do so.

And the sense that middle class people can turn their eyes from what is happening and focus on what fabric they will get to cover their couch, appalls me. 38% of people who were homeless in Kelowna in 2005 reported that they lost their homes while employed!! Simply being hard working and motivated does not automatically mean one is removed from ever ending up on the street, especially in the current political capitalistic neo liberalist atmosphere!!

I could go on about those who are on the street now, and mental illness and drug abuse...but I will sum it up as a product of this massive emphasis on the individual instead of the community.

Right now, housing needs to be generated...we have to start somewhere. Housing is a right, should be right, I hope someday will be a right. It definitely won't solve all the problems, but I feel it would be a step in the right direction.

Oh find me a home...

2006-09-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

THOMAS ROSE: ANALYSIS
Should having a home be a human right?
September 22, 2006
Let's face it. The homeless are not an attractive people. It is hard to be around them. They can look frightening, they can smell bad, and they most often want something from you. They make us uncomfortable, fearful and, yes, guilty.

Why don't they just all go away? But where?

In the past, some cities have tried to encourage the homeless to move on, even offering to pay their transportation and put a few dollars in their pockets. But that doesn't solve the problem, it only shuffles it about. And with signs suggesting the number of homeless will grow, cities everywhere are grappling with what to do with them.

Montreal recently banned overnight stays in public squares. Penalties include hefty fines and even jail.

Victoria has a similar bylaw, prohibiting the erection of any shelter in a public place as well as sleeping overnight in downtown parks.

Housing advocates say criminalizing the homeless this way is a disturbing and perhaps immoral trend. Rather than penalizing the homeless, they argue, homelessness itself should be declared illegal, and having shelter should be elevated to a basic human right, alongside freedom of religion and the right to vote.

The notion that having a home is a right is gaining some currency around the globe, not to mention in the corners of some of the most frigid cities in Canada. The right to housing is already included in several legally binding international documents.

The Vancouver Declaration on Human Settlements, for example, sets out the obligations of governments to provide adequate housing for all. The UN's Habitat Agenda and Plan of Action created a global action plan that confirmed the legal status of the human right to adequate housing. And the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, a treaty which Canada has ratified, obliges all states to "recognize the right of everyone to an adequate standard of living, including adequate food, clothing and housing."

Many of these agreements are designed to deal largely with Third World problems that, according to the UN, have left upwards of 100 million people without adequate shelter. But in the context of a developed country such as Canada, the question has to be asked: How far do these rights go?

A new footing

One clue might be found in a ruling last spring by the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in Los Angeles. The court ruled 2-1 that L.A. cannot arrest people for sleeping or even sitting on public sidewalks at certain times of the day because that would be tantamount to "cruel and unusual punishment," which is banned by the U.S. Constitution.

That ruling would appear to put the legal status of basic shelter on an entirely new footing — from the lofty rhetoric of international agreements to the determined reality of constitutional law.

For L.A., and presumably other American cities, it also meant the courts were telling city officials that if they wanted to remove the indigent from the streets then they had to provide the means to accommodate them.

Homeless advocates in B.C. are now before the courts there making a similar argument and are hoping for a similar ruling. Seeking to turn the tables on those who would ban the homeless from sleeping in public places, these advocates argue that the bylaws enacted by the City of Victoria violate the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

So long as there is a greater number of homeless than the number of beds available in shelters, the reasoning goes, sleeping restrictions in public places should not be placed on the homeless.

This is a familiar argument to the people of Scotland. After a flurry of similar court challenges throughout the 1980s, during a recession and period of record homelessness, the Scottish Parliament passed legislation declaring all levels of government were obliged to provide housing to all citizens.

Recent amendments have upgraded that legislation so that city councils are now obliged to provide permanent accommodation to anyone officially assessed as homeless. As a result, tens of thousands have been given shelter, tens of thousands more are on waiting lists and yet as recently as this spring, homeless advocates in Scotland declared it isn't enough.

In the end, perhaps, the fact of shelter as a human need may not mean that governments must provide each one of their citizens with land, four walls and a roof. But recent developments suggest that the status quo is no longer enough.

Throwing stones

2006-09-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

Broken Glass

Once upon a time, that’s the way I remember him.

Once upon a time, he and I lived in a glass shoe. And this glass shoe was neatly placed in the centre of a green field in the centre of a small village in the centre of a vast forest. And we were the centres of each other’s world. He played with transformers and I played with hot wheels. We spoke in small sentences, such as “I like this” or “lets play in the heel.”

Once upon a time, he was a boy and I was a girl, that’s the way we remember ourselves.

Once upon a time his hair was red and ine was blond. Everyone in the small village in the vast forest had black hair. They played with paper, tools and building blocks. They spoke in long sentences with large words. Such as “After long consideration and an introspective look we are content to obviate from the cultural inconsistencies.”

Once upon a time, we were young and our memory was here and now.

Once upon a time, he and I could no longer find joy in our transformers and hot wheels. We wanted our red and blond hair to darken and deepen. We found our short sentences lacking, all because there was a crack in our shoe and the long dark sentences had seeped through disturbing our sleep. Their words from the small village burnt our grassy field and soot covered our glass shoe.

Once upon a time, he and I were friends. We saw our similarities not our differences.

Once upon time, we left our glass shoe. We sought new shelter within the small village in the vast forest. In our short sentences we asked, “Please, share with us.” They pulled at our hair, examined our toys, and took pictures of us, standing next to the heel of our glass shoe now covered in soot in the centre of the burnt grass field.

Once upon a time, he and I thought we were okay. We fit with each other.

Once upon a time, they changed our clothing, took away our toys, cut our hair and extended our sentences. They wanted us to use their paper and tools and building blocks. They wanted us to walk in straight lines, and live in row houses made from wood and plastic. They gave us names, Fred and Mary. They gave us birth dates, watches, calendars and schedules. They laughed at our offerings of shells and grass.

Once upon a time, he found joy in our toys, in our appearance, in our language, in our similarities. That’s the way I remember him.

Traces...

2006-09-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Our routine has become so normal. Five in the morning, hit snooze button, eight minutes extra of sleep until I roll over and say, “time to wake up”. I never thought I could get used to making coffee before daylight, but I have. It’s our routine that we share and repeat five days a week, like directions on a shampoo bottle.
He leaves early on these mornings, six o’clock, for work. That is when the suite becomes mine. After he leaves, is when the life begins in the house, long after the coffee is brewed and the lunches are packed. He never sees what I see; centipedes crawling out onto the carpet. I tell him about them, he figures they are fictions. Again, this morning the centipedes emerge after he leaves. Shiny hard brown bodies, soft legs, the same soft legs moving like a Viking ships oars in the water heading into battle. This morning the centipede wasn’t ready for battle instead the lengthy insect was attempting to escape the floodwaters of last nights plumbing drama.
This is where the story really begins, at the point of discovery of a small wet spot outside of our bathroom door. I didn’t want to think about the wet spot. I wanted to linger on how he traced “I love you” on my back and waited for me to notice his code. I made him wait. I always make him wait. I wanted to linger on his silent evocations of love. But there was a wet spot on my floor. Both he and I turned to the cat in our minds; the cat was the most likely suspect.
Certainly she wasn’t innocent she often found ways to annoy us, force us to clean her mess, be it fur, dead animals she had convinced herself she killed and the occasional well-matted fur ball left in the right spot for us to step on
Certainly, this wet spot on my carpet was the work of her evil machinations to dominate our household and eventually the world. I put my nose down to the wet spot, hoping to find her innocent but afraid I might get my nose too close to something very unpleasant. No odor…nothing. She was absolved in my mind, but not his. He kept insisting she was the culprit, and I almost gave in until the turned to the bathroom door and noticed in the corner more wet carpet—she certainly had no part in more wet carpet. I flung open the closet door to reveal two water tanks; one for upstairs one for downstairs. I revealed a wet floor. He came barging through, male intensity and a desire to ascertain and fix the situation. This time the situation would not be fixed with male bravado, not even a well-placed phone call to the plumber would slow the amount of water issuing forth from the pipes.
At this moment, I wished I could go back to when he traced “I love you” on my back and hold time right there, far away from the water.

Red Nails

2006-09-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

As promised, creative inspirations will ensue here. I am nervous to put this on the blog, not because I am afraid of people and their criticism...cause I know what I can do and can't do, but I am freaked out someone will find my stuff, and pass it off as their own, which would break my heart. Although, I think to myself it will be a really small world that reads my blog and anything I put on here will be rough draft, no where near the final product so here I go with gustooooooo....

"Always, her painted red fingernails haunt me. They haunt me because I haven’t buried her like she buried me. The point of origin is my memory of her digging in the earth; using these glossy red nails, fake nails, to get in and under the moist dirt. She was compulsive about burying anything she had to explain. I remember a picture, a photograph, it must have been a birthday, because someone captured her image bowed over a blue balloon, and there in the centre were the red fingernails. There isn’t a single photograph or childhood memory without those fingernails always pointing, grasping, clawing raking over every truth and covering every child she had. Now as I am older, unearthed I find myself standing in the beauty section of drugstores, in front of the display for fake nails. Her brand is there. I finger the boxes, wondering if after 45 minutes of inspecting labels I will purchase her nails for myself."

When the pipe breaks the water will flow, grasshopper

2006-09-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

Well, when you notice a wet spot on your floor, sometimes it doesn't pay to investigate where it is coming from...Why I do, I don't know!

So, outside my bathroom, was an odd singular wet spot. It was there all day and had gotten slightly worse by the end of the evening. So I alerted Dylan to the situation, we both couldn't figure it out, but then I noticed weird coloring near the water heater closet and felt the ground around there and sure enough it was damp as well. So we opened the water heater closet and Dylan noticed the top of one them was leaking. He touched it...just touched it, nothing else...and well from there is the point where the pipe burst and we began the process of bailing water and trying to call anyone who would help us solve the issue of water that wouldn't stop running.

Essentially from what we can figure at this point, is that the minerals in our water corroded the connection from the water to the hot water tank...so what Dylan touched was the last remaning vestiges keeping the water from flowing copiously out and into our home. So for the next 45mins we rotated bucket...three, at an alarming rate, so much so my back hurts and Dylan is pooched. No plumber would come and we had to call the city to shut of the water main...this means the WHOLE house has NO running water...none, nada, nil. And really, I knew it would be a struggle to not have water, considering I am a water hog, just in my drinking style, forget my cleaning needs...but the kicker was, oh and it hurts to say this even now, the kicker and true kick in the teeth was when I realized at 5am we would not being having any coffee...NO COFFEE...WAH WAH WAH WAH...

Of course once you wake up and your body starts functioning there are other issues surrounding water needs. Uhm and I am an avid hand washer...no water...this is 3rd world living, and I am a first world girl...PLUMBING is my SAFETY network...without running water, I am lost, feeble, and weak.

Okay, so a bit of the dramatic, although it sure puts everything in perspective, the luxury I have and have had.

And it came to life...

2006-09-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Okay school is back in session. And I hate it. I was loving this campus during the summer. Empty hallways, empty classrooms...now, all I have is empty heads. AND LOTS OF THEM...crowding the hallway, making line-ups I have to stand in for three hours, messing up the bathroom, yelling in the hallways...THEY"RE BACK! And I want to send them back to wherever they came from!
Yes, Scrooge of Academia I am!

I dare you

2006-08-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

I challenge you...
I push you...
go forward, find those letters at the end of the page, fill those spaces with ink...
I dare you to wrap your arms around your dreams...
go the length, and search out the depth of your ability...
I am not part of the no where people, I haven't slipped between the cracks,
I refuse to grind against the membranes...
I will not be shaped and moulded by anyone but myself...
I dare you trace the edges of your pity and see where your inspirations come from
I am the dreamer, the constant dreamer
the vigilant dreamer

Crisis elevated

2006-08-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

Paranoid these days? Feeling symptoms that any moment the government will discover that your chapstick has been used to enable a terrorist plot? Are you constantly plagued with images of smoking buildings, viruses and the potential threat of an apocalypse?
YOU, YOU are not alone! There are millions of people like you, billions in fact who are also feeling the pressure of current world events.
So, what sparks this particular rant? V for Vendetta the movie.
My brother had the graphic novel and I have inherited it and tucked it away in my closet...I always told myself I would read it someday. The importance of me reading them is the novel was on of the latest things my brother picked up on, so I wanted and still want to feel his presence before he died. Surprising that not long after a movie comes out, and I know he would have LOVED it!!
It is a good movie and I fully recommend it. How do you know if it is a movie for you? Did you enjoy the Matrix? Did you read 1984 or the Handmaids Tale and enjoy it? If so, then V for Vendetta is for you! Now normally when comic books and graphic novels are adapted to the big screen I scream and die a little inside because the vision seems to never translate well and audiences are screwed out of what could be a potentially great experience. With V for Vendetta, the audience for once is spared. For those who feel they are savvy enough notice the interesting parallels to current events. I won't give it away, I can't, too good to do that to you!
However, the movie reminded me of my constant feeling that something isn't right. One that we have willingly allowed ourselves, in N.A. to be zombified and spoonfed our information, our knowledge.
Has anyone noticed the "crisis in the middle east" or the current events with British Airways, which once again has brought us to our knees in fear but raised up some dusty idea of patriotism...patriotism to what?
And the poor Muslim community. The amount of hatred and tension that is building in North America coupled with bombings, attacks and violence in the middle east. Which I dare you to pull out a map and look at the actual size of the countries that are embroiled in warfare currently compared to idea of the "middle east" and then pull your eyes over the nicely nestled and "safe" North America...again what is the threat? Oh don't forget to watch the rising gas prices and the profits and compare the descrepancies.
And since when did I become of lip balm on a plane? Last weekend. All I can say is I am lucky I am not a business traveler because right now would be a crappy time to travel...maybe the Canadian government could postpone their elaborate meetings overseas and get in their cars and drive to the local Timmy's for a meeting rather than spending our freaking money to stay in a luxury resort somewhere far from the country they are suppose to be leading???
Okay and why is Harper in Alert Bay and not at the World conference on Aids in Ontario?? SMUCK!! Between Bush and Harper I think North America needs to drink some serious amounts of WAKE the FUCK up juice, get our sorry noses out of other peoples crap and look at the shit pile we are making in our own backyard before we get all self righteous about democracy and freeing other countries and assimiliating them because there is no hope for our cracked out, illiterate degenerates here.
And with that....
Go watch V for Vendetta...and then turn to CNN...case and point.

Wise woman

2006-08-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried to identify the wise woman? I often do, try that is. I have to be honest...when I say have to, I mean by my own standards, I have to be honest I have been blessed in my life. I have been blessed with a spirit that recognizes life's challenges as gifts. I know the challenges that I have undergone, some I have shared with the people who read this blog regularly and some have become too complex to articulate. And through it all I have continued on, but I didn't do it alone. I have never been alone. I have been blessed because my spirit invites others to come and help me and aid me and open up paths for me. Currently I am in this amazing vortex and whirling around are all these individuals who (they don't know it) are working collectively to enrich my life and ensure that I will be successful. I must remember through all this to share. I must remember honesty, trust, love...I must remember that there will be small individuals that will burn me, but I can't ever let me stop giving, sharing, trusting, loving...
How to identify the wise woman...look for the stare that seems to be not looking for anything and you are certain no words will follow the gaze...the stare is quiet, you will find her there...and if you can't find the stare open yourself up, trust, give, and more importantly laugh, belly laugh, roll in laughter, because she loves laughter.

Civic Holiday (CAN)

2006-08-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so a Civic Holiday is on August 7th in Canada. No-one really knows why it is a holiday or what the heck is so important that bus service has to be reduced to sunday service for, but it is a holiday.
I am confused. Of course I am came up to the campus to do work, cause I am on a fellowship so I have no hope for holiday pay...although the security guard smucks who make sure this campus is open do! Okay they aren't smucks...I am, cause I am here rather then snuggling up to my man...well, until he said "pest be-gone!".
What is a Civic Holiday? Why is it so important?
Oh almighty Google here I come to discover the joys of this auspicious holiday.

Regardless

2006-08-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

So, the path may look bleak, long and bumpy, but baby I am holding on and riding!! ROOOOOOOOAAAAR!

Struggling...

2006-08-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well, there are certainly classes where I feel like I am swimming up stream...salmon? By the way the word "salmon" has been an incredibly recurring word within the last two to three weeks and I am a believer in signs. I do believe the universe talks to me and if you want to call me a hippy, a new age freak, or in need of a dose, well go get stuffed!
Anyways, of my four classes I have been in this summer there is two classes where I felt anger in the room. Anger from students who are part of the culture that has been continually pushed around...I can sympathize and i can see the evidence and I really want to be part of the solution not the problem. However, their anger has made me acutely aware of my own dialogue...hmm, maybe that isn't right...their anger has made me cautious in my course, cautious of what I say.
Sadly, yesterday, that anger reared it's ugly head yesterday. And again lets keep in mind that I may be really sensitive. Yesterday I swam upstream...yesterday I came to terms about what I am able to understand compared to what I am able to articulate. My fear got the better of me in class...and I bumbled and said words that were not suppose to come out of my mouth and no-one let it pass...I did hear people stand up for me at times...but the anger is there. I have very real concerns about how I will do in this class...I can sense I am seriously lagging behind the other students. My articulation is latent and I am in trouble. The leader of the class also concerns me, I can feel her ages of hurt, amazing she is from a part of a world I can't even imagine and yet I can feel the streams and flows of hurt and anger lapping up against her.
Then there is this other subject that is really hurting me...the words "emotional ties" and how that is linked with identity. You know five years ago I may have been certain of my identity, I could have pinpointed my emotional ties. However, events seem to have obliterated those ties, and my identity has become fluid and nothing I can define. I understand I am something to the people in my life, however, I don't know what I am to myself. I am having trouble locating myself...the wind stopped outside my window...I keep wondering what am I emotionally tied to, where is my identity, where do I get my identity from? I wish I could rely on the stories I was told growing up, but they have become unstable and fallacies, and I am having trouble locating where my stories come from...
So I am sitting in this class, with many different voices that are continually locating themselves, and linking up their emotional ties with the content that we are working through and I am detached. No stories. And while I have a narrative, a path I can recount, the anger and hurt that is the class does not make me feel safe to use my stories in ways to access the material...not verbally anyways.
Which turn leads me to my continual state of self-doubt. I am kind enough to myself to know I am intelligent, I am a survivor, and I will go the distance even if I am the loser I won't give up...okay...but am I ready for this, and when i say this I say Masters program...and if I am ready, is my community ready to accept me? I get the sense that if I do make it through this process that the community will be so completely embroiled in pain and anger that I won't be accepted...

I got my first mark back...and there are two kinds of students the eighty percent student and the ninety percent student...I do not belong to the latter currently. What does this mean? Well if this first mark is an indication of my future progress and success well ultimately I am greatful that I didn't get a student loan and I won't have to pay back these two years...I am certainly not giving up, and I won't, in case I can turn this around...I am not sure how and I may not be developed enough to do so, but I am in now and I won't stop.

The energy it takes to eat...

2006-08-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

Again I am throwing more reading at you. Hopefully, you have adobe acrobat to open this I tried to copy it but WOW, it was tough and incomplete.
The main theme of the paper is how much energy is put into food and the link to Iran. Essentially, wheat, corn and rice are where we are expending our energy, and the amount we spend on a kernal of corn is insane!!
You know these organic folks and health food freaks piss me off, because of for the majority that I have come across they somehow associate health food and organic food as their part in helping heal the world, the environment. However, it isn't the case...just another capitalist venture to appease the masses...ugh I am not happy with that phrase "the masses". Almost seems to remove any sense of intelligence and instills a sense that we are sheep. I argue we are intelligent human beings, thinking and feeling and extremely cognitive. However, the constant bombardment of information, deflective information if I may add that, and our minds become tired, exhausted, we just want to help, be helpful, be part of the solution...and exploiters have caught onto that. Oh and if you think you are gonna cut wheat and corn and rice out of your diet in order to save the world from the overconsumption of energy...uhm...good luck because those three are insidious a part of everyday. But some information about exactly how this stuff ends up on our plates doesn't hurt.
Try sometimes googling a food item...I tried broccoli..was kind of lame but I did learn alot about the vegetable. Someone else did Pizza and discovered something about Domino's which makes me never eat there again. And another person did Pastachio nuts...and well that nut has some history and next to oil that little nugget is also another tension maker between the states and iraq. I find it interesting how our foods arrive in our cupboards and we take it for granted and look at them as without a story or a history...oh ya the link below...depends on how much time you want in front of your computer...good luck and much love!

http://www.yorku.ca/public/public/backissu/30feature.pdf

We are at war

2006-07-31T11:42:00.000-07:00

I wish I had the ability to draw and then the technology to post what I vision. We are at war. Perhaps someone reading this thinks I am talking about current events in the news...and well yes, they are part of it what I am about to go on about. I am currently of the mind that we (colonizers, benefactors of "conquest") never disengaged from war. And I despair that our habits are irreversible. The word "natural" is completely embedded into our psyche and taken as the normal, however it is propaganda. What drives me even further into despair is the long heritage and ongoing creation of literature that outlines how "we" have benefited and continue to benefit from the 'spoils of war'...there was no fucking war to freaking spoil from! But does it matter anymore?
I hear stories about how people are fed up with the "other". Such addages such as "why am I being punished for what happened in the past?" or "what if they had colonized us?" or "It's just a ploy to get more money, besides show me what advantages I have because life hasn't been fair to me and you don't see me blockading roads"...The past isn't over, behaviours and treatments and legalities are still being re-inacted today. Locally you can see how roads are built through reserves, not because of shorter routes but because it doesn't cost as much to build through a reserve as it does to create a more direct route. Just for starters...
What if they had colonized us? Seriously? Nice deflection and as if we were really in threat of that....keeps someone from having to deal with their own complicity of what is happening.
How about that there is only two official languages in Canada and they both happen to be the languages of the colonizers. Okay someone will get pissed and say i have to learn yet another language? Okay, well perhaps I should approach it this way...what if they had colonized us? That means the english language could only be spoken at home but if we want groceries, work, or even to see a t.v. show displaying our culture well forget it, assimilate cause when we got to this piece of land you didn't exist or you were expected to die QUICKLY...oh crap you didn't? Oh well, learn the language like the rest of us. Seriously???
I remember someone saying, they always complain about the drunk indians at bingo, but have you walked into a bar or pub or bingo hall lately? How many Indians do you see? How many white guys do you see? And yet we have a native problem????
It is tough to combat or converse with people who have it set in their mind that there isn't a problem and that people have to get over the past and move on...but the practices of the past are continually being enacted out today...
There is a plethora of academic peer reviewed information to attest to that...but somehow the history written by the white guy and upheld by the white guy through the white system seems to hold up.
And I despair because people, a large proportion people think this is normal??
They think individualism and capitalism is normal...if it is the way we are meant to be why are we so miserable and so alone?
Why are continually medicated and sad?? Is that suppose to be someone's idea of natural? And what is natural? Because so far I haven't seen anything that constitutes natural. Even as I look out my window everything has been cultivated and chosen and selected....
Maybe if I work hard enough I can effect change in my circle...and hopefully that will ripple out?? Well, maybe my way of beginning to give back is to share what I read. An integral beginning would be Peggy McIntosh. I know it makes for a longer read...and isn't that funny people are hurt because we don't want to take the time...

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

"I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group"

Peggy McIntosh

Through work to bring materials from women's studies into the rest of the curriculum, I have often noticed men's unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged, even though they may grant that women are disadvantaged. They may say they will work to women's statues, in the society, the university, or the curriculum, but they can't or won't support the idea of lessening men's. Denials that amount to taboos surround the subject of advantages that men gain from women's disadvantages. These denials protect male privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended.

Thinking through unacknowledged male privilege as a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there are most likely a phenomenon, I realized that, since hierarchies in our society are interlocking, there was most likely a phenomenon of while privilege that was similarly denied and protected. As a white person, I realized I had been taught about racism as something that puts others at a disadvantage, but had been taught not to see one of its corollary aspects, white privilege, which puts me at an advantage.

I think whites are carefully taught not to recognize white privilege, as males are taught not to recognize male privilege. So I have begun in an untutored way to ask what it is like to have white privilege. I have come to see white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was "meant" to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, codebooks, visas, clothes, tools , and blank checks.

Describing white privilege makes one newly accountable. As we in women's studies work to reveal male privilege and ask men to give up some of their power, so one who writes about having white privilege must ask, "having described it, what will I do to lessen or end it?"

After I realized the extent to which men work from a base of unacknowledged privilege, I understood that much of their oppressiveness was unconscious. Then I remembered the frequent charges from women of color that white women whom they encounter are oppressive. I began to understand why we are just seen as oppressive, even when we don't see ourselves that way. I began to count the ways in which I enjoy unearned skin privilege and have been conditioned into oblivion about its existence.

My schooling gave me no training in seeing myself as an oppressor, as an unfairly advantaged person, or as a participant in a damaged culture. I was taught to see myself as an individual whose moral state depended on her individual moral will. My schooling followed the pattern my colleague Elizabeth Minnich has pointed out: whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us."

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Daily effects of white privilege

I decided to try to work on myself at least by identifying some of the daily effects of white privilege in my life. I have chosen those conditions that I think in my case attach somewhat more to skin-color privilege than to class, religion, ethnic status, or geographic location, though of course all these other factors are intricately intertwined. As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact in this particular time, place and time of work cannot count on most of these conditions.

1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.

5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.

10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.

11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.

12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.

14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.

15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.

16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.

17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.

18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.

19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.

20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.

28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.

29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.

31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.

32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.

33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.

34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.

36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.

37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.

38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.

39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.

40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.

41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.

42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.

43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.

44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.

45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.

46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.

48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household.

49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.

50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

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Elusive and fugitive

I repeatedly forgot each of the realizations on this list until I wrote it down. For me white privilege has turned out to be an elusive and fugitive subject. The pressure to avoid it is great, for in facing it I must give up the myth of meritocracy. If these things are true, this is not such a free country; one's life is not what one makes it; many doors open for certain people through no virtues of their own.

In unpacking this invisible knapsack of white privilege, I have listed conditions of daily experience that I once took for granted. Nor did I think of any of these perquisites as bad for the holder. I now think that we need a more finely differentiated taxonomy of privilege, for some of these varieties are only what one would want for everyone in a just society, and others give license to be ignorant, oblivious, arrogant, and destructive.

I see a pattern running through the matrix of white privilege, a patter of assumptions that were passed on to me as a white person. There was one main piece of cultural turf; it was my own turn, and I was among those who could control the turf. My skin color was an asset for any move I was educated to want to make. I could think of myself as belonging in major ways and of making social systems work for me. I could freely disparage, fear, neglect, or be oblivious to anything outside of the dominant cultural forms. Being of the main culture, I could also criticize it fairly freely.

In proportion as my racial group was being made confident, comfortable, and oblivious, other groups were likely being made unconfident, uncomfortable, and alienated. Whiteness protected me from many kinds of hostility, distress, and violence, which I was being subtly trained to visit, in turn, upon people of color.

For this reason, the word "privilege" now seems to me misleading. We usually think of privilege as being a favored state, whether earned or conferred by birth or luck. Yet some of the conditions I have described here work systematically to over empower certain groups. Such privilege simply confers dominance because of one's race or sex.

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Earned strength, unearned power

I want, then, to distinguish between earned strength and unearned power conferred privilege can look like strength when it is in fact permission to escape or to dominate. But not all of the privileges on my list are inevitably damaging. Some, like the expectation that neighbors will be decent to you, or that your race will not count against you in court, should be the norm in a just society. Others, like the privilege to ignore less powerful people, distort the humanity of the holders as well as the ignored groups.

We might at least start by distinguishing between positive advantages, which we can work to spread, and negative types of advantage, which unless rejected will always reinforce our present hierarchies. For example, the feeling that one belongs within the human circle, as Native Americans say, should not be seen as privilege for a few. Ideally it is an unearned entitlement. At present, since only a few have it, it is an unearned advantage for them. This paper results from a process of coming to see that some of the power that I originally say as attendant on being a human being in the United States consisted in unearned advantage and conferred dominance.

I have met very few men who truly distressed about systemic, unearned male advantage and conferred dominance. And so one question for me and others like me is whether we will be like them, or whether we will get truly distressed, even outraged, about unearned race advantage and conferred dominance, and, if so, what we will do to lessen them. In any case, we need to do more work in identifying how they actually affect our daily lives. Many, perhaps most, of our white students in the United States think that racism doesn't affect them because they are not people of color; they do not see "whiteness" as a racial identity. In addition, since race and sex are not the only advantaging systems at work, we need similarly to examine the daily experience of having age advantage, or ethnic advantage, or physical ability, or advantage related to nationality, religion, or sexual orientation.

Difficulties and angers surrounding the task of finding parallels are many. Since racism, sexism, and heterosexism are not the same, the advantages associated with them should not be seen as the same. In addition, it is hard to disentangle aspects of unearned advantage that rest more on social class, economic class, race, religion, sex, and ethnic identity that on other factors. Still, all of the oppressions are interlocking, as the members of the Combahee River Collective pointed out in their "Black Feminist Statement" of 1977.

One factor seems clear about all of the interlocking oppressions. They take both active forms, which we can see, and embedded forms, which as a member of the dominant groups one is taught not to see. In my class and place, I did not see myself as a racist because I was taught to recognize racism only in individual acts of meanness by members of my group, never in invisible systems conferring unsought racial dominance on my group from birth.

Disapproving of the system won't be enough to change them. I was taught to think that racism could end if white individuals changed their attitude. But a "white" skin in the United States opens many doors for whites whether or not we approve of the way dominance has been conferred on us. Individual acts can palliate but cannot end, these problems.

To redesign social systems we need first to acknowledge their colossal unseen dimensions. The silences and denials surrounding privilege are the key political surrounding privilege are the key political tool here. They keep the thinking about equality or equity incomplete, protecting unearned advantage and conferred dominance by making these subject taboo. Most talk by whites about equal opportunity seems to me now to be about equal opportunity to try to get into a position of dominance while denying that systems of dominance exist.

It seems to me that obliviousness about white advantage, like obliviousness about male advantage, is kept strongly inculturated in the United States so as to maintain the myth of meritocracy, the myth that democratic choice is equally available to all. Keeping most people unaware that freedom of confident action is there for just a small number of people props up those in power and serves to keep power in the hands of the same groups that have most of it already.

Although systemic change takes many decades, there are pressing questions for me and, I imagine, for some others like me if we raise our daily consciousness on the perquisites of being light-skinned. What will we do with such knowledge? As we know from watching men, it is an open question whether we will choose to use unearned advantage, and whether we will use any of our arbitrarily awarded power to try to reconstruct power systems on a broader base.

Peggy McIntosh is associate director of the Wellesley Collage Center for Research on Women. This essay is excerpted from Working Paper 189. "White Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming To See Correspondences through Work in Women's Studies" (1988), by Peggy McIntosh; available for $4.00 from the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, Wellesley MA 02181 The working paper contains a longer list of privileges.

This excerpted essay is reprinted from the Winter 1990 issue of Independent School.

Four wheels and steering wheel...

2006-07-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have never in my life actively pursued the idea of being a car owner...until now. My budget is limited, so I know it will be a junker. And I have kept my eye open for those wonderful signs stating the owner of the car wants to sell. Some of the prices look reasonable. Again, know NOTHING about cars. I think I am would be happy with relatively decent gas mileage, and the ability to go forward backward and turn...however I know a car needs to be more than that. I can feel winter starting to bear down on me and the realization that if i don't get a vehicle into the house soon, life could become difficult, really difficult. Of course like most things in my life I would find a way to cope...honestly I am tired of coping.
So, slowly but surely I am perusing car lots. Oh, how i would love a new car...but at 300/mos, well that ain't happening...come on realistically? And I am afraid to walk to the back of the lot where they keep their used cars for probably way less a month. So I keep watching cars with "for sale" signs whizz by me...trying desperately to see what the price tag is and thinking he the faster it goes with the least amount of noise must be a good sign that the car isn't a complete loss?!?!?!?!
I thought working on campus would be a great way to find a car that runs for cheap...however, I did not factor in the summer...and that NO ONE comes to the campus in the summer thus no one advertises selling their junker in the summer.

Hmm, I remember when i was in A.A. some rich ex-drunk had handed over the keys to his spare vehicle to one of the guys in the group and said, "here you go, no strings and remember to always wear your seatbelt". The man who got the keys had reached two years of sobriety and he had expressed that finally he felt safe to drive again on the streets, but he had no car and a shitty job that would not pay enough to save for a car. I am thinking I should go back to the meetings...(i am such a doof)
Knowing that I can't go do some act at an A.A. meeting I surf the net...okay seriously with this much technology we can't find websites that give a prospective buyer as much information about a car as possible...seriously? Does it need to be this confusing in this day and age?
I wonder if I plant my one my hotwheels in the ground it will grow into a BIG working Hotwheel? If you're looking for I am planting my toy box full of hotwheels out in the back yard!

Public Children...

2006-07-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

I will happily admit that children are cute. They even add a certain kind of joy to my life. I get a kick out ankle biters and they provide me with no end of mirth, even when they are going through a crisis I have a good chuckle. Kids are great, and I think those adults who are relatively well adjusted should have LOTS of kids.
Where I draw the line on children is at restaurants, supermarkets, clothing stores and movie theatres (many various public places, except parks and lakes and play land type places). Here is my line...I feel if a child is properly reared they can be brought out into public, however, if their little lungs and touchy feely fingers and free running chubby legs cannot be kept in check, the little buggers should be locked up!! Okay, so I got a little carried away there, although in the end it is the way I feel. I have heard the argument that parents need to be out and about, do errands, enjoy food not cooked at home and see the latest blockbuster...that they shouldn't be punished for having children. I agree 100%, come on out and have some chicken a la king, and see superman returns, and get those bananas. However, if junior is a screamer, a toucher, a runner...junior stays home, or gets heavily sedated before you leave the premises.
I know parents have the capacity to teach their children to use their normal voice, to sit still, to keep the hands to thy self. I have witnessed it numerous times and even applauded it because that has to be a hard task to figure out how to bring the child out into public, maintain respectibility and still have it so the child also will enjoy thee outing.
This I know. Children should be fed...not chips, not chocolate bars...but proper veggies and whole grains and meats...because when kids get hungry or lack proper nutrition, they show it...READILY. In addition, parents should come armed with crayons and mini puzzles or books. Just some things I know.
I recently went to a movie...and inside I died a little when I saw two groups of parents come in with children who were under the age of five. I sunk in my seat and wondered how much of the movie would be wasted on the sounds of screaming, incessant LOUD questioning, running up and down the aisle. And here is what I saw...One family, pulled out carrots and celery and sat with a magazine with their kid until the movie started...they leaned in and whispered talking, long before the movie started!! How wonderful and delightful. The other parents got a high seat for their child and had a book and crayons...OMG I was so delighted. Although, I knew the movie was going to be long and kids are short on patience...rightly so...but to my amazement the kids sat, they whispered and when they needed to get up and walk, they leaned into their parent and both members queitly exited and re-entered. I got to enjoy the movie wholeheartedly and my experience was enhanced knowing that there are still responsible parents in the universe!!
Of course everytime I see a child in public I inwardly think he/she is giving the middle finger to those of us who wish not to hear a tantrum or see snot on our bananas...and once and a while a parent proves me wrong and presents a kid who can still enjoy the world with his/her young senses and not disturb my aging senses.
Okay you can now persecute me for being cantankerous!

clever...bad

2006-07-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I am attempting to get back into my creative spirit. I have always found that when I get back to my writing I am more balanced and I believe in myself more. So, in "White Studies" I became slightly inspired...and scribbled. I really need a notebook on a string...one that goes around my neck...but it needs to be small and manageable, not like some clunky thing that is obvious and obnoxious...maybe that isn't what I need, but I know that I would write more if I had a more effective way of writing then trying to search around in my bag for a book or a paper to write...if my space for writing was accessible the moment inspiratin popped into my head...if there are any suggestions out there let me know.

Okay, words...

"one thing led ot another, small strings attached to another, tied into a web" <--cliche

"Strange mother you found my words/peeled them back/ my lined paper/ and ripped out all of the letters/ I was left with words"

Some people have seen my Strange Mother work before...I actually have an extensive Strange Mother work...I am hoping if enough of what is in me will squeeze out onto pages perhaps the actualization of becoming published will happen.

Keep squeezing sugar.

Allergic

2006-07-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

I think I am allergic to cloudy days.
Now, vaguely I am serious and yet not really. However, today is cloudy and my eyes are weepy and my nose is slightly runny and I feel bloated (the bloated feeling is attributed to my sex though...not allergies).
I wish there was such a thing as being allefic to cloudy days. Wait there is...S.A.D. Seasonal Affect Disorder or something like that.
I often speculate that somehow I am one of the many who, if for prolonged peroids left out of the sun become sad. Of course two days of cloudiness does not make a sad She. I am just currently being goofy. More than likely I had a rough night last night and my body is attempting to repair.
However, in the winter the valley becomes a place of doom and gloom. Constantly the skies are overcast and when we get snow it quickly goes from white to grey. The valley traps the clouds and refuses to let go of them all winter long...probably because the valley is recovering from the pain of an excrutiatingly bright summer, the land is completely scorched by the time September ends and desires the long sleeved cloud cover of winter.
Enevitably, I begin to feel the effects of no sun during the winter. Depression comes more readily and I find myself seeking sources of reported happiness...Vitamin D, St. John's Wort and a visit to a tanning booth to stave off any gloom and doom. Invariably finals show up and essays which I am not prepared for and all my happy feelings get squished out of me like a pimple gets squished of the face of a thirteen year hold hopelessly fighting off the effects of puberty. I go splat on the bathroom mirror of desperation and despair and land into depression.
The saving grace is summer. Ah glorious summer and all it's sunshine! All that sunshine that lends itself to complaints and longing for winter where everyone expresses the sentiment that at least in winter you can dress up in layers and turn on the heat in order to regulate comfort levels...whereas in the summer naked in a tub of ice is about as close to comfort as one can get...and that normally never works out.
So back to my allergy and clouds..my eyes won't stop weeping and my nose won't stop dripping and I wonder if I have late onset allergies? or if this is what it feels like for a person with allergies?
There is nothing wrong with me...

I am so ashamed...

2006-07-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, the pussycat dolls...really? Like what fat old white rich male's fantasy just came true? Holy crap...and only one of them can sing...and yet...gawd...and I hate myself so much for this...but I actually like the "buttons" song. WHY??!?!

Anything I have been lately...

2006-07-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

The sky is cut today. A great swath of a storm cloud has decidely come right up the valley...do better than nestling between the mountains, in fact stream ling through. In a great show there seems to be something ominous. Although, isn't anything that changes the landscape seem ominous? For over two weeks it has been nothing but clear skies and incredible heat and warmth. And for one abrupt day a dark cloud moves in.
I find myself currently with little to do, which means I could be reading..I'm not.
I'm tired.
And I am remembering...the past.
So many different faces are coming up at me...I actually found myself missing an old roomate. There was something about her personality that really enchanted me. I remember that even though she hated herself so completely that people still followed her and wanted her "coolness". I don't think anyone ever wanted to be her...however, her personality, her easy laugh, her sense of human character, all very amazing qualities. And when she would push any of us away, we would be completely confused and yet she thought that we wanted release from her.
Of course, her and I haven't spoken for years. And I am not sure how I would feel about coming to face with her now. The event that broke our friendship is completely long and buried now...not even something that can be resurrected...I learned my lesson, so it isn't something she could do to me again, because I know better.
Friendship is a wierd thing for me.
I was walking home yesterday and I thought about how I changed from a fully social person to a recluse. How now I find joy in not mingling...the thought of large groups scares me now, makes me nauseous. The thought of people I don't know and people who do me...upsetting.
Somehow when Jaidan died, I became uncertain and unwilling.
Of course Belva, I do desire a good Ya-Ya shaking...and yet...
So, the prospect of the requirments of my M.A. isn't too entirely enticing. I have to liason with the community. Means people...lots of people...and no comfort of familiar places...ie home.
Surely I will do it. Of course I will.
Since I was concieved I have been going forth and forward...slips, trips and uphill climbs as a wise friend puts it.
I am thankful for the friends who are with me now. They are few, but they are solid...and they love me even when I am not present. And truly they all have been so incredibly patient with me. And because of them I find myself more easily able to let go and to give unconditionally.
Of course in the end, I miss my brother so much...I am continually amazed that I am here and he is not. I am amazed how his death changed my life, forced me to say to my mother that she is no longer allowed to be part of my life and I no longer desire to be part of hers. Amazed at how his death freed me to say to my sisters that God won't save me anytime soon, so we best go our own way....
Amazed at how the cloud can cut the sky, darkly.

Transit...Why?

2006-07-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

I am all for environmentally, public funded types of transportation. Taking the bus doesn't really bother me. In fact, I support it 100%. And when I get to go to the large urban centres, I can fully appreciate how the public transit system operates and services the needs of large quantities of ungreatful, grumbly, pisswads, in the hopes there will be at one smiley person a day who says "thankyou".
However, I am in my mid-sized urban centre, where the bus runs more frequently than busses run in my previous city I lived in. Although, it isn't much of a consolation, when one doesn't know if they will be early, on-time, or late...without much of an apology...or the possible chance of a grumble, because everyone knows it is the passengers fault.
Okay, so the job of bus-driver...not glamorous...although well-paid, and at regular hours. Why is it that the city always manages to hire more unfriendly people to drive their busses then the friendly compassionate drivers??
I don't know how many times I have seen elderly rushed onto or off the bus, stops missed and the poor elderly person with their walker or wheel chair forced to hoof it further than their hip replacement was ever meant to go...no apology.
I don't know how many times I have seen a troupe of disabled and mentally dysfunctional people suffer abuse from bus drivers who don't have the patience for buckling in those with wheelchairs or helping the aids assist the handicapped into a safe passenger position.
How many times I have seen a bus pull away from a main stop three minutes before it is scheduled to leave and the driver won't stop for those people who are RUNNING to catch the bus that is leaving EARLY!
Okay, so there are the occasional gems who warm my heart and assure me that not all is lost...the dark side hasn't completely consumed the public service.
Although, the U-Pass may or may not assist in some very important changes. For one, it will save me 77 dollars...that I spent this month on a mother flipping bus pass.
Hmm, so student union office isn't open everyday...only select days, and it is more of a guessing games as to when it is open or not...and well students are suppose to get their passes from there. So I missed the day it is open and I figured I would toddle off to Shopper's Drug Mart to get my beloved month pass. I said I was a student showed my "graduate" UBC student ID. And the teller sold me a student bus pass. Yes it looked different than the ones I usually sport, however, I figured the teller would know better than me and sold me the appropriate pass considering my identification and all. So, July 1st rolls around, and I want to have a leisurely day down at the farmers market checking out fresh produce...I get my spanky new bus pass and hop the bus. I got lucky, I got the asshole driver, he is a consumate jerk, who drives erractically and the only rush he is concerned about is the one that gets him closer to a Tim Horton's, for which he makes no apology if the lines up are long and his passengers miss connections because of his need for Timmys! Oh I sink when I see him. And I sunk when I saw him July 1st, but wow did he come to life with the prospect of kicking me off the bus, when he saw my student bus pass. Turns out my student bus pass is only if you are in highschool...not university. Slowly but surely I talked my way through it and he let me stay on. I went straight to Shoppers to exchange the pass and pay the difference.
Well...ya...no you can't do that....Shoppers can't do that, I have to go to City Hall and do that...Shoppers doesn't do refunds or exchanges. I complained full heartedly and ended up needing a regular pass since well the bus is my life line currently in this urban sprawl HELL...OH MY GOD, did I end up hating my mid sized urban centre July 1st? YES!!!
So, I tried in my best imitation of calm and collected to point out to the manager that if an establishment is selling an item to a consumer they need to be clear on what they are selling and policy around the item sold. They need to relay that to ALL their staff, so the staff can relay that too the consumer. That way 77dollars can be saved in trying to find fucking transportation!
However, the reply was, that I should have known...that it isn't there fault and it is my responsibility...grrr...
Lesson learned? On many levels yes. So, saving up for a car now!

Bloody Buckets and Sam Hill

2006-06-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

Oh okay, dammit. I have been a total whiner lately. Which is funny because I personally can't stand complaining. Something inside of me dies when I hear someone drone on about something in their lives they aren't happy with...and I am being such a hyprocrit right now!
Okay, the essay is in. Really, I finished it...the first one of my Masters carreer..and you know what...I feel okay. I know it isn't my best work...but somehow I decided to lay my heart down along the path and I didn't pick it up for purposes of writing the essay. All is okay.
Really, what do I have to worry about...nothing.
Honestly, I have lived through some interesting experiences, even have the scars to prove my journey has been rough. Academia is not rough...so why am I whining?
I think I must be a battered wife...metaphorically. I can't enjoy something if it doesn't come with its fair share of lumps...and honestly there are no real lumps to be had in Academia. You talk to somone and read some books and perhaps write a ditty or two and et voila you get a title and a piece of paper which apparently states you know something...doesn't have to be earthshattering and rarely ever is, just know something. Well shoot, I know a whole bunch of things!
So, it is time for inspiration.
I need to get into a creative writing class. I need some new music. I need a new hair colour. And some of those funky foam shoes.
Hoping Mary Ellen doesn't retire so I can sit in on her classes and find my writing spirit again. I think my soul misses my hands holding a pen and splurging on the paper. The honesty needs to purge.
And in the end FUCK THEM ALL!
Clean up your own damn mess and stop shitting!
over and out

Me, Part of the Herd?

2006-06-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Oh this picture says it all for me. I can't remember what ad campaign it is from but it is meant to sell something. I feel like what I am doing right now can be summed up by this picture. By the way I am the cow...not the dolphin. I am doing my best though to keep up, make the leaps. However, everyone wants something from me and I have increased my chances of being caught in the net. And dammit I am not on the endangered species list!!!
I am struggling with my choices right now. I am struggling with uncertaintity. I usually learn quickly and jump the hoops, however this time I am not picking up on things as quickly. In addition, stemming from my fear of inadequacy I am putting off my work, both in my home and in school. There are projects ALL around me and I don't want to touch any of them, but deep inside I know if I do I will feel good, I will feel accomplished. Honestly that is what I want.
Okay, so this is the current question posed to me in my academic life. "Is this really where your passion lies?". For clarification, in broad terms I am looking at housing discrimination in Kelowna. For me, it is social issues I am wholeheartedly in love with and want to be part of. I don't care what social issue it is, throw me in, teach me and allow me to be a problem solver, or at least part of a solution. What is it about housing that I like? Well, everyone needs a roof over their head, a warm safe place to sleep. Taken for granted is that all of us in the world have access to that place...not true. That is what fascinates me!! In addition, another taken for granted idea is that everyone wants the same kind of home...again not true! I love the diversity, I love envisioning living in a space that engenders diversity.
Okay so is housing directly my love and passion, no. The social ails around it though are! If someone were to come to me later today and say, "Do you want to research spousal abuse?" YES...or, "Do you want to research disabilities?" YES...or, "Do you want to research, child poverty?" YES YES YES...all of it would make me happy. Because not only would I learn, but I would have the opportunity to be part of giving back to the community...all I want for my life is to give back...so am I in the program for the wrong reasons??? That is my problem right now. I don't think I am, I think I am confused, I think I need clarification, and I need to be set in direction. I am going to people (my supervisor) and establishing communication and straightforwardly saying, "I'm confused".
I am optimistic. Don't get me wrong. I will do this, whatever this is...there is no doubts there. I mean I was petrified during my B.A. and I finished it. Certainly, toward the final semester I had a good grasp on how the B.A. worked but up until that point I really had NO clue what I was doing, it was because of others who gently pushed me in different directions that I made it...and my hardwork of applying myself to the material. So, I will do the M.A. no question...but I believe I am allowed to be afraid, confused and upset during the process. And this space will serve as a testimony in the future that really I had nothing to worry about.
In the meantime, I will leap with the dolphins and pray that I don't get caught in a tuna net!

Whoops, they might be on to me....

2006-06-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, now I am entering a small panic mode. Spent a few minutes speaking with one of my supervisors on my MA committee. He asked some really good questions and pointed out some even more important elements I should I be considering. And, as he was grilling me and forcing me to think I panic'd. I have no idea what I am doing. I had no way to articulate to him what I want to do, because honestly I don't know what I really want to do...I just want to learn...I just want to be part of something.
I have no clue. And when I begin to think of who I could ask about this process about what I should be doing, looking at, etc, etc...there is no one...no one I feel safe enough to say, I have no clue...I just jumped on board cause I didn't want to stay behind...I jumped. Operative word here...Jumped. Good god impulsiveness does not sell well in my life...okay, so, can't fully rely on landing on my feet, although I know I will...how can I be so confident? Because, I will keep plugging along...oh god, a good fraud never admits they are frauding their way through...so I won't...I will keep going try to ask the questions I can, and hope it all works out...GEEZ!
I feel stupid because I didn't really think this out...I didn't find a mentor a person who has been here who wants to share with me and help me figure out what I am doing here...I really fucked this up. This is where I wish I had parents who were semi-functional, alive, and with education...or even an aunt, or cousin, someone close to me...FUCK. I really hate being so alone!
I can't even put a hold on this MA thing, the money is being spent as we speak, wheels are turning and it is going down hill with no flipping breaks...I gotta go with the ride...Okay, so ya when the ride is over I know I will look back and laugh, but right now...GEEZ!
I am really hoping there will be some beautiful invisible hands popping up soon, because I don't have anytime to curl up somewhere and cry!

She came undone...

2006-05-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

Did you ever take a piece of rope and twist it up so you could watch it unwind. That is how I feel. I go through periods of being twisted up, haunted by exterior forces to become tighter, tauter, controlled...eventually I release...and I wind away from all the pressure. It is an unavoidable cycle for me. So beautiful and so graceful...yet so scared and even more sacred then I had ever dreamt.
Amazing I never thought I would know what this feels like, this being ...being right now.
So, I am past a week of heat and nightmares and fears. Now I am into a rythm...a slow steady rythm that asks me to show up at work...whenever I can. The same rythm asks me to be wary of my academic obligations but don't fret them. A rythm of coming home and making sure the next meal is hot and the floor is vacuumed and the bed is made for two individuals who come together so exquistely in the middle of the night.
My rope is unwinding...twirling down, gracefully as though it was planned.

Backslide...

2006-05-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

The nightmares...always with the same usual theme, Jaidan dying, death, dead. This time a deadly freezing wind comes through the town of Vernon at certain times and Jaidan and I have to get somewhere with our luggage. We hop in the car, I drive. We get to our destination and the freezing wind is behind us...we can see it. Both Jaidan and I run into safety...literally side by side. When we get in, for just a moment I think *we made it* but I look over at him...he isn't looking at me. His whole body is stiff...and he falls to the floor. The freezing wind got him, not me. I see convulsions of his hand...my dream interprets the wave as an attempt to say *I am alive, save me*....

Shortly after this I wake up. That was three days ago...and I can't shake it. I am tired. Extremely tired. But I still have to go work, I have classes starting next week. I am breaking. I found myself in a hallway trying to put money on my photocopy card fighting back tears.

DONE...almost...

2006-04-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my hands are becoming slightly overused. I just finished writing my last final exam I will ever write as an undergrad. In two hours I responded to four questions and used three booklets to do so. My hand is throbbing right now and I think my brain melted. Now I am going to complete my 35 page paper and my prof can dream about me doing anymore than that!! I can't believe I am done! I am so scared and yet so completely exhilarated! How the hell did I get this far? And no-one has found out I am a complete fraud!! YAHOOO...SUCKERS! Just joking...or am I? I need to find a good hand surgeon...academia is a killer on the hand bones!

Yes I am moving April 29th...yes I have a couch and a cot...yes you all worship me and adore me...yes, I smell!

The final Countdown

2006-04-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I am moving into the phase of final countdown to moving day. I realize as I get older, that moving is a painful process. I was packing boxes last weekend and re-arranging different areas of my home and the next day my body violently protested. I was a bit upset at first with my bodies reaction to my preparations, especially since I have been exercising regularly lately...granted my exercise does not include bending and lifting, however I thought perhaps my exercise would stave off some of the pain. NO. So I began to think about what moving day will do to my body and I don't have one body to worry about I also have the body of my partner to worry about. Especially since it will be our first night sleeping together in OUR home...and he will be sore, and I will be sore...and we will still have to get up the next day and run about trying to pull OUR home together. Thankfully, a wonderful friend has made the process easier by lending us his truck. Which I find as a great honour that he trusts me and partner enough with his transportation. And here is where I get really excited about moving day...because you really get to know who is in it for the long haul and who isn't. I have learned in my life that friends come and go quite frequently. However, that doesn't mean stop making friends because they are fleeting, what it does mean though is to watch a friends behaviour while they are in your life. The friends I cherish the most are the ones who can manage truly selfless acts. They inspire me to continually strive to do selfless acts myself. Granted it is more effort and work helping others at the expense of your comfort and time...however, the way I percieve my behaviour is that should I die dead in front of this computer right now, I will die content knowing that I tried....and that I don't have to move next Saturday!! JUST JOKING!

What it isn't September yet?!?!

2006-04-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

Okay I have sitting on some big news lately. Nothing is official...in the sense that the university has not contacted me to say "She you are accepted" however I am in the Masters program of UBC-O. YEAH! Okay, but that really isn't the big news. I think it was kind of a given I would end up in the program...what is big is the money. It wasn't long ago that my supervisor sat me down and said, "This university has no money for your studies, you have to think long and hard if you want to do this because you will have to fund most of it" Of course I freaked out but made the awful decision that I will go ahead and do my studies at the university. So, I began compiling lists of people who had grants and needed R.A.'s, I also applied for some scholarships and started mapping times of application for other scholarships. I was determined to do the next step in my education.
Well here is the beauty of life...especially for me...turns out there was an angel on my shoulder and he has email! I was emailed by a former professor who happened to have some money lying around for a student like me!! WOOT! For two years I will be getting two lump sum payments that will make life absolutely lovely!! I am so stoked and happy!
Okay the part that will hurt and I have to say sorry to all those friends who I said I would visit in the summer...SORRY...cause I am back in classes may 16th!! I am doing the Summer Institute which will save me from having to design my own courses...and while I am pooped I would rather not have to design a course just yet...forget several courses.
WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT!

The Canada we are proud of...hmm

2006-04-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Canadians win freedom for Chinese dissident
After years of punishment for defacing Mao portrait, Lu 'grateful' to be here
ROD MICKLEBURGH

From Wednesday's Globe and Mail

VANCOUVER — Lu Decheng, who spent nine years in a Chinese jail for splotching the famous portrait of Chairman Mao in Tiananmen Square, is safe and sound in Canada after Canadian authorities secured his release from a Thai detention centre.

The 43-year-old former bus driver, smiling broadly, was greeted upon his arrival at Vancouver International Airport yesterday by a relieved group of pro-democracy activists who had been at the forefront of efforts to bring him to Canada.

Speaking through an interpreter, Mr. Lu said he was exhilarated to be in a country "with a civil society where I can breathe the air of freedom. I am very grateful."

Activists credited behind-the-scenes diplomacy by the federal Conservative government for winning Mr. Lu's freedom, after Thai officials, acting on pressure from China, kept him locked up despite the fact that he had a valid immigrant's visa to Canada.

"The government got involved and that was probably the reason he was released in such a short time," said Cheuk Kwan, chair of the Toronto Association for Democracy in China.

"It's a refreshing change [from the Liberals] to have a government putting emphasis on human rights over pure trade and business. They did a good job."

Mr. Lu was one of three boyhood friends who travelled from Hunan province to the mass student demonstrations in Tiananmen Square in 1989.

The trio decided to make their own protest by hurling egg shells filled with coloured dye at Chairman Mao's huge portrait. But students quickly corralled the three young men and turned them over to police.

All were treated far more severely than any of the student protesters, receiving prison sentences from 16 years to life for "counter-revolutionary" activities.

Yu Dongyue, the last of the three to be released, was not freed until Feb. 22 this year. Family members have said he is now like a child, driven mad by years of solitary confinement and beatings.

Although he was paroled in 1998, Mr. Lu said Chinese authorities continued to hound him, making it impossible for him to earn a living.

He slipped out of China in late 2004, he explained yesterday, seeking to escape Chinese harassment and to publicize the prison plight of Mr. Yu.

"One of us had to get out and tell the world how the Communist regime treated us in prison," Mr. Lu said.

But when Chinese authorities learned that Canada had granted Mr. Lu refugee status earlier this year, they put pressure on Thailand to keep him in custody while seeking his return to China.

"China . . . does not have any so-called 'political refugees,' " a statement by the Chinese Foreign Ministry declared. "Lu Decheng left China in violation of Chinese laws."

Mr. Lu already had a March 14 plane ticket to Vancouver when the Chinese intervened and the date passed.

Now, he is free, on his way to Calgary to finally begin his new life in Canada.

The case was considered an early test of the Conservatives' pre-election pledge to place a greater emphasis on human rights in China than past Liberal governments have done.

Kim Girtel, a spokeswoman for the Department of Foreign Affairs, shed few details on how Mr. Lu's release was arranged.

"We did see reports alleging that Mr. Lu was having difficulty exiting Thailand, and we communicated our concern to Thai authorities," she said, declining further comment.

Citing weariness from 22 hours of travel, Mr. Lu declined to go into a lot of detail about his youthful, anti-Maoist escapade. "It's a very long story, and my mind is kind of muddy right now."

But at one point, he smiled at the recollection of putting the oil-based dye into the egg shells.

"The worst thing was that it was not the Chinese police who caught us. It was the students who took us to the police," Mr. Lu said. "Of course, it was a very regretful incident."

Great idea :P

2006-04-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I thought it would be a great idea to write about how home is constructed in our collective imaginations as well as our individual imagination. The construction of home is also a component to our collective and individual identity as functioning human beings. I also thought I would extend the idea further and talk about the effects of displacement and how that impacts ideas of home and identities linked with home. Home in my context can be the actual structure in which a person lives, a nieghbourhood, or even a country. All places are imagined realities of home.
Now begin laughing because I have to write twelve pages on the subject and just realized I have no freaking clue what I am doing! Do I even have a thesis? Not sure. Did I mention I have to have the paper done by Wednesday April 12th? And it is Monday...and well...nothing is written...notes are taken, kinda...
I hate myself.
I think my anxiety stems from the professor (before he knew what I was doing) saying "Goodthing you aren't an English major)....I AM AN ENGLISH MAJOR!! Oh the horror!
I can at least find good pictures. I like the whole homeless wolf image...what is the wolf without grandma's house?

Incentive...

2006-04-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

So as I am doing my usual "I have a 12 page paper due so I will not work on it until the last minute because I have tonnes of time now to work on it" routine. I come across this picture:

Seriously, do I need encouragement? I mean, if the picture is worth a thousand words then the language is full enough in meaning...I can put off whatever I want, cause I will succeed. BAH!
Freaking procrastination, harder to give up than smoking!

Little things...

2006-04-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the kingston is my life. MMmm, better said the kingston contains my academic life. I religiously and dutifully carry the thing with me everywhere. So, last night, I am furiously working away...sleep deprived and slightly delerious...very positive I put the little gadget in my school bag. So then where is it? Cause it has my essay and research on it!!!

So I am starting to look like this guy! Although, picture him huddled in a corner, under a desk...and that is the little freak inside my head right now!
And I would really love to wear this shirt right now! Especially when dealing with the Currie...only cause I would hope he would offer to be choked. Why did he give me more work?

breaking point

2006-04-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

I feel fairly fragile right now. This is part of the process I hate the most. I am completely and fully stressed. I have broken down two times today, crying. I probably wouldn't if I was worrying less, eating more and sleeping better. I am not though...I have no choice to either. The life of a student is fairly okay except for two weeks each semester...where everything culminates and piles on heavily. I feel extra special vulnerable, because my life is going in a fully new direction, both academically and personally. Also, when I am stressed my brother comes to me more and that hurts, alot. I love my brother but I am too weak right now to take on my pain regarding not having him with me. Just a bit longer and the gut kicking will slow down.

2006-04-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know the picture isn't pleasant to look at. However, in my defense niether is four months of a topic about death. And the culmination of the four months spent studing Medieval Death Literature is my essay about a woman who is complaining to the worms who are eating her rotting corpse. The picture was the best I could come up with in terms of "Worm Food"...which is the title of my essay...although, I may change the title to "Worms Meat"...I like that more! I am one day away from submitting the essay and the process is always a self-defeating one because I am constantly thinking I am not doing something right, I haven't linked enough sentences, I haven't introduced enough quotes or I introduced too many quotes. I am too broad, I am too narrow...ERGH!!
Really, the topic I think matches my sentiments about essay writing. Why do the professors (worms) always have to chew on my work (body)? Oh right becuase I shouldn't be so concerned with my work (body) I should be more concerned with my soul?? Nope doesn't apply...although my work is continuously turned into Worms Meat!!

ERGH

2006-04-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, for the next two weeks I will be full of self-loathing. Why? Because I actually have to write and submitt essays. Now the process is easy to talk about, although when I begin the application of actually writing and then the whole process of waiting for a mark which does NOT reflect my effort and understanding....well I end up hating myself...especially when the jackass behind me says "essay writing is a no-brainer" Now I toddle myself up to the writing centre in search for a couple more percent than I got on the last essay. I can't wait till the whole process is over and I can write creatively again. Seriously feel like the life is being sucked out of me.
Came up for a wonderful idea to spur on my creative process. I will try something image driven...little spots of imagining...see what crops up. Of course that will be AFTER classes and exams are done!

Time, time, time....

2006-04-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

Woot, that special time of the year has arrived where every third clock in my house isn't the correct time and I spend the next three days trying figure out what time it is and do I gain an hour of sleep or lose an hour of sleep? That argument NEVER dies!!! What begins the whole tirade on Daylight savings time...well because my genius computer recognize time change but my alarm clock and cell CAN'T! And as a result I am all discombobulated. Tomorrow, will begin the discussion about sleep...someone, I know someone will bring it up! Thought the roomie would but she finally huffed out of the house!

I should have chewed off my leg!

2006-04-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, perhaps it isn't all that bad...it as in having a roommate! Wait, yes it is! Especially when she is a self-absorbed messy freak! I have been looking forward to the days when she isn't home. Today was suppose to be one of them! Unfortunately she is home and she is noisy! And apparently she doesn't care.
Really I should have chewed my leg off and ran, limped, crawled for the hills when I heard the sentence "Wanna move in together?"
Now I think I need this book...

Not all Curries are good...

2006-03-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

If you had seen me this morning, you would have thought, wow, calm girl who seems to have all her cards well ordered. I spent my day comforting and hearing other people while they stressed out, freaked out, stormed about! I think I have a previous blog which states I would abstain from taking on other peoples stress. So, okay I wasn't successful. I not only took on the stress but I allowed it to make me raw. So when I saw this man...the crank fest began!

Who is this guy? Russell, PhD and my boss! One of my many bosses at this point. Today, he decided to be rather difficult. I asked for an extension on marking assignments...NO. Okay, fair enough. I was cranky but I didn't push it. Then I preceded to talk about a student I was helping. I was asked to describe the student because apparently the name was not good enough. So I tried, however I really despise describing people, ESPECIALLY when I have successfully presented a name. The student is an exchange student and when I admitted I cannot tell the difference between Taiwanese, Chinese or Japanese, I got the swift reply "You grew up here, didn't you?" WHAT FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT?!??! And the conversation ocurred in front of TWO people...I was embarrassed and I felt like I had been reduced because of where I was raised!! No acknowledgement of my experience or my level of education...nope, I am reduced to a location! He continued to push even though he knew I was already irritated. Seriously who does that?!?!
Russell !

Shame on us, Bush

2006-03-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

Not once, but twice the larger voting public looked at this face and thought "why not?" Seriously?

Okay, buckle in because what I heard this morning really pissed me off and also incensed me to write! Bush is a complete criminal. I can honestly say that since 2001 his activities in trying to bring 'freedom' to the world have been misguided and misinformed and complete propaganda. What makes me even more sick is that he has sent his own people to fight for what? OIL?? Because so far I have not seen anything that resembles freedom. What makes me even more livid is watching the death toll rise for soldiers who are sent overseas and no-one is posting how many people are dying as a result of US led occupation!!! I would really love to see someone put Bush on trial! Seriously, if we are going to condone Saddams treatment and trial, then the larger community really needs to hold Bush accountable for his actions while in office!

Back to the soldiers. I have been listening to CBC early in the morning. The radio is part of my morning routine. I check my email and gear up for the day while listening to the morning report and various interesting interviews. Lately, a large amount of the interviews have centered around the War in Iraq. More specifically whether Canadians should ask for their soldiers to come home. I am confident that the overall feeling is that our soldiers do not need to be over there sacrificing their lives for Bush's mess. Niether do American soldiers deserve to be over there. Anyways, there have been generals and such saying the Canadian public should basically keep their mouth shut becuase their opinions will demoralize those soldiers who believe their efforts are for the betterment of all peoples. Okay, valid to some degree. However, these generals and important members are sitting on a cushy seat in an office separated by an ocean talking to a reporter!! What the heck do they really know? Why do I say this? Because of Joshua Key.

Joshua Key is an American soldier who went AWOL. He is seeking refuge in Canada. Personally I feel Canadians should embrace him. Although I know Canadians taking in defecting American soldiers will not help the relationship with the US. I also I know that Bush and Harper are keen on eachother, especially since Harper is one of the people who actually thinks Bush is cool.
So what is Joshua's Story? I will give you the rundown I head on CBC. The interview was between a reporter and Joshua. So, Joshua signed up for the army. He chose a position that meant he would not have to go overseas. He would be stationed in the States. For awhile he was. The reporter asked him if soldiers who opt for stationing in the States ever think they will be asked to go overseas. He said that going overseas is a definite possibility for anyone who enlists. And he knew full well he could be made to go. However, he has a family, and he is poverty stricken. He needed the army so he could do his time, make money and then find job placements after his service. A story I have heard before...and not entirely a bad idea. Except Bush is your president and well US is at war...bad idea. Okay, so Joshua got the call to go overseas. His speciality was egineering bridges, however, the US army placed him in explosives because he scored high in his math exams. When Joshua was being shipped overseas he was told he would be put out in the desert and be part of team that is disarming landmines. Not a bad gig. Doing some good, cleaning up landmines, which is needed since several soldiers and civilians are being injured as a result of landmines. The story changed however when Joshua landed overseas he was told he will be part of raiding peoples homes. He admitted initially it was a bit of a rush. He laid a couple charges of c4 at the front door, the door would blow, and then about 6 soldiers would run into the house and remove the men outside while holding the women and children at gunpoint. The men of the house would be taken away for interrogation. After a while, Joshua admitted he and his soldier mates began to realize that the people were civilians and the US soldiers were keeping a pile of innocent people in a state of fear, not a state of freedom. When he got back to the US he ran for the border with his family. He has been in hiding but now is asking for help and speaking out. He said that about 80% of the soldiers in his unit felt what they were doing overseas is wrong...fundamentally wrong. However the commanders are telling them to shutup and do their job!! What the hell??
I checked out CBC website and it said of the 6,000 current troops a 150 have defected. I think that is a significant amount of soldiers considering all the training and brainwashing they endure to be even able to handle war. A 150 men defecting is HUGE when they are taught to never leave their team!
Okay that is my story.
I admit I am biased. I feel Bush has screwed over North America and put a HUGE target on our backs for retaliation and escalation. His efforts have injured to many innocent people who will remember for a very long time and hold hate in their hearts. Certainly, we have not seen the end. Simply removing Bush from office will not solve the problem, not one bit. However getting rid of him and ceasing war efforts and beginning rehabilitation efforts is needed NOW!

The final March...

2006-03-28T10:47:00.000-08:00

Stress? Who's stressed? Surely not me? No WAY! Okay, you caught me! So, slowly dawning on me what I have to get done. I wish the dawning would come quicker so I could get to the order of the day!! However, not the case. I also don't think it helps that I am surrounded by several people give or take a 1000 who are also stressed out. Why? Well, I go to University and if there is one universal thing that students go through it is the final month of a semester...right now that month is March, with a tiny smattering of April. So, I am on campus daily and surrounded by stress cadets who are flipping out. My typical arguement is "Do what you can when you can...nothing more can happen over that, so why worry?" Okay, well that bullshit doesn't last too long with me, I still freak out and think what the fuck am I doing? It is okay though...last time I have to do the guantlet as an undergraduate. And when I say guantlet I mean guantlet...seriously some students should be given medals for the backflips they have to perform to make it through the final semester of classes! I don't flip so much as saunter...I learned in second year I can't panic, it gets me no where except with little sleep and drool hanging off my chin and really who wants to look at that? Certainly not me! So I finish assignments (crappy work but it is work) and go to my respective jobs...then I run into Carlos who says "wait until you are a PhD then you will know what busy means" and about that point in my Ally McBeal brain I rip his head off his shoulders and feed it to ravenous piranas. In reality I just laugh and say "okay carlos" *fucker*

What she told me...

2006-03-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

Nice picture....of a cancer cell. How can something be so beatiful and wonderfully composed and yet kill so efficiently?

A very dear friend yesterday managed to get me on the phone. For those of you who have my number you know what an amazing feat that is!! We had a nice quick conversation while I headed toward class. Near the end of the conversation she quickly said, "I felt a lump in my armpit...it is sore". I stopped walking, the courtyard at the campus seemed to close in on me and I noticed the grass seemed really green. Odd things to sense. I went to all the wrong places in my head, I may have even panicked on the phone. I asked her if she had seen her doctor.."no"...she wondered if it was important enough for her to go to the walk-in clinic? I said 'yes'. I said yes because I felt it was more important for me to know she had seen a professional, it was more important for me to know someone who is rational could look at her lump and say, "you're okay". Although, in my head I was freaking out! Jaidan had a lump, it was sore...he died four months later. And that is where I went with my dear friend...I didn't say these thoughts to her, but I did start crying and because she is my friend she knew where I went and she attempted to change the subject...although I didn't let her until she said she would go to the walk-in clinic and get an opinion on the lump...I made her PROMISE as well as told her to call me and keep me updated. I was standing in the courtyard fighting hard as hell to fight back my tears. She kept talking but I wonder if I was there because I was trying to figure out if I could survive her sickness. So selfish I know...it is her life, however she has affected me so profoundly. She is a piece of me and I don't have many pieces so I really want to hold on to her. I thought immediately I wouldn't make it through the grief of losing her. Although ten seconds later I became angry and realized I would survive. I, like many others, continue to go on, to fight past the pain.
The sigh of relief to my whole story is I got a phone message approximately two - three hours later, it was her saying, 'I went to the doctor and it is a cyst and he gave me a prescription for anti-biotics'...WOOT! Now I can continue trying to convince her to adopt children!! Cause mighty-o-lady she is and there are children who need her brand of loving and cheer!

The Body

2006-03-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

The body is a contentious place for most people to be. In addition none of us can get free of our body whether we like our body or not. I always have my ears and eyes open and what I am witnessing is obscene. An increasing amount of people who are obsessing in unnatural ways about their body. As a result of the obsession the very same people are finding very unhealthy and psychologically damaging ways to deal with the body. I have a very dear friend who struggles with embracing herself and giving herself a break. I love her so much, even my first impression of her was "wow she is beautiful and amazing". However, that is my impression of her, not her impression of her. I have watched her through highs and lows of her trying to find a way to be comfortable with herself and her comfort level has always been centred on her body. She isn't alone in her comfort level. I increasingly meet more and more people who aren't comfortable with themselves unless their body is in good shape. I found it shocking that even people who are physically fit also based their wealth of personhood on their body.
Okay so perhaps it may appear to some who read this that I am harping on getting fit on being an ideal weight. I am not, I do believe it is important to be healthy, to remove the body physically from any health detriments. However, what is happening mentally? Studies show that mental well-being has as much of an impact on the overall health of a person as much as fat on the hips and chest does. How did these wonderful people get so far away from finding delight in the ability to create, to feel, to comfort, to socialize, to think, etc? How did they get so far from that and place the emphasis of self worth on the body?
The body is a hated entity. Very few people can acknowledge they love their body and even fewer can say that they have other qualities that are just as important to them (if not more) than the body.
What sparks my rant is I ran into someone who hadn't seen me for awhile and she said I looked good. She kept looking at my hips. Which I took to mean I have lost weight. This is likely because I walk to school everyday and now I am biking on Sundays. So in the five months she hasn't seen me I more than likely did lose weight. Although, I found myself afterwards mulling over what she said, because it didn't sit right with me. I was wearing nice clothes, I had make-up on, my hair in good shape and I had a beaming smile on. Also I went so far to enquire about her and say 'hi'. She knows I am school, she knows I am working somewhere else, she knows I am a writer. However, my weight loss is what makes me good? That is worth praise? It will be the central part of our discussion is my weight loss. BAH! How wretched!
I vow here and now I will not measure my life by the pounds I have or not have on my body. I will measure my life in my ability to make macaroni art, my ability to cook a meal, my ability to listen to a friend when he/she is upset or happy, my ability to write, my ability to walk into a room and smile brightly regardless of how shitty I feel!!

overwhelmed

2006-03-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

I just came from speaking with a PhD about my future Graduate plans. I am overwhelmed, I am frightened. The emotions don't come to me because I am afraid of my ability, I think, I believe I will do wonders in my Graduate program. I have complete confidence in myself to perform the tasks necessary. What scares me is my complete financial instability. HOW THE FUCK AM I PAYING FOR IT??? Okay, student loan...that is okay I am investing in my future. Okay, T.A. positions...depends on funding and competition from other students for those T.A. positions. I am searching out scholarships, actively. I am going to work over the summer...although that looks bleak the best I can hope to make is $10 an hour and I still have to pay rent and bills and food...maybe I can make food optional? I am scared that I will go through my graduate program the same way I am going through my undergraduate, working several jobs, cramming in courses...I am excited by my material..I know hard to believe, but I am one of the few who actually likes the work she is doing...but I have no time to immerse myself in the material and really enjoy it. Am I going to do that with my Masters?? Will I have a choice? I don't think so, I think the Masters program will be a scrape fest...
I am putting out the feelers though for a job that will pay good money...or what I might do is work several jobs at once...which I can do really well cause I won't be in school. I think if I can get to full time jobs and one part time I could really pull of saving up money and getting back on my feet!
Ugh, really wanted to get reaquainted with my friends again...say 'hi, how are you?' FUCK FUCK FUCK!

MP3 Player

2006-03-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

Oh yah, mama hit the big time. Finally my ship is coming in. Yikes I am a dork. In my defense though I have been lusting after a MP3 player for a VERY long time!!! I can't believe I finally have one!! True it isn't the one I have actually been drooling over, but in its defense the MP3 player I have holds approximately four hours of music!!! and somehow I have a choice in getting radio, although I am challenged so I may not find that feature for a while!!
Okay, so about now you are saying "How did you get this long sought after item, She?" Well, the local campus newspaper was running a contest. And because of the wonderfully supportive members on this campus I was able to win...wait let me put this in a way where sarcasm translates. NO ONE reads the fine print on the newspaper but because of "the Todd" I was pointed in the direction of the fine print and was able to answer some menial questions and consequently win the MP3 player....HOORAY me!!!
So, I had a piddly amount of songs on my disk but that didn't stop me, I loaded them onto the MP3 player and I am listening my little heart out until I get home and then comes the true test...which songs do I put on the player?!?!??!?! Oh it will be like chosing clothing to wear for the day...STRESS!!!
Okay so if anyone sees a contest for a laptop...HOOK ME UP, because that is my next lust fest...I WANT A LAPTOP SO BAD!!! A good one too!! Not some shitty little piece of shit shit that has less memory then a freaking calculator!! Oh the lessons we learn the hard way!!
Oh, Jack Johnson has never sounded so GOOD!
Thankyou Todd!! You are the shizna-ya-ya-shock-a-lot-a-boom-boom FOR SURE

Lump

2006-03-21T18:54:00.000-08:00

When I am fully aware of my mortality I am laying on my back with a hand behind my head and the other on my breast. The only time I try to count the bumps on my cieling or connect the silvery flecks on my cieling while marvelling at how someone got them to stick. Again I have to remember what the doctor said...which way do I palpate? Does that lump feel like a peanut? I am feeling my feminity and trying to figure out what the other markers are which tells me and others I am gendered and sexed female. Hair, I have grown it long. I can now pull my hair into a ponytail or wear it down letting it rest on my shoulders. Yes I have long hair, will my hair make me female? Makeup. I have invested many of my hard earned dollars into foundation, what exactly is my foundation supporting? Feminine! Eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara, because the colors will distinguish me from the male sex or gender. Clothing, I knew I should have bought more skirts. I never did like my legs. Perhaps the self loathing is what indicates I am female. I try not to think of the babies that couldn't feed from me if my breasts were gone. I try not to think of how my lover would be unable to touch me without noticing something very integral to identifying sex is missing. I do enjoy the sense of my lover on my breast, I try not to imagine what I would do without that sensation. I try to remove myself from the any ideas of removing my breasts in order to save my life as I touch my breasts to find what spells end of female, feminine, woman, lady, girl, ...me?

Time..tick tick tick

2006-03-21T06:55:00.000-08:00

Hmm, I am confronted continually with the issue of time. Elaborate on this time thing if you will, okay. I feel like I do not have enough time to keep in touch, to accomplish what I need to, to enjoy the work I am doing. Everything feels like rush rush rush. Which right now I am reconciled to because rush rush rush will get me to graduation. Oh yah, Graduation is June 9th 2006, that is for Vicki. Well, actually I think this whole blog is for Vicki because she sparked it with an email. She asked me if I would be free Monday? For a phone call? A simple ol' phone call? Surely I can spare minutes for that. Well I feel like a shit cause I don't want to give Vicki minutes, I want to give Vicki hours...if not days. Perhaps in other blogs I will elaborate on the importance of Vicki...right now understand she is one of the dearest women in my life who I never want to disappoint but continually I do. Kind of like a mother you love and respect...that is Vicki except in best friend format.
Okay back on track with this time issue. So, currently this academic thing is sucking the life out of my clock. Every year I progress the more expensive it gets, the less money I have in my pocket, or bank account. Well, I am in the final year...guess how much I have? Well, I am not doing too horribly actually...I will tell you my secret! FIVE JOBS! All part time, but all time eaters when you piece them together...FIVE JOBS, FOUR CLASSES....and somewhere out there my life hangs waiting for me to come back to it. And what do I go and do...apply for the MASTERS program! Sorry life...I don't have time!
Then when I think of time I think of all those little sayings, cliches about time. Those self help freaks who chatise us goal oriented people about focusing our time on the wrong things...what if I die in two hours, two hours after I write this blog and I have spent all my time working and working? And that still doesn't change my behaviour! Why? Because I don't want to die with the regret that I didn't try my hardest to get away from the life I know into a life I desire.
And with that, I am off to walk the long road to school!

Dreamt

2006-03-20T09:54:00.001-08:00

So, sometime during my sleep last night I dreamt about Jaidan. The dream was fairly disturbing. What I remember is that we came to discover Jaidan is alive, somehow he was alive. For me, in the dream, it meant never letting him go. I wouldn't take my eyes off of him, because I was afraid if I looked away he would disappear again. I was horrified in the dream because I had to deal with the knowledge that he is dead but now alive and the looming terror he may be die again. Within all my 'dreaming' emotions, I noticed I had forgotten certain facial features of Jaidan. That hurt the most, I started crying in my dream. Especially I fixated on his nose, somehow I had forgotten the shadow and curve of his nose.
I didn't realize I had dreamt about Jaidan until I started walking to school this morning. The dream was so very real and we were talking, I wish I could remember what we were talking about. I remember someone saying that when people you love come to you in your dreams it means they are actually coming to you. Dreams are the only way the dead can communicate fully with the living. So, I hold onto this information now. Why? I don't know. I suspect for now it is to cope with the loss of my brother, the loss of a very huge part of me. I always consider Jaidan's death the loss of my family. While biologically I am left with lots of family, Jaidan was truly what I term family.
I wish I could remember what him and I were talking about. And now I can feel the lethargy of the dream holding onto me. Walking to school I began to wonder how many things about Jaidan I have forgotten, how much of my brother has slipped from me? I hate that, I hate that I won't see his features anymore, won't smell him anymore, won't hear him anymore...only a year and a half has passed and I am still pissed off. I still cry.

Sunday Biking

2006-03-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of biking with Jen. I biked to her place which took me a half hour...after meeting her we biked along lakeshore. I was hesitant at first because I really wanted a workout, I wanted a cardio push and I didn't think we would do it, but we did. I was impressed. Took us just over an hour to do our loop. During that time, she told me she was pregnant. WOW she is pregnant. Of course I have my own judgements, but they are exactly that, my own judgements. So, I congratulated her, asked her various questions on about our way we went. Of course I can't deny that her pregnancy makes me aware of my own fertility. I am torn because part of me would like the experience, however I want nothing to do with the life long commitment the child brings...I guess the future will tell...maybe in five years the blog will look different and I will have hundreds of nauseating pictures of "junior" on site...just enough to show I am a proud mama...BLECH!! For now my body is my body...and me and my partner are happy spending time with eachother as a couple.
The bike ride, is making me think I want to up how many times a week I go. I think I will try for three times although I think a day of sleeping in will be nice...so it will be two days of biking. Which is still good because of my desire to lose wieght.
Oh did I mention my roommates mother is here right now? Okay, so I am holed up in my room while the two of them are obnoxious and loud and making the dog bark and growl...FUCK!! I can't wait till I am free of this bullshit!

Vacuum

2006-03-18T16:28:00.000-08:00

Let it be noted that today...I saw my roommate use a vacuum cleaner! Unfortunately the use of it was short lived! But I did actually see her use it!

Steve Biko

2006-03-18T15:35:00.000-08:00

I am currently working through watching "Cry Freedom". The movie is about Steve Biko. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is a South African. His importance is founded in his tenacity and eloquence in articulating in very public ways the need for Apartheid to end and for all africans to be equal. Watch the movie...always remember Hollywood has a hand in representation. However if you aren't exposed to South Africa and issues of Apartheid then the movie will bring you a step closer.
I often wonder if Biko had lived. If he hadn't been beaten to death, if the guards had taken him to a hospital that was closer...if if if...we saw what Mandella did and does...where would Biko's voice be located today? And finally...who are the Steve Biko's today? I am not deluded in believing oppression is over. Imperialism and colonialism is live and well...how am I benefiting from the oppressive structure? How can I be part of ending oppression?

Procrastination...

2006-03-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

How many times, how many times will I come back to the blog, because I am trying to escape my work at hand? I finally finished editing a paper for a PhD. He hired me officially last week to edit his papers...after I think I edited the most atrocious piece of writing I saw. Now wait when I say atrocious, I am not talking about the first year papers I mark. I am talking about a person who has had seven plus years of academia and I am assuming he also has taught for at least ten years! So, how in the hell can I be a better writer then him?!?! And I suck at writing papers!! Well for english anyways, give me a social science paper and I am off and running!
Regardless, I have made the decision to sell my soul. I am in a desperate crunch for money...not sure what I am going to do (whole other story). I do not and REFUSE to go back to the restuarant industry. So, as a consequence, I have to pick up a million little piece jobs in order to make ends meet while in school...have no clue what I will do for the summer, however I am holding out hope that the magic job fairy will fly in my window at night and bestow me with an amazing job opportunity. NOT LIKELY...but I am allowed to dream. Okay, so selling my soul...I am not really keen on this PhD person...he is odd. Very odd. I came to know him because he needed a teaching assistant for a very large class. Me and a peer agreed to split the hours...only to find out this guy likes being brutal to his students...it is his "time tested" approach. BAH!! What it is...oh I will tell you...it is set the guildlines for marking for T.A.'s and then when students fail send them the T.A.'s direction rather then taking the hit for your own damn guildlines!! And why do I still do it? Cause I need the money!! And how is that different from the restuarant? Still trying to figure it out!!
Okay, so slowly he decides he needs an editor for his own work...considering he is working for a university that is a publishing machine, he has to get on the publishing wagon FAST or he is out of a job! This is where I enter...and you would think that because he is such a bastard to his students and their papers that maybe his papers are of really high standard...I thought that! Foolish me! They are horrible! I have even seen comments from the journals he has tried to submit to...and WOW...they are disgusted by him as well! Well at least if I am editing the papers he can blame me instead of himself for not being able to get published. Thank goodness I don't need him for a reference, or I would be HOOPED!
Okay and in the midst of this am I doing any of my own work? Hellz NO! And with that comment I kick myself of the blog and get to my own academic persuits!